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  #101  
Old 12-29-2011, 07:48 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Joreth provides a definition of "veto" that makes sense to me (as differentiated from the sort of discussion and negotiation that take place in any healthy relationship) and then rips it to shreds: http://joreth.livejournal.com/259773.html
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  #102  
Old 12-30-2011, 02:03 AM
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Veto is the illusion of control and while that seems to be a relief in the beginning of a poly dynamic it inevitably falls on its face and causes more pain when the realization that there is no control becomes evident.

My BF had a veto agreement with his wife who broke it three times. He eventually gave up and let her do whatever she wanted and their trust was broken. If he had decided to ask that he be considered and that she respect his boundaries then he might not of ended up there. She had agreed to his veto but when push came to shove was unable to respect it.

Their trust has built up again but for a time he gave up all control and found that when he did it was very freeing and created more respect for his boundaries than he had thought it would. Not only that it opened up their communication because she no longer felt that she had to hide, that he judged her decisions and that he was going to implode on his feelings of lack of control.
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Last edited by redpepper; 12-30-2011 at 02:08 AM.
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  #103  
Old 12-30-2011, 12:17 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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So, when they say "penetrative sex" they mean PiV? I would think that pretty much everything else has some degree of penetration involved (or can have it, for instance masturbating a woman or giving her oral sex son't HAVE to involve penetration, but they can.)

It sounds like a weird choice of words to me.

For the rest, the relationship wouldn't work at all for me. And I don't like that they make it sound like people who work differently don't experience "real love".
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  #104  
Old 12-30-2011, 06:07 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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I agree with NYCindie. These people sound completely nutty.

Is it possible that the contract is a joke/satire/spoof to point out how polyamory does NOT work with ridiculous rules?
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  #105  
Old 12-30-2011, 06:23 PM
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New term: "One Penetrator Policy" Wait, except nothing says that he can't be penetrated by others, which would mean there would be multiple penetrators involved... so, it's a one-sided one-penetrator policy!
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  #106  
Old 01-01-2012, 09:39 PM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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The power of veto is a myth. The idea creates the illusion of security to those new to poly such as myself, and the emotionally insecure. The core idea behind the veto when you striip the bullshit out from the discussion is mistrust.

Good luck having a real poly relationship if one of the core agreements is based on Fear.
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Last edited by Freetime; 01-01-2012 at 09:43 PM.
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  #107  
Old 01-07-2012, 04:12 AM
Juntas Juntas is offline
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When my wife and I became poly, we decided we would have veto power, and I have only ever used it once, and even then it was after a discussion. And the only reason it came up was due to the guy not accepting the rules and boundaries we had set up, he crossed them and it didn't sit well with either of us. So I vetoed it, so my wife didn't feel like the bad guy ending that relationship. I don't think its necessary unless the other person crosses the boundaries in which you and your partner have set up.
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  #108  
Old 01-07-2012, 08:06 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Juntas View Post
When my wife and I became poly, we decided we would have veto power, and I have only ever used it once, and even then it was after a discussion. And the only reason it came up was due to the guy not accepting the rules and boundaries we had set up, he crossed them and it didn't sit well with either of us. So I vetoed it, so my wife didn't feel like the bad guy ending that relationship. I don't think its necessary unless the other person crosses the boundaries in which you and your partner have set up.
Again, not a veto as far as I can see. You both agreed with your wife to end the relationship. A veto would be if she DIDN'T agree and you called him up and said, "sorry buddy, yer out," while your wife cried "nooooo" in the back ground. This didn't happen by the account you are relaying; not a veto.
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  #109  
Old 01-15-2012, 11:44 PM
riftara riftara is offline
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everyone, welcome Juntas - my John.

Our poly journey has been one of communication - but I have to say if I hadnt agreed in that case, I still would have respected John's wishes that I not be with this guy anymore. Mainly because he had never used his veto before, so I know that he wouldn't use it lightly.
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  #110  
Old 06-26-2012, 09:30 PM
mercury mercury is offline
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Default I was vetoed - please read

I've been hurt for the past three months because a girl in a poly relationship with her boyfriend vetoed me.

Here's the story (brief). Made up names. Jeni and Derek were just starting out in poly. I was the first person who came into the picture. He liked me. He and I started dating in the last six or seven weeks of 2011. We ended because I was having a hard time with the situation (didn't know if I really wanted to be in a poly situation; felt like he cared for her more). Apparently, she was having a hard time with it too. He told me that there were "tensions" between them ever since I came into the picture. He later called it flat out jealousy. Anyway, I parted ways from him because I couldn't deal with it, and he kind of said, "Yeah, maybe it's for the best because she can't deal with it either."

I tried to get back together with him in March of this year. I had a new mind set. This time I wanted to be friends with her and try to create a true, open, peaceful thing where she and I support each other and are good friends. (It happens she and I had already known each other as acquaintances anyway, but we were never good friends). To keep this very brief, he did want to date me again. The one time I saw him in person when we made the reconnect attempt, he was sort of all over me, embracing me, holding me, etc. He hadn't dated anyone since we'd ended. He and she had just been exclusive but still trying to plan out how to be open (she insists on a poly relationship even if it's hard for her).

Basically, the upshot was that they spent a week talking it over, and even after all the deliberating, her stance was this: she did want them to stay in an open relationship, but she preferred that he not date me in particular. She said "let's start fresh." So his final words to me were (paraphrasing): "I can't date you. We're still in a poly situation but Jeni has to be comfortable with the person I date."

That's the deal. I was/am very hurt by it. I didn't do anything wrong. I read the "veto" threads on this forum, and most of them say things like "well, if the person is toxic, or somehow going to cause trouble, or that person is clearly crazy, it makes sense to veto."

I'm not those things at all. I'm very normal and in emotional control. I'm not a partier. I'm not wild. I'm really normal; in fact, I am a lot like her ("Jeni"). I wanted to be friends with her and get to know her.

Still got vetoed.

I think the whole veto thing is way mean, especially when it's not warranted. Mind you, I don't blame it all on her. If he really wanted to see me, he would have put up a fight. And it makes sense he abides by her wishes. Two years with her vs. seven weeks with me (a very fun seven weeks), she has a lot more power. But...I just wanted to share my veto story. A lot of poly couples end up hurting other people inadvertantly.

Thoughts?

Last edited by mercury; 06-26-2012 at 09:35 PM.
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agreements, contracts, control issues, envy, jealous, jealousy, metamour concerns, new to poly, nre, relationship dynamics, relationship issues, secondaries, secondary, sex, veto, veto policy, veto power, vetos

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