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Old 06-27-2012, 06:02 PM
mercury mercury is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
He boyfriend TOLD you he had thought about leaving her, you've said yourself you're very similar to her- of COURSE she sees you as a threat, with good reason! That's not HER fault, nor is it your fault. From what I can see it's the boyfriend who is not being the responsible one and is creating the drama in this situation. If he was going to abide by her wishes regarding who he dates, then he should have checked in with her before ever trying to reconnect with you. HE'S the one who created this situation, not her.
Oh, and let me clarify that he didn't quite say it exactly as I wrote it. What I wrote was: "I may break away from her, I don't know."

(It's been months; I didn't necessarily have the exact wording off the top of my head when I wrote that other post)

But I do have a good memory when I think about it. What he actually said was this: (it's not all that much better, but I think it is a little better): "It's understood between me and her that we might meet people we like a lot and end up branching off into a traditional relationship with that person."

So he said it in a way that was like...she could just as easily stray from me with someone she dates and really likes.

And as far as she and I being a lot a like, to me, that doesn't make it any more reasonable for her to say "Don't date her." I mean, come on. We're alike, but we're not replicas. And even if we are more alike than she'd be considered "alike" with most women off the street, why is that such a big deal? Doesn't it just mean that she and I could be better friends because of it? Doesn't it also mean that I have to deal with knowing that she's very much competition for me too because she has a lot of my same positive traits?

The point is...you can't make all these little concessions for controlling. Like, it's okay for her to control your particular situation because you're so much like her. In other words, he can't date women who have any of her same qualities because only she's allowed to have those qualities for him to appreciate. In other words, from her POV, "Date other women who are great, but great in ways that are different ways than I am great so that I don't feel threatened."

It's hard enough to find people who fit all these criteria 1) open to being polyamorous, 2) mutual attraction on the part of the girl and him, 3) willing to be friends with his girlfriend (her) and cultivate a congenial, mutually supportive situation.

On top of that, she wants to stipulate that the other woman can't be too much like her?

She's just as much like me as I am like her, and I don't have a problem with it. I don't feel as if only I'm allowed to be down to earth and into plays /theater because if he gets that from someone else too, well that's MY territory...

Immature.

Now, mind you, this wouldn't be immature if you're a mono person. But if you're self-proclaimed polyamorous (doesn't matter that you're "new"; as I said, I'm new too and even newer), putting all these restrictions on it is silly.

You don't grow by avoidance....

Last edited by mercury; 06-27-2012 at 06:06 PM.
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Tags
agreements, contracts, control issues, envy, jealous, jealousy, metamour concerns, new to poly, nre, relationship dynamics, relationship issues, secondaries, secondary, sex, veto, veto policy, veto power, vetos

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