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  #11  
Old 06-24-2012, 07:00 PM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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Originally Posted by km34 View Post
Since there isn't an emphasis on a primary or live-in relationship, it would seem to be a singles group. I don't think I've ever met anyone IRL who doesn't have the desire to live with at least one partner at some point.
Nice to meet you. I wouldn`t mind being called "lifestyle single" to distinguish myself from single people who are looking to shack up, but just haven`t met someone who fits the bill yet. Just so you know, there are quite a few of us, and a Facebook group. Unfortunately, it tends toward asexuality.

The reason I prefer 'open' is so that people understand that I have relationships, I have sex. Only they don`t involve sharing each and every day of my life and my living space, nor do they have any ceremonial-symbolic trappings or special labels.

BTW, just to point something out which may have been a misunderstanding, I have absolutely no problem with a primary partner or multiple primary partners, for that matter. In fact, I`d very much like that, so long as I have the right to my personal space.

Tristan Taormino, whom I love, describes it as "solo polyamory", which I think is a mouthful.

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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
The term "open" is highly overloaded - it means different things to different people, so I really try to avoid using it, because it can often cause more confusion.
Coincidentally, I find the term "love" overloaded and draconian in meaning, hence why I don`t really like the -amory part of the term polyamory.

But, I think now that I`ve split hairs enough , I should point out that this isn`t simply a matter of semantics. The fact is that swingers don`t allow me inside their clubs because I don`t have a wife (and, probably wouldn`t also if I disclosed my bisexuality); and, polys, although significantly more simpatico, still won`t fuck me on the grounds that I don`t want to live with them and their metamours, and have children, and wear a bow tie to the wedding.

In one group I am barred, in the other I am friendzoned. The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

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In the end, it means that I have to go back to mono singles, who are just a nightmare because to them feelings and independence cannot coexist.
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Last edited by feelyunicorn; 06-24-2012 at 07:43 PM.
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  #12  
Old 06-25-2012, 01:37 AM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
But yeah, the couple-centric focus on married poly people and threads about kids and families does get tiresome after a while (in any of the poly forums I visit, not just this one) when you're solo and childfree. I just avoid them for a while, answer the ones that I relate to better, and then revisit those dyad-focused ones when I have gotten over my feeling of over-saturation. I do learn a lot from every walk of life, so even those married people and parents have something to offer me.
Totally agree about the being selective on threads of interest. I am child-free too, and we don't all cohabit, so threads about those topics are only of limited interest to me. I also tend to avoid the religion topics, too, since being an agnostic means I have nothing really to learn or contribute when it comes to reconciling Christianity with Poly, or which Pagan rituals fit best into the poly lifestyle. Also, since I'm not involved in the BDSM community at all, and have no real interest in that, that is another area where my interest and experience are necessarily very limited.

Having said all that, I think that this would probably apply to most of the denizens on this or any other poly forum. Not only are there so many ways to "do poly", but there are so many combinations and permutations of the "poly and ..." types of scenarios that I think that it's only natural.

If we are not focusing on the single poly enough, or are somehow intolerant of it, then I think we need to be called on it. Everyone having multiple loves in an an open and honest way should be feeling welcome here, otherwise we are missing something, in my opinion.


Quote:
Originally Posted by feelyunicorn View Post
Coincidentally, I find the term "love" overloaded and draconian in meaning, hence why I don`t really like the -amory part of the term polyamory.
Touché. Very valid point.


Quote:
Originally Posted by feelyunicorn View Post
The fact is that swingers don`t allow me inside their clubs because I don`t have a wife (and, probably wouldn`t also if I disclosed my bisexuality);
However, if you were a single female you would be welcome with open... er... arms, right?

Quote:
Originally Posted by feelyunicorn View Post
polys, although significantly more simpatico, still won`t fuck me on the grounds that I don`t want to live with them and their metamours, and have children, and wear a bow tie to the wedding.
Ugh, you have found that? That's just nasty, sorry. In our poly circles I'd say we have a fair mix of the "live-in polys" and the "live separately" polys. Quite a few are in live-in dyads and are quite happy to have other relationships outside the dyad without intending for them to move in and live some idyllic, pastoral, domestic, baccanalic life. Many are either child-free, or have children that are old enough to have left home, and don't want more, nor are they looking for on-site baby-sitters.

The other challenge that you have, of course, is that you are male, and presumably there are a large number of folks out there who are only looking for females... which puts us back into the ages-old poly discussion of why is there a surfeit of males and everyone is looking for females...

Bow-ties, however, along with fezzes, are cool.
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Last edited by CielDuMatin; 06-25-2012 at 01:50 AM. Reason: Merging posts
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  #13  
Old 06-25-2012, 02:49 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I'm sorry that you are having trouble finding people who match the kind of lifestyle you want.
Interestingly, I seem to have the opposite problem: the people I meet are... well, like you, I guess :P They don't want the kind of commitment I need before being intimate. Mind you, I don't require men to live with me or have a ceremony, although I'm open to both and I guess would prefer it, ideally (but I'd rather deal with each relationship the way it presents itself than try to make it fit into a mould).

I guess I'm also opposed in the fact that being female, I'd be allowed in swinging clubs, but I have no interest in going (I don't really get anything from having sex with someone I'm not in love with and committed to. And even if I did, I don't need swing clubs, I could just walk into a bar).

I think that while ideally polyamory, swinging, etc would be more inclusive, people get very defensive of their own way to practice it, because once you've found what works for you, you become overprotective of it I guess. Still, if you have been surrounded by One True Wayers, I'm sorry to hear that.

I hope you meet someone(s) matching your aspirations and goals, but I'm not sure how you can search more effectively. After all, it's good that people tell you what they want, even if it's not what you want, and I wouldn't suggest they get into relationships they're uncomfortable with any more than you should.
Still, you're not the only solo poly on this board, so I'm sure there are others of you out there
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  #14  
Old 06-25-2012, 03:55 AM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
However, if you were a single female you would be welcome with open... er... arms, right?
Exactly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
The other challenge that you have, of course, is that you are male, and presumably there are a large number of folks out there who are only looking for females... which puts us back into the ages-old poly discussion of why is there a surfeit of males and everyone is looking for females...
Yep. I also feel I`m not going to get a very open dialog about gender from married couples who are used to chivalry, and the Prince Charming ideal. In the end, poly or not, I`m still back to Darwin and female egg scarcity and male disposability. Which, makes open relationships seem like a dreamy Utopia.

And...makes me feel decidedly gay.


Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
Bow-ties, however, along with fezzes, are cool.
lol! During Halloween or Pride, most definitely. Other than that, I`ve only worn them when I was slaving away at Bat Mitzvah catering gigs in Brooklyn.

------------

Thanks CDM and Ton for your thoughts.
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Last edited by feelyunicorn; 06-25-2012 at 04:03 AM.
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  #15  
Old 06-25-2012, 04:27 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by feelyunicorn View Post
The differences to me between open vs. poly or swingers (or, even, "open relationship" singular) are:

a) open relationships seem to place less emphasis on family, live-in arrangements, and marriage than either poly or swingers;
I wouldn't agree that poly of necessity involves any emphasis on family, live-in relationships. Not in the slightest.

Quote:
b) open relationships seem to lay further along the sex-positivity scale than poly; no taboo around NSA and DADT;
I also don't see open as any more sex-positive than poly. There's nothing about either that is more or less sex-positive. DADT is not more sex-positive than disclosure.

Quote:
c) open relationships seem to still allow for multiple emotional bonds (hence open relationships, instead of open relationship no "s") to coexist, as opposed to swinging.
Open--and my wife and I are also open in addition to poly--includes NSA, casual FWB, one night stands, etc.--all that stuff that doesn't involve romantic relationships. It may or may not involve DADT.
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While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #16  
Old 06-25-2012, 09:29 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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On a side, rather random note, every swingers club I've been to that allows solo females also allows solo males. Sure, the cost is usually a lot more, but that is because of supply and demand not because swingers as a whole disapprove of solo men.

I have heard of certain groups that host parties that will allow solo women but not men, but they seem to be few and far between. Single women in the swingers scene tend to invite drama and bad behavior. At least the men only seem to invite bad behavior without the drama.

As for the poly side of things... I don't know what to tell you. I personally am a person who likes to surround myself with those I love as often as possible. Very rarely do I feel the need for completely alone time. So, I wouldn't be interested in a relationship with someone who needed a lot of time completely to him/herself. But that's just me.

I also draw a very solid line between my NSA/swinging experiences and my poly ones. My past relationship with someone I met through swinging was awkward and almost entirely unpleasant. I won't let those two aspects of my life mingle that much ever again. So, if I met you at a swingers event or some website geared towards NSA/FWB, I wouldn't have any problem hooking up (assuming we were interested in each other lol). If I met you on a dating site or one geared towards poly, I wouldn't be interested in anything but friendship on the basis that we want vastly different things in the long term. I don't know how many of the poly people you've met feel that way, but that could be one reason they haven't been interested.
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  #17  
Old 06-26-2012, 02:43 AM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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Originally Posted by km34 View Post
I don't know how many of the poly people you've met feel that way, but that could be one reason they haven't been interested.
To be quite honest, I do not meet a whole lot of people and mostly keep to myself. A lot of my isolation is self-imposed. That, should almost preface any and all discussions about my relationship problems. So, I only deserve so much empathy.

I base my poly observations primarily on this forum. That being said, the poly girl I met and was briefly interested in, sort of confirms my hunch.

As for transitioning from NSA to a long-term relationship, I find it to be rather natural. In fact, to me there isn`t much of a dichotomy between the two. But, most people I meet are like you.

Joking.

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Edit: Concerning dating websites, I don`t use them anymore. Or, any kind of personals or phone service (Do those still exist? Showing my age. ) but I was 100% unsuccessful in those. According to my friend, who was a Craigslist pick up artist in his time, it had to do with the fact that I was too straightforward about sex. But, I`m hard-hearded, and have always refused to compromise my stance.

I think it might have had more to do with my height.

Edit2: The reason I don`t go to single men`s nights at swing clubs is because I would essentially be paying what I could be paying to be with a hooker with much more uncertain results. I can totally see myself just sitting there and disappearing into oblivion, as though I was in a really expensive nightclub by myself sitting in the corner, and no one hit on me. But, hopefully one day I`ll let up on my resolve and take some risks.

Edit3: I`ve also had no measure of interest from swingers in personal services in the past, so I assume the same would happen at a club?
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Last edited by feelyunicorn; 06-26-2012 at 03:15 AM.
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