When and how do you tell them?

[loveboston]

[CielDuMatin]

I NEVER use the term "Open Marriage" to describe my relationships. It has connotations which people will assume, and may not ask you about. Polyamory is just one type of Open Marriage, and there are many more (swinging being the other major one).

I use the term polyamory, the hope being that they ask what that is, having never heard of it before. When I start to describe what it is, they usually come up with a "so, you're swingers", at which point I gently correct them.

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by Mudita

When you date or sleep with someone, at what point do you folks ask if they are seeing someone else?

How do you ask?
- are you seeing other people?
or
- is there a SO in your life?

How much of the onus is on the person in the relationship to volunteer the info, and how much is on the other person to ask?

That comment I made earlier is actually the latest in a possible/budding relationship where I find it appropriate to discuss the matter. I typically will ask a lady to coffee or lunch just for company and to get to know her better to figure out if I might want to pursue a relationship. Those aren't presented as capital-D "Dates," just as casual meetings for conversation.

I expect the topic to arise in conversation at some point over coffee, though not specifically aimed at my relationships. It usually pops up in the context of discussing some third person's dealings, such as a public figure's cheating scandal; that leads to a "if they're poly, then I don't see how it's cheating, though I don't know that they are..." and then the response from the potential partner. It is that response that can be most illuminating, as without knowledge of me being poly, the response is free and uninhibited and tells me whether she's poly-friendly or -curious or whether she's vehemently opposed.

Should I get to the point where I've decided I'd like to pursue a relationship with the lady and it still hasn't cropped up in conversation, then I'd simply lay it on the line: "I'm interested in you and I want to get involved with you. I have to report that I'm married. My wife and I are polyamorous, so she already knows that I'm interested in you and approves of it. blahblahblah."

Likewise, if they've not mentioned any relationships prior, I'd simply ask: "Are you involved with anybody?" Yeah, it's that simple and straightforward. I ask for the information I want to learn.

[nycindie]

If I am getting together with someone I met on OKCupid, we have likely had a discussion via email or chat about my not being monogamous already. I generally take my time in meeting anyone in real life that I found via the internet, so there is usually lots of information exchanged before we actually meet in person. My profile is offline now, but when I'm ready to reinstate it again, that's how I roll.

If it's someone I meet in the real world (who hasn't already stated that he himself is poly), I do it sort of the way AT does it, although I don't have a spouse to tell them about. I will get together with someone for a friendly coffee or a cocktail and see if there's an attraction. No assumptions. I feel like stating my relationship status before we've had a chance to see if there is any interest seems a bit arrogant, as if I'm saying, "I know you want me, so here's the deal."

Sometimes a coffee date is very breezy and casual, and "relationship talk" might not come up until the second meeting. Sometimes the subject is broached right away and sometimes it doesn't happen til after I've been sexual with someone a few times. You never know - it depends on the person, chemistry, how we met, etc. - but I don't force that kind of conversation. And I tend to get jiggy with someone early on, and then develop a relationship from there. I'm not the "friendship first, sex later" type. When the subject does come up, or it seems like there are definite sparks flying that we want to continue, I tell the guy I am definitely interested but he should know that: "I am seeing someone else, we are both free to date other people, and I am not interested in exclusivity, so if you want to continue seeing me you have to be comfortable with the fact that I will also be seeing other people, even if we get "serious."

Of course, I'm paraphrasing here. These conversations can be short and to the point or long and complex, but that's the gist of how I approach telling someone. I also discuss my divorce, which has not been finalized yet. I am separated two years now, but not legally separated, and some people get weirded out about that for some reason.

I rarely use the word polyamory unless the other person brings it up first. I prefer to talk about it using the word/concept of exclusivity or non-exclusivity. It's less confusing that way, I have found.