If she hadn't told him she couldn't handle you dating her, and then her insecurities caused issues for all of you, you'd be judging her for not being honest. Which would you rather have? Honesty that creates a veto or hidden issues that create drama? I'd go with the veto to save myself long-term issues.
I see. So it's black and white, right? Either she vetoes me because she is being true to her feelings and saving us all a lot of grief OR doesn't veto me and a lot of drama and issues ensue, and it's a mess anyway?
You asked which I would choose -- A or B?
I choose C. She doesn't veto me, she and I become friendly with each other, downright sisterly with each other, and support each other and are not rivals but respectful friends who value each other and him.
But that's not allowed, I guess, because if that's on the table then it would make a Veto seem a questionable choice, at least, and wrong, at most.
It's also not allowed because it would mean working at polyamory.
I don't consider vetoes inherently right or wrong. I don't consider telling someone that I am not comfortable with them being friends with someone wrong if I have a good reason for it. I don't consider it wrong to tell my husband that I am not comfortable with him dating someone who is also struggling with some of the same issues I am struggling with if he only has the time/energy/ability to deal with one person with those issues.
I was struggling the first time around. The second time around, I was all "We need to go shopping together, girl! Let's totally bond."
I know intent doesn't always translate perfectly into smooth flow of actual relationship, but...I think with all the good intentions there and willingness to work on things *together*, I was surprised she wasn't willing to give it a go.
And of course you "don't consider it wrong to tell your husband...etc., etc." I mean, how many wives of husbands who are in a poly situation are going to say that they think there's anything wrong with having a say in who their husbands see?
It's not that I think any of you wives or long-term girlfriends are wrong to want to have a say in who he sees in the form of "I'm not comfortable with..." and "That crosses my boundaries" statements. [Polite indeed. Vetoes, nonetheless.] I just think it's not the most evolved form of polyamory when there's not any compelling reason for him to not see her other than that you're struggling. Polyamory takes emotional work, and you don't exactly get that done by routinely saying "let me put off working on things...let's see if the next woman will work out."
It's more like you're just in a selectively permissive open relationship.
For any one who feels like responding to this with an "Oh you're just bitter. He liked her more than you anyway, so there!" -- I'm okay with that. I've actually acknowledged that long ago, long before I ever wrote a post on this board. It's solidly true.
Heck, I knew that even as I was trying to get back together with him. I wanted to date him and for him to show feelings for me and for us to create a
reasonably equal situation. I wasn't worried about who, deep down in his heart of hearts, he loves more because I actually have a true polyamorous spirit that wasn't trying to measure everything and hold him to exact 50/50 ness. I didn't want to be subordinated blatantly, but I wasn't gonna hold him or the situation to 50/50 or bust. That said, it doesn't faze me much to hear "well he was more loyal to her."
I wanted to date him, regardless of his loyalty to her, because I understood it, and there was a veto that I thought was unnecessary.
But regardless of my particular situation, I still speak on principle (and not for my own sake; I need a poly situation again like I need a hole in my head; I'll be dating mono guys from here on out) when I say to some of you primaries out there, that ya gotta work on your acceptance and level of security. It's not about "well my husband or boyfriend just likes me more than everybody else and that's just the way the cookie tends to crumble."
That's not the point. He does love you, I'm sure. But he is capable of loving other women as well, close to as much as, as much as, or even more than he loves you. You just believe he loves you more than he loves anybody else or could love anybody else because you never let him know another woman long enough -- or cultivate a relationship with her long enough -- to really know what could happen.
That's reasonable though. It's reasonable not to want to lose someone's love. That's why mono people operate the way they do. They don't let their lovers even "find out" how it might be with someone else. So when you don't let your boyfriends or husbands even "find out" how good (or bad perhaps) it could be with someone else, or limit it when it starts to happen, you're essentially acting like a mono person.
You're in some kind of mono-poly limbo.