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Old 06-26-2012, 09:30 PM
mercury mercury is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 84
Default I was vetoed - please read

I've been hurt for the past three months because a girl in a poly relationship with her boyfriend vetoed me.

Here's the story (brief). Made up names. Jeni and Derek were just starting out in poly. I was the first person who came into the picture. He liked me. He and I started dating in the last six or seven weeks of 2011. We ended because I was having a hard time with the situation (didn't know if I really wanted to be in a poly situation; felt like he cared for her more). Apparently, she was having a hard time with it too. He told me that there were "tensions" between them ever since I came into the picture. He later called it flat out jealousy. Anyway, I parted ways from him because I couldn't deal with it, and he kind of said, "Yeah, maybe it's for the best because she can't deal with it either."

I tried to get back together with him in March of this year. I had a new mind set. This time I wanted to be friends with her and try to create a true, open, peaceful thing where she and I support each other and are good friends. (It happens she and I had already known each other as acquaintances anyway, but we were never good friends). To keep this very brief, he did want to date me again. The one time I saw him in person when we made the reconnect attempt, he was sort of all over me, embracing me, holding me, etc. He hadn't dated anyone since we'd ended. He and she had just been exclusive but still trying to plan out how to be open (she insists on a poly relationship even if it's hard for her).

Basically, the upshot was that they spent a week talking it over, and even after all the deliberating, her stance was this: she did want them to stay in an open relationship, but she preferred that he not date me in particular. She said "let's start fresh." So his final words to me were (paraphrasing): "I can't date you. We're still in a poly situation but Jeni has to be comfortable with the person I date."

That's the deal. I was/am very hurt by it. I didn't do anything wrong. I read the "veto" threads on this forum, and most of them say things like "well, if the person is toxic, or somehow going to cause trouble, or that person is clearly crazy, it makes sense to veto."

I'm not those things at all. I'm very normal and in emotional control. I'm not a partier. I'm not wild. I'm really normal; in fact, I am a lot like her ("Jeni"). I wanted to be friends with her and get to know her.

Still got vetoed.

I think the whole veto thing is way mean, especially when it's not warranted. Mind you, I don't blame it all on her. If he really wanted to see me, he would have put up a fight. And it makes sense he abides by her wishes. Two years with her vs. seven weeks with me (a very fun seven weeks), she has a lot more power. But...I just wanted to share my veto story. A lot of poly couples end up hurting other people inadvertantly.


Last edited by mercury; 06-26-2012 at 09:35 PM.
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agreements, contracts, control issues, envy, jealous, jealousy, metamour concerns, new to poly, nre, relationship dynamics, relationship issues, secondaries, secondary, sex, veto, veto policy, veto power, vetos

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