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  #11  
Old 06-26-2012, 03:52 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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How in the world was he planning a triad from the beginning by lying and cheating? Poly is about living honestly and having multiple connections the ethical way, not cheating.

Didn't you say you were dating for months before you found out he was even in another relationship? How did that make YOU feel? What made you decide that an omission that big was okay? He lied to you about having a fiance (not mentioning it might as well be lying in my book). He started rumors about you that made his fiance dislike you. He broke up with you. What are you seeing in this guy? Even if he is the nicest man on the planet 90% of the time, the other 10% he is capable of these hurtful, relationship-ruining things. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who could decide to sabotage the whole thing tomorrow?

I know you've said that his fiance doesn't know that you two had a romantic relationship (and that he specifically lied about it to her). Read around here, one of the things you will see over and over and over again is that poly doesn't work without honesty. Until that can be established, there is no hope.
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  #12  
Old 06-26-2012, 03:58 PM
EurAsianGirl EurAsianGirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by km34 View Post
How in the world was he planning a triad from the beginning by lying and cheating? Poly is about living honestly and having multiple connections the ethical way, not cheating.

Didn't you say you were dating for months before you found out he was even in another relationship? How did that make YOU feel? What made you decide that an omission that big was okay? He lied to you about having a fiance (not mentioning it might as well be lying in my book). He started rumors about you that made his fiance dislike you. He broke up with you. What are you seeing in this guy? Even if he is the nicest man on the planet 90% of the time, the other 10% he is capable of these hurtful, relationship-ruining things. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who could decide to sabotage the whole thing tomorrow?

I know you've said that his fiance doesn't know that you two had a romantic relationship (and that he specifically lied about it to her). Read around here, one of the things you will see over and over and over again is that poly doesn't work without honesty. Until that can be established, there is no hope.
He was planning on telling her about us and the triad plan eventually, then the other girl happened and it made him think that Poly was too much trouble. Basically the other girl ruined everything, though I will admit I hated the situation at first too, I felt so guilty that I was having a relationship with a taken man, I hate those kinds of girls even though I realize saying that now is hypocritical.

I never would have fallen in love with him voluntary though, but now I'm stuck. I realize he's not a good guy, I even admit he's a lying womanizing pig, but despite that I still love him. I can't forget all those "firsts."

Besides, I started reading up on poly since he introduced me to it. I've read the Ethical Slut and Opening Up and various Poly groups and forums so after doing a lot of research I've come to be okay with Poly and willing to try it out. I'm sure once I spill everything to the fiancee and even give her my Poly books to borrow, she'll come around to the idea too. Especially since she's highly bisexual.
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  #13  
Old 06-26-2012, 04:14 PM
polypenguin polypenguin is offline
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I've got a couple of questions as well.

First off, how can you expect an "open and honest" relationship with someone who was cheating on his fiance with (at least) two other people, and who lied to you about it in the beginning? i guess I'm just not all that sure how you can expect honesty.

Second,from what i understand, you have never met the fiance? I'm not really sure how you are convinced you all could live in a triad, when you don't know the fiance, and she already doesn't like you.

Look, i'm not going to tell you you're wrong, or bad, or whatever, but i am going to tell you this is a seemingly bad start from I've heard.
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  #14  
Old 06-26-2012, 04:44 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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And I'm sure if we all just put our cards on the table, reveal our innermost emotions and have extremely open and honest communication, we can get past the sad past and develop into a healthy triad.
I think you use vocab in diff ways than I do, but alright. Idea is still same.

Takes two to tango. Three to triad. Do they even WANT to play cards? You could ask, but if they say no ACCEPT THAT.

You are in a crazy dance alone here. And if you are wired for mono, why are you pushing on with this fantasy dance without any partners dancing with?

She is not wanting to go there. He isn't. Not from the sound of things where they left off THREE YEARS AGO.

If they DID want to? Prob not with you now, given the history and the cheater-y start. You may be willing to forgive his cheater-y start, but she might not. He may not forgive himself. So... it's not just about YOU here.

Yeah, you feel you love him. Awesome. Feel what you feel when you feel it! But we don't need to ACT on every feeling. Basically to me you sound young 20's. Like feeling something means we MUST act on it and make it so!

There are many Right Ones. It's not like he's the one and only Right One For You. He was a Maybe (?) Right One but Wrong Time. Move on, seek Right One at This Right Time. Can't move on alone? Seek counseling.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or for life. He's not sounding like a lifer, he was a seaonal. And honestly? A cheatery start like that? Not good raw material there for mono BF *OR* a poly one! I'd be kinda worried about your health here -- you are not seeing clear, you have cloudy vision.

I mean that kindly -- please don't hurt yourself running through fog!

GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-26-2012 at 04:46 PM.
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  #15  
Old 06-26-2012, 05:21 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by polypenguin View Post

Second,from what i understand, you have never met the fiance? I'm not really sure how you are convinced you all could live in a triad, when you don't know the fiance, and she already doesn't like you.
This.

Personally, I would be pissed beyond belief if someone was obsessed with my boyfriend and willing to live with and f*ck me just because I'm part of the package. I would never trust either of you, and I would resent both you horning in on my relationship, and also my boyfriend for being a part of it.

Can you not see how incredibly disrespectful this is? Besides the fact that you think you can *make* her poly, you're not even trying to make her poly because you're into HER, you just want her fiance.

I think you're either incredibly naive or self-delusional if you think lending her your books and presenting your sordid history with her fiance is going to cause her to suddenly want to be in a relationship with you.

Cut your losses, take some time and space to grow up a little, and open yourself up to those people out there who can love you with the honesty and dignity you deserve.
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  #16  
Old 06-26-2012, 05:28 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EurAsianGirl View Post
He was planning on telling her about us and the triad plan eventually, then the other girl happened and it made him think that Poly was too much trouble. Basically the other girl ruined everything, though I will admit I hated the situation at first too, I felt so guilty that I was having a relationship with a taken man, I hate those kinds of girls even though I realize saying that now is hypocritical.
OK, there is a definite issue of perspective here.

This idea of "I'll get into another relationship, then, when it works out, I will tell my current partner" - that is lying and cheating, and it a betrayal of their relationship. Expecting that she would magically accept it all and you all three would live happily ever after was a pipe-dream on his part.

This fourth girl was NOT the person who ruined it all, in my opinion - HE did, by starting the whole thing off on the basis of lying and cheating with his existing partner. That is pretty much totally opposite of what polyamory is all about. In fact, I would actually thank the fourth girl for what she did (even though her motives may have been less than pure), because this would NOT have worked out and would have caused you far more pain and effort than you are going through right now.

OK, back to the original post - you asked for advice... well, here is mine:
This will never work out with him and her. You need to walk away and get on with your life, and not spend any more energy trying to make something work that is doomed. Or you can choose to be his "bit on the side" while he lies to his main partner.
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Last edited by CielDuMatin; 06-26-2012 at 05:32 PM. Reason: Adding the asked-for advice.
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  #17  
Old 06-28-2012, 12:05 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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ADMIN NOTE:
Thread has been reopened in the event that discussion wants to continue for the sake of discussion.

OP however was a sock puppet and has been punted for trolling.
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  #18  
Old 06-28-2012, 12:18 AM
Josie Josie is offline
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I very much agree with everyone else has posted here. It seems like you're wholly concerned about what YOU want and not about what they want and what would be most beneficial. Sometimes moving on is the best thing you can do for a person, especially if you love them and continuing to seek them will cause them trouble and pain.

As well as this, this particular comment disturbs me:

Quote:
Originally Posted by EurAsianGirl View Post
I'm sure once I spill everything to the fiancee and even give her my Poly books to borrow, she'll come around to the idea too. Especially since she's highly bisexual.
Why on earth do you think that being bisexual makes her more likely to be open to Poly? I know a very large number of 'highly bisexual' women who are definately not open to poly.

Last edited by ImaginaryIllusion; 06-28-2012 at 01:58 AM.
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  #19  
Old 06-28-2012, 01:43 AM
PinkDragon PinkDragon is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
ADMIN NOTE:
Thread has been reopened in the event that discussion wants to continue for the sake of discussion.

OP however was a sock puppet and has been punted for trolling.
Ahhhh, well, thank God! (or deity of your choice). I wanted to reach through the computer and strangle someone! LOL
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  #20  
Old 06-28-2012, 04:14 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
ADMIN NOTE:
Thread has been reopened in the event that discussion wants to continue for the sake of discussion.

OP however was a sock puppet and has been punted for trolling.

Thank goodness. I was expecting her next post to be that maybe by boiling their daughter's bunny she could convince the two of them they want to be in a triad with her.
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