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  #111  
Old 06-26-2012, 09:58 PM
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newtoday newtoday is offline
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Originally Posted by mercury View Post
A lot of poly couples end up hurting other people inadvertantly.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. ((hugs))

I'm sure I speak for those of us who are in similar situations as you were that we feel your pain as we sometimes fear a similar fate for ourselves.

My heart hurts reading your post.

7 weeks, 2 years. It's irrelevant. I understand the sanctity of the "Primary" Relationship however I completely disagree with veto's. It's cruel and disrespectful to invite someone to give their time, energy and heart to your partner and then snap it away like it never happened.

It gives the whole Poly concept a bad name and it's probably one of the reasons why it will be a struggle for it to be so "mainstream" as many would like.

Be thankful that it's only been 7 weeks and not several years like others have experienced on here.

You deserve so much better. Be thankful they are gone.
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  #112  
Old 06-26-2012, 10:11 PM
mercury mercury is offline
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Thank you. I appreciate the sympathy. I really do. As lame as it sounds, I just need sympathy. I need people to say "poor you." Because I felt bad and still do.

I will say, though, that the one thing that mitigates everything is that the "veto" occurred when he and I were trying to reconnect. It is not as if I was actively seeing him and she tried to get rid of me. When we split up that first time, the circumstances were of mutuality, I'd say. She might have been feeling very intense jealousy, but she wasn't going to the length of trying to curb things (then). Of course, I have no knowledge of what was said between the two of them then, but you know, from my POV, she was keeping cool about it even if she did feel jealous. But I think things were tense between them, as he said.

So, do you think the "veto" was still wrong of her? On the one hand, she wasn't ripping apart people who were actively together. On the other, he and I had a history (we'd already slept together when we together, we also both clearly liked each other a lot; he would have been totally down to see me again if she'd let him. She was definitely denying him....)

From my perspective, obviously, it was cruel. But maybe more objective people would say otherwise, given the circumstances?

Thanks again for your sympathy.

Last edited by mercury; 06-26-2012 at 10:15 PM.
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  #113  
Old 06-26-2012, 10:37 PM
mercury mercury is offline
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By the way, newtoday, I actually just skimmed some of your threads and saw you mention that in your situation, your boyfriend sometimes thought about being with you and just you alone at times. (from an old thread of yours).

Very early on in my relationship with "Derek," he said things along the same lines. He said, "I don't know what's going to happen. I may end up breaking away from her. We just have to see what happens."

I don't think I was with him for nearly long enough for that to become a serious option, but had I been with him a year or a year and a half, it may well have been that he branched off with me.

Mind you, that is not what I was looking for when I tried to reconnect with him. I wanted to be poly with him and her. But...I'm just pointing out that she apparently had some grounds for being nervous about me. I think it's always a threat when the person you love is seeing someone else. No matter what arrangement you have, your person can and will leave you if they just find themselves happy with another person.

Ahh, so crazy.
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  #114  
Old 06-26-2012, 10:43 PM
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So, do you think the "veto" was still wrong of her? On the one hand, she wasn't ripping apart people who were actively together.
I think that Veto's are wrong. Period.

If one can't trust their partner to make the right decisions for themselves, they simply shouldn't be in that type of relationship.

The concept of poly is about respecting your partner's nature to love more than one. Respect should also be extended to the other person they choose to love and enjoy. They don't necessarily have to like that other person, but they should respect and trust in their partner's choice and their partner's ability to effectively manage any issues that might arise in that other relationship, especially those detrimental to the primary relationship.

A Veto is hypocritical to trusting, open, respect-filled nature of Poly.
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  #115  
Old 06-26-2012, 10:49 PM
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Originally Posted by mercury View Post
But...I'm just pointing out that she apparently had some grounds for being nervous about me. I think it's always a threat when the person you love is seeing someone else. No matter what arrangement you have, your person can and will leave you if they just find themselves happy with another person.

Ahh, so crazy.
Exactly that!

You don't have to be in a poly relationship for your significant other to leave you for another person!

Redpepper said it best in another thread, Veto's come from fear and insecurity.

My boyfriend did say those things and he meant them. But it didn't mean that he was going to act on them. And I never once tried to 'supplant' his SO like she may have assumed I was doing. I believe that people have the right to choose who they wish to spend their time with, it cannot be forced or contrived.


At the end of the day, I can hold my head high to say that I never once played any games nor did I do anything underhanded or disrespectful to their relationship. And if one day I end up Veto'd due to an insecurity or fear on her part, I will still be able to respect myself and the decisions I made.

You will do the same.
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  #116  
Old 06-26-2012, 11:39 PM
polypenguin polypenguin is offline
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good for you, you cannot let others get you down for THIER insecurities.

you are a beautiful and wonderful person, and no one can take that from you.
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  #117  
Old 06-27-2012, 12:21 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by newtoday View Post
...I understand the sanctity of the "Primary" Relationship however I completely disagree with veto's. It's cruel and disrespectful to invite someone to give their time, energy and heart to your partner and then snap it away like it never happened.

It gives the whole Poly concept a bad name and it's probably one of the reasons why it will be a struggle for it to be so "mainstream" as many would like.
Yes, I think this is one of the inherent flaws of this way of living, that ends up hurting a lot of people. Even as the 'secondary,' I believe that my BF's marriage comes first. And yet, that will never be fair to the person who will, if there's ever a real clash of needs, take the back seat.

I had this discussion with my bf just a day or two ago, and he said they do have veto power, but it's more a situation where he'd just never get together in the first place with someone she had a real issue with, and the veto power is more over the lifestyle itself. If either of them decides they don't want to continue in the poly and swinger lifestyle, it's over, no questions asked.

I guess it's why, as much as I like him and enjoy our time together, I will never put all my eggs in one basket with him. I will never give him all of myself because no matter how strongly he feels about me (and he feels very strongly), no matter how much I mean to him, I know he'll be there for me only as long as his wife doesn't need him more, and only as long as she remains happy with the situation.

I'm not sorry I started seeing him, but honestly, next time someone tells me they're poly and would like to date me, I'll probably say no thank you.

I'm sorry this happened to you.
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  #118  
Old 06-27-2012, 12:41 AM
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Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post

I'm not sorry I started seeing him, but honestly, next time someone tells me they're poly and would like to date me, I'll probably say no thank you.

I'm sorry this happened to you.
This didn't happen to me, it happened to Mercury. My bf and I are stronger than ever! He actually has assured me quite adamantly that, after 2 years together, I am too important to him to be veto'd.

But, I am with you on one thing, if this thing with him does end at some point for whatever reason, and I were to encounter this situation again, I, too, would probably say No, thank you. I don't want to be at the mercy of any Primary who changed their mind.
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  #119  
Old 06-27-2012, 12:56 AM
mercury mercury is offline
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I am with both of you about not being willing to get into a situation like this again. The way I met him was this: he contacted me over OkCupid and we traded messages for about 2 weeks. I wasn't really even that into him; I just thought he seemed nice, kind of like good friend material. But he was clearly interested in me for dating.

Just a little before we planned to meet for a first date (I still wasn't that into it but was willing to meet for a first date) I happened to find out from just randomly looking at the Facebook page of a casual classmate of mine (not a good friend) that he was in an open relationship with her. He/she were in a few pictures together.

I confronted him about it on the phone: "Are you in an open relationship?"

He said yes, and that he was planning to tell me on the first date. I didn't want to get involved (I wasn't judgmental of them; I just said "Well, I understand that y'all are in an open relationship, but seeing as how i know her, I think I'll pass." -- but then he talked me into meeting him. Then, over seven weeks, I fell for him. Had sex with him, etc.

I wouldn't voluntarily get into a poly situation again. I could have saved myself a lot of grief just sticking to my guns on the phone during that conversation.

Also, I feel for both of you, and am seeing now that the veto was probably a good thing for me. I think "Derek" would have always said I meant a lot to him too, but no matter what, she'd always be # 1. And I really couldn't have that. I can do poly when it feels very equal, but if it doesn't, I wouldn't tolerate it for long. I don't know how well he could have pulled off "equal" -- I know that was his and their intent. But that's all easier said than done.

I think for some women, they want to be the Chief and you to be the Indian, even if just subtly.

I can't have that.

Last edited by mercury; 06-27-2012 at 01:17 AM.
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  #120  
Old 06-27-2012, 01:17 AM
Pretzels Pretzels is offline
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Ugh, your situation sucks.

I dated a guy for four months. We had known each other for years prior to me asking his wife if I could borrow him for a night or two. They have an open marriage and I didn't want anything more than some mild companionship having been through hell in a relationship about a year earlier.

Well, it turns out that we were really good together in that way where he all of a sudden was saying things like, "If I had met you first...not that I'd want something bad to happen to my wife...."

It didn't take long for the wifey - who usually was away with anyone but him more than she was ever home - to pick up on this and start reclaiming him. I begged and pleaded for the three of us to sit down and negotiate some sort of peace. I wasn't looking to steal him away from her or his other girlfriend, but rather discuss issues and work through some of the more difficult spots.

Her idea was for her to watch us having sex. Ugh. No. Or to suggest that I read The Ethical Slut.

Ultimately after a lot of drama, she vetoed the whole relationship and even put an end to our friendship. So that was neat.

Move on. Move into a different kind of relationship or find a set of equals if poly is the hook you want to hang your hat on. Sure it sucks now and it will always suck a little bit, but when someone chooses to either let someone else do their thinking for them or to not consider a wider array of options, nothing can be done.

The guy and I still e-mail back and forth every now and then. He's living his life where he is and the nightmare that that relationship turned into actually informed me of how to ask for and negotiate a relationship with my men when it seemed like becoming a triad was the only way to save our lives together. So, in that sense, it wasn't a total waste.

Good luck and I'm sorry. If you want a good book to read, pick up Nick Hornsby's "A long way down." You can fix everything in time.
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