I was vetoed - please read

[MeeraReed]

Originally Posted by redpepper

Wait a minute. He said on his profile they are open? That is vastly different than poly for some people. Its about sex and casualness not about love and commitment. Perhaps this is something to ponder. Perhaps you were to close for comfort.

This isn't a fair comment. OK Cupid profiles don't have a category for "poly," only open.

Also, out in the real world (i.e. not this forum), the distinction between "open" and "poly" isn't black and white for most people. I know a lot of people who use the term "open" to describe the process of seeking other partners. Once they have those partners, they might slide the label toward "poly," but while they are dating around to find other partners, they call it an open relationship.

[km34]

Originally Posted by MeeraReed

This isn't a fair comment. OK Cupid profiles don't have a category for "poly," only open.

Does OKC even have an option for open? I mean, you get listed as available if you choose in a relationship and looking for dating/relationships, but everyone I've seen on there lists open or poly or whatever in their descriptions - it isn't a pre-filled option (from what I've seen/done).

[MeeraReed]

Originally Posted by km34

Does OKC even have an option for open? I mean, you get listed as available if you choose in a relationship and looking for dating/relationships, but everyone I've seen on there lists open or poly or whatever in their descriptions - it isn't a pre-filled option (from what I've seen/done).

You're right, I don't think it even has that option. Maybe I was thinking of Facebook.

[MeeraReed]

Originally Posted by mercury

That's totally what was happening between me and my guy. He was falling for me. He said as much. He was having a great time with me and expressing such extreme attraction and so many proclamations of "I can see us really lasting and becoming something..." He told me (even just within 4 weeks) that he could see me living with him (she and he do not live together; they are not married).

But I think she caught on to it being very much a match between me and him. And that caught her off guard. I actually had coffee with her one time during the time I was seeing him. We talked about some basic things, and though she was very mature in words, her facial expressions were of fear and jealousy. She looked even like she was about to cry a few times. I also said to her, very straight-forwardly: "Are you sure you want this? Because I know the way these things work. You think you don't want someone all to yourself, but then as soon as you see them with someone else, happy, you start to want them more. I've seen it happen in various contexts, not just poly..." (And I have).

And though, at the time, she behaved herself to the extent that she didn't demand that he and I split, she did do the whole "reclaiming" him in the time he and I were apart and when I came back.
?

I'm highlighting this because it got lost in the shuffle. And I think it's the most important thing you wrote about this situation.

I know you're frustrated by how things turned out, Mercury.

But I don't think you have enough sympathy for Jeni here.

Jeni was almost in tears when she talked to you. Not because she was suffering from being immature, insecure, and controlling--because when she saw how quickly and wonderfully you connected with Derek, it broke her heart.

I have to agree with ThatGirlInGray's comments about Jeni's actions being understandable. I don't think there was anything immature in what she did.

Jeni thought she had a strong relationship with her boyfriend. They'd been together 2 years, weren't living together yet but cared for each other a lot, and decided they wanted to try polyamory.

Then Derek meets you and falls for you so hard that within 4 weeks he thinks he could see the two of you living together someday, etc.

Jeni was crushed. And who wouldn't be, in her situation?

You didn't do anything wrong, but I don't think Jeni did either.

I don't think it's fair that you think Jeni is so manipulative & controlling of her boyfriend. I don't think she "reclaimed" him after things ended with you--I think they talked a lot and redefined their relationship and strengthened their feelings for each other.

I'm sorry that it had to come at your expense. That's really hard.

[Mudita]

Originally Posted by MeeraReed

Jeni was crushed. And who wouldn't be, in her situation?

Yes this would be a very difficult thing to deal with.

Originally Posted by MeeraReed

You didn't do anything wrong, but I don't think Jeni did either.

I realise it's easy for me to talk about this in "theory" as I'm not emotionally involved in the situation but I guess part of my idea of the poly I'd like to practise would be being open to my partner meeting someone else and loving them more than me and even leaving me for them. Otherwise the alternative is placing restrictions on them, which is precisely what I find distasteful about monogamy.
I want the best for those that I love, even if it comes at my expense.
Which like I said, is easy in theory...

[Scott]

Originally Posted by Mudita

I realise it's easy for me to talk about this in "theory" as I'm not emotionally involved in the situation but I guess part of my idea of the poly I'd like to practise would be being open to my partner meeting someone else and loving them more than me and even leaving me for them. Otherwise the alternative is placing restrictions on them, which is precisely what I find distasteful about monogamy.
I want the best for those that I love, even if it comes at my expense.
Which like I said, is easy in theory...

True.. some people have an easier time with all of this then others though. I've never had a poly partner, but a partner I had who was kind of interested in other men, I was ok with her being with them; the men she liked to some extent were both taken though (one had a wife, the other a girlfriend), but if that hadn't been the case, I was open to her going with them. My rule is that we be with who we want to be with, but that has its own rules; if I really don't like someone she's with, I can make her choose him or me. Likewise, she could do the same with me. Essentially, I see polyamory as really just giving an additional option; instead of being with one person or the other, you could also choose to be with both; but if that doesn't work, monogamy rules (one or another) have their uses.

[feelyunicorn]

Originally Posted by Mudita

I guess part of my idea of the poly I'd like to practise would be being open to my partner meeting someone else and loving them more than me and even leaving me for them.

Very well put. Thank you. Touching vid on the topic...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpGvL...feature=relmfu

Edit: I can`t really relate to the loving someone else more than myself part; but, I think we arrive at the same destination from different points of departure. I think precisely because I love myself more than anyone or anything, I can be independent. If a partner leaves me for someone else, I`ll be saddened but I think I can pull myself up by my own bootstraps!

[Tonberry]

Originally Posted by Mudita

I realise it's easy for me to talk about this in "theory" as I'm not emotionally involved in the situation but I guess part of my idea of the poly I'd like to practise would be being open to my partner meeting someone else and loving them more than me and even leaving me for them.

Me too, ideally. But I would find it unreasonable to place these expectations on someone else, be it my partners or their partners. This is a personal decision you can make for yourself, but holding everyone else to it would be unfair, I believe.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by MeeraReed

This isn't a fair comment. OK Cupid profiles don't have a category for "poly," only open.

Also, out in the real world (i.e. not this forum), the distinction between "open" and "poly" isn't black and white for most people. I know a lot of people who use the term "open" to describe the process of seeking other partners. Once they have those partners, they might slide the label toward "poly," but while they are dating around to find other partners, they call it an open relationship.

You can tag your profile poly so as to make sure poly people come up on your quiver. I said that SOME people have a distinctions between poly and open and stick to that when looking for people who are like minded to date. Some means not all. I asked if she had thought of that with them. Asking might yield and answer also. How is that unfair to say? Fairness didn't come into what I said I don't think.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Mudita

CielDuMatin, if you met somebody whose partner had power of veto, would this be enough to prevent you from attempting to form a 'more-than-friends' relationship with them?

Although I'm not CdM, I will chime in and say that whenever I've been interested in someone who has told me he has a veto agreement with one of his partners, that ended all possibilities for me. I just tell the guy, "Sorry, that goes against my personal boundaries." I choose to walk away from anyone whose partner has veto power. I only want to be involved with people who are ready for openness and autonomy, and I want easygoing relationships that are shaped and formed by me and my partner -- not me and a committee. Why should anyone outside of my relationship get the right to make decisions about it? If they think I'm too weird or not to be trusted, fine, move on and look elsewhere. I am not going to get all bent out of shape trying to convince anyone I am worthy. As I said earlier in the thread, beyond time management issues, if she's not the person I'm involved with, she doesn't get a say.

Mind you, I am smart enough to know, however, not getting involved with people who have vetoes is still no guarantee that a veto or some kind of drama won't happen, but it's my personal guideline and I think it takes care of a lot of potential problems for me.

Originally Posted by MeeraReed

Jeni was almost in tears when she talked to you. Not because she was suffering from being immature, insecure, and controlling--because when she saw how quickly and wonderfully you connected with Derek, it broke her heart. . . . Derek meets you and falls for you so hard that within 4 weeks he thinks he could see the two of you living together someday, etc.

Jeni was crushed. And who wouldn't be, in her situation?

It's very couple-centric and quite mono-ish to say that "of course" anyone would be crushed. I would say, instead, that anyone who is that crushed when their partner finds someone else and has a great connection with them simply isn't ready at all for polyamory and needs lots more soul-searching and inner work to do before getting into having multiple relationships. I think some jealousies and other emotional difficulties are natural, but when someone feels so devastated and insecure that they have to blow the whistle on things developing, then more discussions, more shoring up the foundation of their relationship, and more work on self-esteem may be called for before moving forward into poly. IMHO.