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  #1  
Old 06-26-2012, 05:27 AM
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ksandra ksandra is offline
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Default Identity Question

This came from another thread but basically I identify as polyamorous, for as long as I can remember, even before I had the words to describe it I have always felt this way.

Recently I fell in love with a monogamous man. We were friends for a long time and used to talk for hours about polyamory and monogamy and everything in between. He has always maintained that if there is anything like a Kinsey scale for monogamy to polyamory he is a 1, totally 100% monogamous.

I have no desire to change him, though if he wants to try opening up I will support him and in return he has been everything I have ever wanted in a partner. He understands that I am capable of loving multiple people and in turn is totally accepting of this, however he has asked me to be monosexual. And for now this is something that I want to do because it means that he is in my life romantically.

So...can I still say I am polyamorous? Is there anyone who is living a monosexual life and identifies as polyamorous? What are peoples' thoughts about this?
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  #2  
Old 06-26-2012, 05:47 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Yes. To me polyamory is an orientation, and it means the ability to fall in love with more than one person. Furthemore, your relationship is also polyamorous on your side (although monosexual).

I would say you are polyamorous and monogamous right now, or if that sounds confusing, polyamorous in a monogamous relationship. Someone who is bisexual is still bisexual when they're in a monogamous relationship with either a male or a female. They don't turn gay or straight. The orientation doesn't have to match the current relationship.

Hell, right now I'm polyamorous in a poly relationship which is de facto mono because we happen to have no other partners.

Basically, the way I see it:

- polyamorous/monoamorous: emotional relationship orientation. Can fluctuate over time and one person can be somewhere in the middle, not everyone is "wired", but if you are wired, doesn't disappear because you're single for instance.

- monogamy/polygamy: while I know many people hate the word polygamy, I personally consider the -gamy words to be the descriptive ones: how many partners you have. That's how I make the distinction between poly the orientation and poly the relationship.

- monosexual/polysexual: focused on the sex, I would consider it descriptive of a current situation rather than an orientation, because in my opinion a huge majority of people is polysexual if you consider it an orientation (very few people lose all desire for others when they have a sexual relationship with one person).

Therefore, a person might for instance be monoamorous and polysexual, meaning that their relationship allows for several sexual partners but they can only love one (or that they have several sexual partners despite their relationship only allowing for one, in which case they're also a cheater).
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Old 06-26-2012, 11:02 AM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
- monogamy/polygamy
I like the term. I think it`s a better descriptor in my case than polyamory is. Sorry for my ignorance but, why do people hate it?

I agree with Ton. Also, I usually want periods of monogamy when I`m meeting someone new, or when rediscovering a long-term relationship.

It makes no sense to me to adapt behavior to a label. As far as I`m concerned, behave first, label second...and, only when it helps you network with like-minded people.


Otherwise, it`s like trying to fit a square into a circle. Insert joke. I have no time, gotta go.
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  #4  
Old 06-26-2012, 11:15 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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A lot of people dislike using "polygamy" because the average person, when they hear that word, thinks of religious polygyny, and a stereotypical version of it at that (with child brides, forced marriages, etc). They want to distance themselves from it. But personally I think that's the right fitting word, and since people need to be educated about polyamory anyways, I don't see why we should stop that, and not correct their misconceptions on polygamy as well.
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Old 06-26-2012, 03:54 PM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
A lot of people dislike using "polygamy" because the average person, when they hear that word, thinks of religious polygyny, and a stereotypical version of it at that (with child brides, forced marriages, etc). They want to distance themselves from it. But personally I think that's the right fitting word, and since people need to be educated about polyamory anyways, I don't see why we should stop that, and not correct their misconceptions on polygamy as well.
Good point, thank you. Polyamory does sound like a PC word, in the sense that it tries to bring legitimacy to itself, as a minority practice, in the eyes of society at large, to something that may have already been practiced in the past, but had been stigmatized. A little like "African-American", as opposed to "negro".

So, an identity group is created around a new word. There`s nothing wrong with that, but I like to describe myself in the tersest, most matter-of-fact, most unromantic way possible.

The only thing that bothers me about polygamy is that it sounds like marriage. And...well, I think you know how I feel about marriage already.
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Last edited by feelyunicorn; 06-26-2012 at 04:15 PM.
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  #6  
Old 06-26-2012, 04:11 PM
AntiPoly AntiPoly is offline
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LOL! "Monogamous" and "Man" in the same sentence, that's a good one! Especially the fact that he's "100% monogamous."

Honey, don't let the man fool you. It is in my experience that Monogamous men are even more mythical than Unicorns. They don't exist, and the ones that say they are are more then likely just fucking around behind your back.
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Old 06-26-2012, 05:08 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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AntiPoly's completely unhelpful and untrue post aside, yes, you can still say you're poly though you're currently in a mono relationship. My husband MC is mono, but is in a poly relationship as an arm of our V. That doesn't make him poly. He doesn't have any other partners, nor any desire for them (if he wanted them he could have them!), so he's definitely mono. Your personal preferences are separate from your relationship choices.
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  #8  
Old 06-26-2012, 05:14 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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The reason people don't like the term "polygamy" is because it it illegal in the U.S., Canada and a whole bunch of other countries in the world.

In Canada, for example, it's part of the Criminal Code of Canada - Under s 293(a), everyone who enters into any form of polygamy or any "conjugal union with more than one person at a time" is guilty of an offense, and under s293(b), there is a separate offense for any person who "celebrates, assists or is a party to a rite that sanctions a polygamous marriage".

Now, whether the law is enforced in situations that are fully consensual (which include not underage) is a matter of question, of course.

Polygamy means "married to many" and it is that part that is illegal. Polyamory - "in love with many" is not illegal.

So while there are efforts to decriminalize it, it's a little more than some Mormon-related stigma attached to the term. Some people don't want to adopt a term to describe their relationships which are singled-out in the legal system as a crime. I can understand that concern...

For those curious, here is the exact text of the Canadian law:
Quote:
Polygamy
  • 293. (1) Every one who
    • (a) practises or enters into or in any manner agrees or consents to practise or enter into
      • (i) any form of polygamy, or
      • (ii) any kind of conjugal union with more than one person at the same time,
      whether or not it is by law recognized as a binding form of marriage, or
    • (b) celebrates, assists or is a party to a rite, ceremony, contract or consent that purports to sanction a relationship mentioned in subparagraph (a)(i) or (ii),
    is guilty of an indictable offence and liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding five years.

    (2) Where an accused is charged with an offence under this section, no averment or proof of the method by which the alleged relationship was entered into, agreed to or consented to is necessary in the indictment or on the trial of the accused, nor is it necessary on the trial to prove that the persons who are alleged to have entered into the relationship had or intended to have sexual intercourse.
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Last edited by CielDuMatin; 06-26-2012 at 05:20 PM. Reason: Adding quote
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  #9  
Old 06-26-2012, 06:57 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I tend to think of "polygamy" as meaning "several partners" rather than "several spouses". I guess "multi-partened" works as well though.
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  #10  
Old 06-26-2012, 07:57 PM
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Piroska Piroska is offline
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The dictionary says polygamy means having more than one spouse at a time, fyi; (poly - many, gamy - marriage). (sorry, it's the writer in me coming out)
I tend to use polyamorous and monoamorous to describe relating styles and how one desires to structure ones relationships, ie in or wanting to be in relationships with more than one or one, and I tend to use polygamous or monogamous to refer to the actual relationship structure, ie married to more than one or one.

Last edited by Piroska; 06-26-2012 at 08:00 PM.
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