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  #21  
Old 06-23-2012, 01:07 AM
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You have the right to be satisfied and have your needs met in your relationship. If he's not capable of that, then you deserve to be with someone who is.

There are polyamorous relationships where everyone gets their needs meet and their love reciprocated. There are also monoamorous relationships where one partner feels that their love is not returned to the same extent it's given.

Polyamorous people don't corner the market on unrequited love... It sounds like your situation is not unlike any where two people sign up for an attachment-free relationship and then one person goes and gets attached. I've been in your boyfriend's shoes before, when I wasn't dating anyone else. That is, I've been with someone where we agreed to keep it casual when we got together, and then they were hurt when they grew attached and I didn't.

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Originally Posted by canthiswork View Post
I wish I could talk to him about all this! But Iím clearly the "needier" person in the arrangement and thatís not how I want to come across.
What's more important? Your reputation or your happiness?

If you can't talk to your partner about how you're feeling, that's a bad sign. It's important to realize the difference between "I'm feeling ____ and I just wanted to let you know, so you can support me and help me deal with and hopefully overcome these negative feelings I'm having" and "I'm feeling ____ and I expect you to change your behaviour so I don't feel that way."

I think of "being needy" as "I need you to do this, I need you to do that" and not "I am an emotional person with strong feelings that I'd like to share with you."

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Originally Posted by canthiswork View Post
Iím much better off with all this information about poly, but to be honest, itís also been a bit disturbing. Iím uncomfortable with how formalized everything is with its own weird terminology and not to mention bizarre cult origins. Ugh. I hate the sound of "secondaries," "primaries," "vees," "metamours," etc.?!? Ugh. Iíd prefer to think of poly as simply a more complicated (and potentially more problematic) type of relationship between consenting adults. I hope I can get the notion that Iím a "secondary," instead of a friend, girlfriend, or partner, out of my head now!!!
Bizarre cult origins???

It's not always so formal. There are lots of people out there who have healthy polyamorous relationships without even knowing there's a word for it or that other people do it too. Dollars to donuts they don't use those "formal" terminologies.

Of those who do, most use them more as a description than a rule they have to live within. It's just done for brevity. Having words to describe things that others have already experienced just speeds up the process of communication and understanding, once you climb the learning curve of the vocabulary.

I'm still curious about these alleged cult origins..... You're not thinking of that thing in Bountiful, are you? Or Charles Manson? I assure you: polyamory has nothing to do with any of that.
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  #22  
Old 06-23-2012, 01:37 AM
canthiswork canthiswork is offline
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About the weird cult stuff, this came up when I googled something along the lines of polyamory http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqO1beLcFYE. Ewwww. And this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kerista_Village. Creepy! Probably more like Poly's been appropriated and not invented by the wackos of the world...
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  #23  
Old 06-23-2012, 01:41 AM
canthiswork canthiswork is offline
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Thanks for the thoughtful comments too, SchrodingersCat. The common thread in everyone's responses has been talk, talk, talk. I will try
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  #24  
Old 06-23-2012, 12:59 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by canthiswork View Post
About the weird cult stuff, this came up when I googled something along the lines of polyamory http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqO1beLcFYE. Ewwww. And this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kerista_Village. Creepy! Probably more like Poly's been appropriated and not invented by the wackos of the world...
Why "eww?" Don't like Oberon's beard? What he says in that video about polyamory sounds quite reasonable and eloquent. Did you actually listen to his words? The Ravenhearts published a very respectable magazine called The Green Egg for a long time. They are just Pagans who established the Church of All Worlds, and I don't believe they ever forced or coerced anyone to join their church, which is what a cult does. As AutumnalTone said in another thread:
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Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
I'd have to say that anybody who thinks the Church of All Worlds is a cult has no clue what a cult is--thinking something is a cult simply because one has no clue what it is smacks of gross bigotry.
Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart (Oberon's life partner) is often credited for coining the term "polyamory" (although others have documented the use of the word in a related way prior to the article in which she first used it). The Ravenhearts are quite intelligent people and Morning Glory was asked by the Oxford English Dictionary to supply the definition of polyamory for them. My understanding is that neither of those groups you are freaking out about were cults. As for Kerista Commune, it's just an intentional community where all members live and work for the common good and embrace having multiple relationships. Their official site is here: http://www.kerista.com/. Maybe some of the members could be a little wacky but why be so harsh? Even the actor Peter Coyote was a member of a San Francisco commune in the 60s and 70s. Maybe you just have something against old hippies?
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 06-23-2012 at 01:08 PM.
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  #25  
Old 06-23-2012, 03:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by canthiswork View Post
About the weird cult stuff, this came up when I googled something along the lines of polyamory http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqO1beLcFYE. Ewwww. And this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kerista_Village. Creepy! Probably more like Poly's been appropriated and not invented by the wackos of the world...
I understand this reaction. I had a similar reaction when I was first introduced to the term polyamory. I didn't identify as poly for a long time because of the immage that I had seen. The thing is there are people in all walks of life who are polyamorous. Most people who I've met aren't cultish in the least. For the most part we're just people living fairly ordinary lives.
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  #26  
Old 06-24-2012, 01:15 AM
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Originally Posted by canthiswork View Post
This is more of an anonymous vent than a question, but I would really appreciate advice from anyone whoís been in my shoes.

Iím the "other woman" ....
I tried to "vent anonymously" too and posted a thread starting with "I'm the other woman." Problem was, I made the mistake of telling my boyfriend via email about my support on here, he read the threads, which was fine, he already knew 99% of the stuff I wrote. He just thought it was awkward to read about us like that. Then, as luck would have it, his SO found the threads. (She apparantly comes on here sometimes). Great timing. She found the threads , shit hit the fan and life has become a little complicated for us ever since. But my bf and I remain committed to our relationship despite the challenges.

It's hard when you have all these crazy emotions and no other place to vent or seek advice, support. This site and the online friends I've made here has helped me alot.

Quote:
Originally Posted by canthiswork View Post
Iím much better off with all this information about poly, but to be honest, itís also been a bit disturbing. Iím uncomfortable with how formalized everything is with its own weird terminology and not to mention bizarre cult origins. Ugh. I hate the sound of "secondaries," "primaries," "vees," "metamours," etc.?!? Ugh. Iíd prefer to think of poly as simply a more complicated (and potentially more problematic) type of relationship between consenting adults. I hope I can get the notion that Iím a "secondary," instead of a friend, girlfriend, or partner, out of my head now!!!
Forget the titles. They are used here more as common language to describe situations, not actual relationships. He is your boyfriend. You are his girlfriend. No title can fully identify the role in a relationship. Wife to one would mean different to another of another culture, faith, belief system. Use what works for you.

My boyfriend calls me his Love. I call him my boyfriend. We don't identify as Secondary/Primary. I know that his relationship with his SO is "primary" as such due to their history (tenure), living arrangements, financial commitments etc. I guess that makes me Secondary although he would tell you that I am nowhere near being LESS in his eyes, mind or heart. He loves me. He loves her. He loves us differently, for different reasons. It took me a long while to trust in his commitment to me, that I wouldn't be disposed of for whatever reasons (particularly his SO asking him to stop seeing me) but his commitment to me is stronger than ever.

So banish those thoughts! Enjoy every moment of your time together and forget the labels. You're right, this is just a normal relationship with some extra potential complications or compromises. But what relationship doesn't have those to some extent or another?
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  #27  
Old 06-24-2012, 03:25 AM
canthiswork canthiswork is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Why "eww?" Don't like Oberon's beard? What he says in that video about polyamory sounds quite reasonable and eloquent. Did you actually listen to his words? The Ravenhearts published a very respectable magazine called The Green Egg for a long time. They are just Pagans who established the Church of All Worlds, and I don't believe they ever forced or coerced anyone to join their church, which is what a cult does.
Fair enough. I don't know anything about these people, but the guy's odd name and apparent self-styled guru image was off-putting. I'm frankly less suspicious of a pagan "cult" than any other.
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  #28  
Old 06-24-2012, 03:32 AM
canthiswork canthiswork is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newtoday View Post
I tried to "vent anonymously" too and posted a thread starting with "I'm the other woman." Problem was, I made the mistake of telling my boyfriend via email about my support on here, he read the threads, which was fine, he already knew 99% of the stuff I wrote. He just thought it was awkward to read about us like that. Then, as luck would have it, his SO found the threads. (She apparantly comes on here sometimes). Great timing. She found the threads , shit hit the fan and life has become a little complicated for us ever since. But my bf and I remain committed to our relationship despite the challenges.
I'd be horrified if my bf discovered these posts were from me!! Haha.
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  #29  
Old 06-24-2012, 03:43 AM
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Originally Posted by canthiswork View Post
I'd be horrified if my bf discovered these posts were from me!! Haha.
I was! YIKES!!

He came over to my house to talk it out and I cried my eyes out. He told me that it broke his heart to see me struggling and so sad.

I felt so exposed, so vulnerable. As I quietly sobbed, on my couch, in front of the fireplace, my face buried in my hands, he knelt before me, took my hands in his, told me how much he was in love with me and then quoted Tennyson's Lady of Shallott "I am a red cross knight forever kneeled to a lady in his shield."

I knew then that I would love him forever.

It felt good to reach out to him and talk it all out. It made us that much stronger.
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  #30  
Old 06-24-2012, 01:09 PM
canthiswork canthiswork is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newtoday View Post
and then quoted Tennyson's Lady of Shallott "I am a red cross knight forever kneeled to a lady in his shield."
That is very romantic :-)

It's wonderful that things worked out for the better for you. It makes me less afraid to talk to my bf about how I feel.
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