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  #11  
Old 06-27-2012, 05:54 PM
simplyme simplyme is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
I'm sure I can pull out many more!

Is it possible your hurt is also or more about rejection by this other man? Or perhaps wondering if this was a little bit under false pretenses from the start--that maybe he was more interested in another man than in a woman, but didn't come right out and say so?
Yes, it is possible, and I didn't think of that. But I do feel it was started under false pretenses, and I don't like people who lie to me, or mislead me in a way that makes me feel as I do now.

If he'd told me that's what he wanted, I don't know what to think about that. I have no issues with sexuality, I'm fairly open and curious myself, so I've never said no to anything like that. I just wish I had known if that was the intention all along.
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  #12  
Old 06-27-2012, 06:46 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I can understand why it would be hard. You started on the premise that both of you would have a new relationship. Instead he has two and you have none. It's common to feel neglected when your partner gets a new partner, so two at once? It must make you feel lonely, I can definitely see that.
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  #13  
Old 06-28-2012, 06:37 PM
simplyme simplyme is offline
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It does make me feel lonely because I went in with both mine and CH's interests at heart, and it seems that that has been tossed to the wayside.

I'm not a confrontational person and I'm afraid if I do confront everyone on this and ask why the deception, I'll be the one who ends up as the bad guy.
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  #14  
Old 06-28-2012, 08:06 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I think if you try not to sound like you're blaming them, they wouldn't see you as a bad guy.

You could tell them you are happy for them, but you feel lonely, and you would appreciate a bit more attention from them, either as a partner (your husband) or as friends. And that would feel a bit left out and you'd like their support.
I'm sure your husband also expected a quad with the four of you, I don't think there was any malice on his part. It's sad when things turn out like that, but you can't control your feelings. I agree you can control your actions, however, and they should be more careful and considerate towards you.
But they might be lost in NRE and not realise how you feel. Bring it up with your husband first, and then see if you can have a talk with everyone to let them know you want to work on your relationship with him more, and the other two relationships he now has might need to slow down as a result.
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  #15  
Old 06-28-2012, 08:31 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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It may not have been a deception - they may truly have wanted this to work out. I wouldn't start going down that road... instead I would try to look forwards, as to what you need out of this relationship. If you aren't getting what you need, then they need to know about it.

And I'm sorry, but "things will get better" isn't an answer. The response to that should be "please tell me what is changing so that things will get better, because as they are going right now I don't see how they can."

"Things will get better" sounds like "be quiet and let us get on with what we want to do and stop bothering us".
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  #16  
Old 06-29-2012, 10:52 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Have you ever considered marriage counseling ? If your positions and feelings are being discounted maybe a neutral third party could help be an advocate to get your point across.


Have you expressed your frustration and thought about finding a divorce attorney? NRE or not that should have been a wake up call.

Last edited by dingedheart; 06-29-2012 at 10:56 AM.
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  #17  
Old 06-29-2012, 07:17 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
You could tell them you are happy for them, but you feel lonely, and you would appreciate a bit more attention from them, either as a partner (your husband) or as friends. And that would feel a bit left out and you'd like their support.
I would add on top of that that you think specifically about what it is you want you're not getting. You should be able to ask for X nights a week where you and CH have a date, or just spend the time together where he isn't talking to/you two aren't hanging out with, the other couple. Having a hobby together you engage in regularly with each other only so you have something to bond over, etc.

If you ask for specific things, his answer can't be "it'll get better in time" He will really need to hear what it is you're not happy with, and respond to the specifics instead of being so vague. If you don't know exactly what you need, I'd suggest experimenting and suggesting 2 or 3x a week where it's just you two spending time together, be it a date or chores or errands, and if that is more or less time than you need, adjust it after a few weeks. If you feel your Sundays are feeling ruined because he wants to hang out with them and it was always a day you relaxed together, ask to reclaim Sundays, and see if that helps. Ask for no phone calls after 11 pm on work nights if that's making you feel like he's not present with you at home, etc. I don't know just how all you're feeling left out so it's hard to suggest really pertinent things.

If he will not agree to specific things you need to feel comfortable and happy in your marriage, I would insist on a relationship counselor, and if he refused, I would probably get moving on a divorce.

How long exactly has it been since the whole process of meeting them happened? I didn't see that answered, and it could be useful info to get the best advice from people.

Have you thought about or do you want to date anyone else, or was the only positive appeal to poly during this process because it might turn into a quad with those exact people? As it sounds like you're at the end of your rope with CH's behavior I wouldn't suggest doing that just to distract yourself from how unhappy you are with him now, but it's something to consider.

I don't know if you had problems with CH before or if your sole desire to leave the marriage is based on his acting like a lovestruck negligent jerk. If it's just his current behavior I probably would put more effort into working through this than I would if we were already having problems.
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  #18  
Old 06-30-2012, 12:25 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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:hug:

Again, I'm so sorry.

You guys do not sound like you laid out a plan before jumping in for communication of wants, needs and resolving conflict in a respectful way.

Honestly? Need to slow it waaaay down!

Quote:
I'm not a confrontational person and I'm afraid if I do confront everyone on this and ask why the deception, I'll be the one who ends up as the bad guy.
It may/may not have been deception. They may just be carried away by NRE, and if everyone is new to all this, fine. We all make mistakes. We deal, accepted.

And you feel whatever it is you feel when you feel it. Accepted. Emotional weather just is.

Now how are we going to CHOOSE to act in response to this feeling? In response to this voiced emotion in our group? What wants/needs are not being met? Because that we DO pick. We CAN and DO choose how to behave decently to each other.

I'm not hearing that you are choosing to articulate and speak out your truth. Why this fear of being the "bad" guy? How is it bad to speak your truth?

I'm not hearing that they are inquiring as to your well being in all this. (Or is CH snowing everyone? Saying to them you are cool when you are not? Is there no time scheduled for the Big Four Roundtable of some sort to get the weather report? The wassup? How is everyone doing? If not, lesson learned. Schedule that pronto. As a weekly, monthly whatever the group thinks works for the group. But get it on there! )

Because basically if CH is off chasing NRE vibes, and neglecting you, he's not tending to your relationship for sure. (You + CH branch). And what if you come to find he's selling them a song, he's not exactly truthing over there either. He's being shoddy on the CH + man and CH + woman branches by triangulating? That's not cool. Get it all in the open.

Consider polymath, consider which branches are needing tending here. For sure your CH & you branch. What else?

YOU have a responsibility to your other people. You may not be lovers to all, but you are involved in a 4 unit polyship so you need to at least be polite to your metas/lovers about info exchange for safe sex (ex: screen results) and you need to at least be polite about scheduling time.

So you holding back because you might be the "bad guy" is you not holding up all your sticks responsibly here. You have to hold up your end of the "You + man" branch even if you are destined for a break up. How do you want to part? As friends?

And wassup with the "You + woman" branch? That needs tending too.

They don't sound like they are holding all theirs sticks up. Nobody is beating your door down for discussion. WHY? Find out. Speak up.

Get a discussion going, make the repairs now before it gets worse. Things may not have played out to the ideal of all, but talk it out, negotiate what configuration it IS you have here and the expectations/ground rules by how you all want to play together here.

Or you really will have to come to hard decisions about how to check out of this mess with grace and mostly intact.

I'm not wild about how CH thrust you into this situation... but you need to stand up for yourself a bit too. Speak your truth.

I'm really hoping this is a case of everyone being carried away and all newbie or something. Because for it to be on purpose would be just careless, thoughtless UGH.

MEGA ugh.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-30-2012 at 12:34 AM.
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