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  #11  
Old 06-29-2012, 04:17 AM
rekkerafthor rekkerafthor is offline
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No. I didn't completely veto it. I saw no reason to veto it. And in trying to see things from his perspective, I can understand why he was nervous about meeting him. I'm a big person both physically and I've been told my "presence", for lack of a better term, can be quite big as well. In short, I'm intimidating until someone gets to know me.

I've never used my veto privileges (philosophically I can't call them veto rights). I've had them used on me before and it sucked. I can't say that I won't, but we are both relatively new to poly and I've only ever had my boundaries tested once. I'd rather exhaust all possible options first rather then use veto. But I digress.

We've talked more, and I am not happy that my actions ran this guy off. I'm still willing to give him a chance. But she isn't worried about it. She didn't see a lot of long term potential in him. Kind of silly really. But Just because there isn't long term potential doesn't mean that a short term casual thing can't be a good thing...sometimes.
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  #12  
Old 06-29-2012, 06:21 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Originally Posted by rekkerafthor View Post
I can understand why he was nervous about meeting him. I'm a big person both physically and I've been told my "presence", for lack of a better term, can be quite big as well. In short, I'm intimidating until someone gets to know me.
You mentioned that twice, and I'm confused. How would he know that if you guys have never met? This sounds like a reason why he might get cold feet after meeting you, not prior to.
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  #13  
Old 06-29-2012, 06:39 AM
rekkerafthor rekkerafthor is offline
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You mentioned that twice, and I'm confused. How would he know that if you guys have never met? This sounds like a reason why he might get cold feet after meeting you, not prior to.
He had seen me in the bar where my wife met him. But we were never introduced.
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  #14  
Old 06-29-2012, 07:00 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Ah, thanks for the clarification.

Personally, if you were in the same place... I would have brought the two of you together right away. As in "new person, this is my husband" and then you shake hands, or something, and talk for a little bit.

I know people in the thread seem to have the opposite idea, that it was too early to meet him... but I don't think I'd feel comfortable dating someone until after my boyfriend had met him. And since there seems to have been an obvious opportunity there, in a way that wouldn't have been threatening or creepy (no "you have to sit down and be interrogated by my husband", just "hey, he's right here, let me introduce him to you") I'm not sure why the opportunity wasn't taken.

Either way, I agree his freakout makes sense, that's why I figured he might re-contact her once he's calmed down and thought about it. If he doesn't, how well. At this point you seem to care about him more than either of them cared about the other :P
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  #15  
Old 06-29-2012, 09:16 AM
turtleHeart turtleHeart is offline
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My wife and I like meeting people early on to be sure we all get along, requiring us to have all met by the 3rd date (at the latest), even if scheduling makes it difficult.
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  #16  
Old 06-29-2012, 01:26 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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This is an interesting one!

It's something I've been thinking about lately too and I think it comes down to the key word - expectation.

Do you use any written poly 'guidelines'?

It's something our triad didn't do for a long time, because we didn't want to place restrictions. Then we found that having absolutely no restrictions led to problems with our innate, personal expectations.

Reading between the lines in your post, it sounds to me like you may expect:
- your wife's date to be respectful of you, to make an effort, acknowledge your existence
- your wife to see new dates (or even long term lovers) a limited amount of times a week
- your wife to act like she is poly; not like she is single

There is nothing wrong with expectation, in my eyes. Expectations mean personal boundaries. And just because we are all poly, doesn't mean we have to ignore our personal boundaries.

If this helps - some of the things I (and my primary) expect:
- to meet in person/online any secondaries that we are moving towards sleeping with
- for secondary partners to be respectful of and towards our primary
- to see secondaries generally max. once a week, twice in special circumstances

All that being said; our main guideline is: "be kind to each other, soothe each other and understand that changes happen" - i.e. we all get carried away and act with our own selfish hormones sometimes.

It sounds like the two of you did some really good work ironing out the cracks. Your wife is probably in the "oooh I can date again!" stage, where we tend to get carried away with the excitement of New Relationship Energy.

My advice would be to sit down and as stupid as it sounds, write out some guidelines, (NOT rules), that you both might find useful to keep in mind. It's not about killing each other's fun - but acting in a way that is appreciative of each other and a sensitive way of saying "thank you for being a partner that promotes my freedom. I don't want to be single - I want to keep you, but keep my freedom".

Incidentally... I would have had the same feelings as you did about this guy, rightly or wrongly. Three times in a week is also too much for *my* personal boundary. And I would have expected him to make an effort to meet me. If I met a married woman, all I'd want to do is meet the husband and make sure he was ok. To me, that's the sign of a kind person.

Finally... yes... we all get pissy from time to time. It usually happens when we have an underlying issue that we need to pick at and unravel. I hope that all the answers you've been given help!
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  #17  
Old 06-29-2012, 04:07 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rekkerafthor View Post
And when my wife suggested to him that we all go out for a coffee he decides he is kind of freaked out about it and cancels.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rekkerafthor View Post
I am not happy that my actions ran this guy off.
I suppose how she suggested to him that you all go out and whether or not she mentioned that you were having an issue could affect him freaking out, but let's be clear: you did nothing to run this guy off. He is responsible for his own actions. Nor did you veto anything. Your knowledge of your own emotions and communication of them were not the best to start with, true, but you were willing to meet him and give him a chance. Except for the pissy initial reaction, which we all have once in a while and which you and your wife seem to have already worked through, you didn't do anything wrong. There was nothing else about this situation that was within your control so give yourself a break.

I'm not physically intimidating, but my dad is and we have similar strong personalities. I've always tried to use that a gauge of strength of character: scared off by either of us? Then not worth my time!
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  #18  
Old 06-29-2012, 04:29 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
I'm not physically intimidating, but my dad is and we have similar strong personalities. I've always tried to use that a gauge of strength of character: scared off by either of us? Then not worth my time!
Very true!

I don't really think it was too early for you to meet him. I don't think the fact that you're intimidating-looking ran him off. I don't think you or your wife handled the situation too horribly. What I do think is that the guy wanted to act like your wife was dating him and him alone and as soon as he was going to be forced to recognize your presence in her life (by fully interacting with you), he was done. Meeting the husband/wife/OSO or whatever is a great test of character, too, I think. It really shows whether or not a person is willing to put in the effort that a poly relationship takes. This guy apparently wasn't.
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  #19  
Old 06-29-2012, 07:38 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I too would certainly expect somebody who hadn't had any experience in poly to meet my husband (or vice versa) before things went far at all. There have been tons of threads over the years about mono people not meeting a poly person's partners, and trouble ensuing down the road from issues stemming from the mono person getting to operate under the fantasy that the other partners aren't really important since they are abstracts instead of actual people to them.

I'm glad to meet people's partners, and in fact after one experience with meeting a person's spouse after we'd become involved and finding out they weren't that happy about the new addition, I wouldn't become physically involved with anybody without meeting any other important (local at least) partners of theirs. I want my poly to be all happy smiles, flowers and sunshine. I'd rather meet them before I became too invested.

I'd tend to think if the guy wasn't mature enough to counter with meeting later, or differently, or just the two of you, or emailing instead, anything other than disappearing, he probably doesn't have the emotional maturity for the communication needed to be in a poly relationship.

I also see that you might benefit from scheduling X amount of set nights together a week with your wife, since part of the problem was that you felt you hadn't gotten to spend much time with her (and probably part of the pissy-ness was that you missed her and might be a bit resentful she wasn't feeling the same way and going out of her way to make make you feel she wanted to spend time with you too?)

I have asked my husband to not schedule a date before when we hadn't really spent quality time together, but I usually don't have a specific awareness that we haven't had the time, more of a vague unease and unhappiness, so recognizing and articulating that CAN be hard, which is why we have Tues/Fridays pretty much set in stone for date nights for ourselves, so that situation doesn't happen, or if it does we at least know we have some "us time" coming up soon.

I'm not surprised you had a weird feeling either, two mono people can easily have a bunch of dates in a row, but when you have other relationships involved, a bit more thought about how that affects the other people in your life is usually called for.
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  #20  
Old 06-30-2012, 07:28 PM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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Originally Posted by km34 View Post
Very true!

I don't really think it was too early for you to meet him. I don't think the fact that you're intimidating-looking ran him off. I don't think you or your wife handled the situation too horribly. What I do think is that the guy wanted to act like your wife was dating him and him alone and as soon as he was going to be forced to recognize your presence in her life (by fully interacting with you), he was done. Meeting the husband/wife/OSO or whatever is a great test of character, too, I think. It really shows whether or not a person is willing to put in the effort that a poly relationship takes. This guy apparently wasn't.
Good point. I've mentioned before to my SO that I'd have to meet a metamour before they got deeply involved, physically and otherwise. He didn't respond too kindly to the idea but frankly some of the posts here just confirm my thought process in regards to it. I might direct him here to read lol.
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