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  #1  
Old 06-26-2012, 08:04 AM
EurAsianGirl EurAsianGirl is offline
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Default How to turn a girl into a Unicorn

*Cross-posted from a forum on Fetlife because they weren't really helpful and I need all the advice I can get!

Contrary to the cliche I am not part of a couple seeking a Unicorn, rather I got into this accidentally and thus would like to know how to go about this.

Here's my story, so I fell in love with this guy. He agreed to go out with me and we were very happy together, a few months into our relationship I learn that he actually has a serious girlfriend, one he lives with and is engaged to! Believe me if I could by that time I would have walked away but by then I was already too in love with him, he said it was no problem and that he could love us both. The relationship grew and we became more and more intimate and I found myself falling deeper and deeper in love with him, he was my first in everything! First boyfriend, first kiss, first sexual contact, you get the picture.

We broke up, not because the girlfriend found out but another girl was trying to get between us and taking him away, it was a very messy situation which turned him off from both of us and he just decided to dump me and go back to being mono with his gf.

Thankfully the girl that ruined our whole relationship is out of our lives, however I can't seem to move on from him! I've tried everything, but I'm still so attached to him and by everything I literally mean everything, it's already been 3 years since our break-up, I am at the conclusion I love him and want to be with him in anyway, even if that includes getting his gf as part of the package deal.

This is no problem as I'm bisexual and for some reason never felt jealous of her, more guilty. I suppose its because he sought me out while he was with her so she was never a threat, I've seen her pics before too and she definitely seems like my type as well, plus she claims she's highly bisexual too! I think this could really work out!

Now the thing is, how do I convince his gf to be poly and be part of a closed triad between him, me and her? She kinda doesn't have a good opinion of me already due to rumors being spread and her thinking I want to break the two up, when I don't anymore, not since I've discovered Polyamory, I want to enter into a triad with them!

I think this Poly thing can really work out for me and will make everyone happy, so Fetlifers I need your advice, as you can see I have a very unique "Unicorn" situation. How do I convince someone's current gf to turn into one?

* Oh, by the way if some people start thinking I'm treating the gf like a sexual object, note that if this relationship goes through I will happily let her date others, she won't have to be exclusive to us! Heck, I'd even encourage her to date others, so no I don't look at her as an object and am willing to give her her freedom. See, I'm different from the other unicorn hunters!
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  #2  
Old 06-26-2012, 09:35 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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You're not a unicorn hunter. You're the unicorn. Unicorn hunters are couples looking for a single bi woman willing to be in a relationship with both of them. That's you.

As for her, she is happily in a monogamous relationship, and from your post, if I'm not mistaken, he was cheating on her. I can see why she wouldn't trust you. Even if she was comfortable with being in a triad, it probably wouldn't be with you.

As for him, he broke up with you, and there is no reason to believe he wants to be in a triad with the two of you, either, especially if he was hiding you from her.

You're not with either of them, and as far as I can tell neither has any desire to be in a relationship with you. Drop it. It's not about turning someone into a unicorn, it's about making to people who are happy together (and, it seems, content to stay monogamous at this point) want to both be with you. Which right now neither of them does.

Just let it go, it's not going to happen.
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Old 06-26-2012, 09:55 AM
EurAsianGirl EurAsianGirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
You're not a unicorn hunter. You're the unicorn. Unicorn hunters are couples looking for a single bi woman willing to be in a relationship with both of them. That's you.

As for her, she is happily in a monogamous relationship, and from your post, if I'm not mistaken, he was cheating on her. I can see why she wouldn't trust you. Even if she was comfortable with being in a triad, it probably wouldn't be with you.

As for him, he broke up with you, and there is no reason to believe he wants to be in a triad with the two of you, either, especially if he was hiding you from her.

You're not with either of them, and as far as I can tell neither has any desire to be in a relationship with you. Drop it. It's not about turning someone into a unicorn, it's about making to people who are happy together (and, it seems, content to stay monogamous at this point) want to both be with you. Which right now neither of them does.

Just let it go, it's not going to happen.
Yeah, but you see she didn't know that he cheated on her with me and he was eventually going to introduce us and have us become a triad, the other girl just ruined the whole thing. ((Thank god she's out of the picture!))

How do you know my guy's gf is monogamous? Maybe she's secretly Poly but never got a chance to voice it? He's definitely poly, she could be too. I mean, she's very heavily bisexual, so I'm sure she'd be willing to enter into a triad.
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Old 06-26-2012, 10:00 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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He cheated on his wife with you. That's not a good foundation for polyamory.

You broke up with him three years ago. If you still can't bring yourself to move on I suggest you seek professional assistance.
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Old 06-26-2012, 10:04 AM
EurAsianGirl EurAsianGirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emm View Post
He cheated on his wife with you. That's not a good foundation for polyamory.

You broke up with him three years ago. If you still can't bring yourself to move on I suggest you seek professional assistance.
Techinically she's his fiancee not his wife, and believe me I've tried. I really think he's my true love, I really want to be with him.

And I'm sure if we all just put our cards on the table, reveal our innermost emotions and have extremely open and honest communication, we can get past the sad past and develop into a healthy triad.
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Old 06-26-2012, 10:14 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Originally Posted by EurAsianGirl View Post
And I'm sure if we all just put our cards on the table, reveal our innermost emotions and have extremely open and honest communication, we can get past the sad past and develop into a healthy triad.
I sincerely doubt it. At this stage you sound to me more like a stalker than anything else.
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Old 06-26-2012, 11:13 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Originally Posted by EurAsianGirl View Post
And I'm sure if we all just put our cards on the table, reveal our innermost emotions and have extremely open and honest communication, we can get past the sad past and develop into a healthy triad.
That would be true if you all wanted that. But from the info you've given us, that's what you want, and they're perfectly fine the way they are. It seems to me the only thing you're likely to accomplish is create more drama and potentially hurt their relationship.

And are you actually thinking of starting a triad with her and not telling her you and her fiance cheated on her?

It seems to me like you're obsessed with him and willing to be with her too because you know there is no way he'd be with just you. But he cut things off with you and in three years, if he wanted you back he had plenty of time to say so.

I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound like there is anything you can do, except look for someone(s) else.
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  #8  
Old 06-26-2012, 03:04 PM
PinkDragon PinkDragon is offline
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Have you ever heard the expression, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink."?

Love is the same way. You cannot force someone to love you. Love cannot be compelled.

I'm afraid I agree with the others... it seems that you're bordering on being a stalker, and you need professional help.
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Old 06-26-2012, 03:36 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Firsts are hard to get over... I get that. HOWEVER, have you even been talking to him recently or have you been planning all of this all on your own? Because from what you've told us, there is no indication that either one of them is interested in a relationship with you.

If by some amazing piece of luck his fiance would be interested in poly and you are considered, you would need to be upfront about EVERYTHING. How you and he originally met, how he cheated on her with you (and do you realize he lied to you as well? Have you dealt with/thought about that?), how you at one point wanted to sabotage their relationship so that you could have him... All of that would need to be addressed so that you could all start from an open, honest place. If after hearing all that garbage, she was still willing to try it with you... Well, I would be amazed.

You also have some things that are contradictory in your post - you say you want a closed triad but you'd be okay with her dating. That would be more open, don't you think? You say that some other person started all these rumors about you that made the fiance dislike you but then you say that at one point you DID want to break them up - sounds like grounds for disliking someone to me.

This situation is so messed up with so many screwed up parts inside it (fiance being lied to and cheated on, the guy lying to both of you, you possibly borderline stalking, no clear or honest communication going on... Shall I continue?). I think it's best to seek some therapy for yourself, get over this guy, and move the heck on. Sounds like the other two could use some counseling or at least some work on communication too if their relationship is going to last.
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Old 06-26-2012, 03:46 PM
EurAsianGirl EurAsianGirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by km34 View Post
Firsts are hard to get over... I get that. HOWEVER, have you even been talking to him recently or have you been planning all of this all on your own? Because from what you've told us, there is no indication that either one of them is interested in a relationship with you.

If by some amazing piece of luck his fiance would be interested in poly and you are considered, you would need to be upfront about EVERYTHING. How you and he originally met, how he cheated on her with you (and do you realize he lied to you as well? Have you dealt with/thought about that?), how you at one point wanted to sabotage their relationship so that you could have him... All of that would need to be addressed so that you could all start from an open, honest place. If after hearing all that garbage, she was still willing to try it with you... Well, I would be amazed.

You also have some things that are contradictory in your post - you say you want a closed triad but you'd be okay with her dating. That would be more open, don't you think? You say that some other person started all these rumors about you that made the fiance dislike you but then you say that at one point you DID want to break them up - sounds like grounds for disliking someone to me.

This situation is so messed up with so many screwed up parts inside it (fiance being lied to and cheated on, the guy lying to both of you, you possibly borderline stalking, no clear or honest communication going on... Shall I continue?). I think it's best to seek some therapy for yourself, get over this guy, and move the heck on. Sounds like the other two could use some counseling or at least some work on communication too if their relationship is going to last.
True, this isn't my ideal situation I am monogamous and would prefer if he were single but I'm already in love with him and I just fell into this by accident so there's nothing I can do.

I won't try to break them up though, as I feel its extremely unfair to the fiancee. I was in her position before ((with the girl who broke up mine and his relationship)) and I know how it feels, so I wouldn't ever want to put an innocent person through that pain. The rumors were started by him, when we got into one of our frequent fights he told her that just to make sure she wouldn't find out the truth about "us." He's not completely out of my life you see, we've been broken up for 3 years but we still communicate and are "friends."

He was planning a Poly triad with us from the very beginning though so I'm not sure why you think he's uninterested... That 4th party just ruined it all and made him think it'd be too much of a headache to handle when he saw how me and her were fighting so he decided to dump us both and go back to being mono with the fiancee. He's inherently Poly though, mono is not his nature since he's made comments to me on how he can love both me and his fiancee and that he loves us both.

By closed triad, I meant that him and me would be monogamous in the triad. If she wants to that's fine, but I'd be okay if she went outside too. ((Not sure what that means if I want him and me to be Polyfi in the triad but don't care if she is?))
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