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Old 06-25-2012, 07:59 AM
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PhilosophicallyLost PhilosophicallyLost is offline
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Default How did your mono S/O react when you first suggested poly?

I'm looking for some perspective and some ideas. I imagine some of you are like myself in that you fell in love with another person after entering a monogamous marriage/commitment. When you decided to break the news to your mono S/O, what were the challenges you faced? My husband is still struggling to be okay with the poly idea, and I was wondering if others had similar reluctance with their S/Os and how they overcame it. What helped get your S/O more "on board" with the idea? For those who did not succeed, what were the problems you perceived that led to the idea failing with your S/O?

My husband is still of the notion that he benefits much less than my boyfriend and I do from trying poly, since my husband does not desire to pursue the poly option much for himself. I disagree with his opinion as I see more benefits in it for my husband than he sees, but I fear that his perceived lack of benefit is creating some resentment on his part. I want him to feel that his feelings are validated and that he is still very cherished. I want him to see the opportunity for it to strengthen our marriage and hopefully his friendship with E. In his eyes he's had me all to himself the past five years and he feels he is giving up something very special to him by sharing me with E, and I see that this hurts him. Have you guys had to work with these kinds of concerns? If so, what helped the most? I appreciate any and all input. ^_^

Edit: Also, a big ethical concern in polyamory is full consent of all parties involved. Y has consented to some romantic gestures between E and me, but at this point I still feel that it's more logical consent than emotional consent. I imagine most mono primaries are initially reluctant to accept poly for numerous reasons, so I'm curious to know how it's truly developed to be full consent for you guys.
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Last edited by PhilosophicallyLost; 06-25-2012 at 08:23 AM.
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Old 06-25-2012, 01:05 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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When I opened the relationship with my mono partner, he took it hard and personally. I wasn't interested in anyone in particular so I was fine with going slowly. We rediscussed it a few times and he seemed to grow more comfortable about it as time passed.

Fast-forward two years, he got interested in someone and told me he was poly all along, and mentioned examples from his high-school years, etc. I had a crush at the time (I had several over the years but wanted to wait until he was comfortable before acting on anything) and I started helping him pursue the woman he liked. I also tried to get closer to my crush by nothing came out of it, however I met Seamus, my current boyfriend, a bit afterwards.

Now I've been separated from Raga, my husband, for a year and a half. We had many issues, mostly trust, and a couple of months after the break up he told me he was mono, had always been, and was pretending for my sake. He seemed resentful that I didn't realise he was acting and that he was actually miserable.
Thinking back, I still remember him as the happiest he'd been in our whole relationship at the time he pursued that woman, and at the time I started dating Seamus. I have to admit, I still don't know if he was pretending then, or if he got bitter after the fact and changed history. Either way, I definitely think that if something went wrong with polyamory, it was the trust issue and a lack of communication. I always tried to communicate with him, but it became obvious over the relationship and after it ended that he tended to tell me what he thought I wanted to hear.

I don't know what I should have done differently. I was obviously intimidating, sometimes it felt like he was actually afraid of me. I hated it. Bottom line is, my advice for you to get out of my experience is to communicate more, and make sure everyone is comfortable, and double and triple check. And for everyone to be honest with their partners.

It's fine if your mono partner is struggling. It happens. It's normal. But they need to let you know so you can deal with it. So make sure he's aware of that. Or they, if both are mono. And I would also say I wish their had been more communication between my husband and boyfriend. They both wanted to hang out and chat in theory, but never really did, and I had to actually hold their hands and make them spend time together. And then again, only when I was around. I think things would have gone better if they had gotten to know each other more.

This being said, ultimately I don't think the end of the relationship was due to polyamory, and I'm not even sure if the polyamory made it last more or less. Sometimes I think maybe polyamory allowed me to see the problems better. But then again I remember the two years we were open but nothing happened, and I hung in there thinking it would get better. If I hadn't had that hope, would we have broken up before then? That's possible too.
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Old 06-25-2012, 02:59 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PhilosophicallyLost View Post

My husband is still of the notion that he benefits much less than my boyfriend and I do from trying poly, since my husband does not desire to pursue the poly option much for himself. I disagree with his opinion as I see more benefits in it for my husband than he sees, but I fear that his perceived lack of benefit is creating some resentment on his part.
What are the benefits for him that you disagree with?
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Old 06-25-2012, 04:48 PM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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This was years ago, in 2006. The second, and last time I was monogamous. Our mono relationship lasted from 2003-2006. For a couple of months after we had "broken up", I was having sex with both her and an OSO. I was in heaven. Super-charged. Sex had never been so hot. So intimate. My self-esteem had never soared so high.

But, that didn`t last long. She said, "She couldn`t do it with me." Specifically...

Then, she went on to experiment with another couple.
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Last edited by feelyunicorn; 06-25-2012 at 05:02 PM.
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:06 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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I'm also curious what benefits there are for a mono husband having a wife dating others.
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:55 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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I would think having a happy wife would be a great benefit. I know that when I was in NRE, I was much more giving to both of them.

One of my men is much less into sex than the other. He's quite happy for me to be satisfied that way elsewhere, so he doesn't get yelled at because I'm not getting laid.

I also have much more tolerance for when either of them is bitchy, or behaving badly. Because I know I'm loved, I don't worry as much that I'm not, so I'm less likely to freak out on either of them.

Disclaimer: I've never been a wife (nor had one), so I don't have that perspective. But I see benefits.
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Old 06-28-2012, 06:07 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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My situation is different.

DH and I have been together a long time and I told him from the beginning when we were dating that I was not wanting to be exclusive. I just wanted the sex hygiene on the level and to be truthed to and kept in the loop. So if he couldn't hack it or was not looking for that, then we could just be friends. He was intrigued so we went on to date and he was fine.

Benefits to him? Our time then with him as my main squeeze? It was all about the present -- sweetness and light. He was for my heart and body. I dumped all my mind & heart stuff at my Other who was LDR. Body was harder there, so he got more of my mind. Blame geography.

Which meant he got more of my stressy and anxious and lalalala while my main squeeze got some of that but not as intense because... well, not! Other got more of my inner thoughts and mind intimacies because well... LDR. We spent a lot more time talking because we could not have all that much body time. And the stuff would burble up. We enjoyed the share mind intimacy.

So my main squeeze wouldn't always get my deepest thoughts in the mind bucket but he got the deepest experiences in the body bucket. It isn't that I did not inform him of wassup, but the bulk of my processing was with Other. So he got to weather the storm WITH me, while DH Then BF got the weather report. It's different.

Other offered to move closer... I often wonder what that would have been like -- both more local. But school/jobs and things just weren't lining up. We had to accept this and Other and I broke it off. HIS more Other, in person local was having probs and jealous at me.

Then we closed up to be exclusive and are in parenting mode now as closed. (No desire to have a poly tribe in parenting time at ALL. ) There have been times in our closed time where we argue and he's expressed his "Ugh! I hate having to be like SuperMan!" which is true. He's my everything guy right now, and sometimes that's a lot.

But we talk and agree that if we open again, it has to be after the main parenting time. Coupled with eldercare for our parents it's just too full of plates.

So it's not like he'd be shocked, surprised from ground zero if later in life I broached it. Or he did.

But we do talk about how different it would be to return to that. It would be ending the current configuration and there would a mourning for the season ending along with the exciting/scary of something new coming.

I think even if you started mono-mono and THEN discovered you wanted to go mono-poly it is something similar.


It would be ending the current configuration and there would a mourning for that season ending along with the exciting/scary of something new coming.... the unknown.

Only for you it is exciting scary and for him it's scary scary maybe? So it IS kinda like "I'm giving up stability config for WHAT?" anxiety.

Mine's BTDT. And I told him he had every right to seek others but somehow he never did. But since he's BTDT... I don't think he'd be all arrrrrgh shocker. It would be new in the sense it'd be new people. My ex's are long gone. But it would not be new in the sense that he's NEVER gone there. Maybe he'd be relieved not to be SuperMan any more? LOL.

And if I wanted to go there and he did NOT at that later stage of life we'd have to make some decisions then. But we've been together so long whatever happens will/should be ok. We talk about breaking up and being good exes if if ever comes to that for some crazy reason.

We talk about our decades together and the goals of the decade. Obviously right now is our parenting time so... *shrug* It is what it is in the 30s & 40s.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-28-2012 at 06:35 AM.
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Old 06-28-2012, 06:27 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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I agree that having a happy, fulfilled wife would be a major benefit. Also, not having to watch her suffer as she tries to suppress part of herself to make you happy.

My husband tells me that when I have an OSO, I am happier and more relaxed in general, so that benefits him just by having a better me around. I also tend to be more appreciative of the things that hubby does since we don't get as much time together (love languages thing - when our quality time decreases our words of affirmation or acts of service or gifts increase to make up for it). That change up in how we show our love and affection is nice every once in a while since it keeps us from getting too complacent and habitual in our efforts. When we are spreading the love, we are more proactive about making sure our feelings are clear whereas when it's just the two of us, we tend to get into a routine. Not that we don't feel loved during the routine times, it just isn't as flamboyant.
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Old 06-28-2012, 08:59 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
I'm also curious what benefits there are for a mono husband having a wife dating others.
Main benefit would be being with a woman you love, and that woman being happy. Secondary benefits would include having someone else to remind you it's her birthday, and someone to go to when seeking advice about her who would know her as much as you do.
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Old 06-28-2012, 10:41 AM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
I'm also curious what benefits there are for a mono husband having a wife dating others.
Presumably, to get her off your back.
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