Originally Posted by mercury
I understand the distinction you're making, and I don't think you're wrong to make that distinction. But I myself see the latter as still controlling. It's creating a huge 'penalty' for the person (your partner) seeing his or her new gf/bf. Some people call that practicing autonomy, and it is. But it is also creating a very large penalty.
I wouldn't do it, myself. If I were in a poly couple and were feeling jealous of a new girlfriend that my boyfriend started dating, I'd say "See her. It's going to be hard as hell for me because she scares me big time, and you liking her so much scares me, but I don't want to take the path of least resistance by just vetoing her. I am going to need a lot of reassurances while this happens, but let's go with it."
If I tell him, "I understand you want to see her, but know that I will have to depart if you do so," I'd just feel....immature.
To be clear, I am do not mean random people I haven't met and don't know. The very few specific people that fall into that area for me are individuals who have committed a rape or sexual abuse against myself or a family member, and one person who is an actual danger to me. If a lover of mine elected to date one of these very specific people, that lapse in judgement is not safe to me, and I won't date somebody who is not safe.
On the other hand, the chances of anyone I choose to love wanting to date any of those very few people is.... highly unlikely. I don't forsee me dating someone that.... Un-good. All the same, I will NEVER compromise the safety of my self, my lovers, my pets, my future children, just because I love someone who makes dangerous choices. I would instead remove myself from the danger.