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  #1  
Old 06-20-2012, 11:29 PM
mimi1002 mimi1002 is offline
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Default I am not a plaything. How to be nice?

I am in a LDR with a guy several hundred miles away. We are really in love. However; his partner looks at me as a plaything that is fun to be around but that is eventually going to go home. She cannot understand why we need our privacy when we are together. She was hoping we would be a threesome but I am don't feel that way for her. Now we are starting to talk about him coming to see me more instead and it has just raised a huge stink. I really don't want to hurt her feelings (she is really a nice person, just insecure). Any advice on how to communicate to her that my partner and I have a committed relationship, that I'm not a toy?
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  #2  
Old 06-20-2012, 11:37 PM
PinkDragon PinkDragon is offline
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As much as I'm sure you'd like to get in her face about it, that would be counter-productive to do so. It is up to him to inform his other partner that you are now also his partner.

I have to wonder... since this issue has arisen just what he HAS told the other SO. Has he told you that he's poly but not her? Do they have an understanding that there will always be a triad or quad or what-have-ya between them and their partners?

It seems to me that there is probably a lack of communication going on.
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  #3  
Old 06-20-2012, 11:44 PM
mimi1002 mimi1002 is offline
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Well she claims she is poly although they have been mono for five years. I think that part of the issue stems from the fact I'm Bi and she has fantasied about having a relationship with another woman. She is very infatuated with me. I just don't feel that way about her. Perhaps she doesn't understand that. My partner has been trying to explain to her that there can be no expectations of a threesome but she is just very insecure. She thinks I'm going to "take him away" from her. That is not going to happen. He doesn't belong to her or me. Period. I like her a lot as a friend. I don't want to lose that when reality sets in.
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Old 06-21-2012, 11:04 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Have YOU talked to her about how you feel? Getting information second-hand (hearing about how you feel from him) isn't always the most productive. She could be thinking that he is just saying that and that it isn't really how you feel about her. While I understand not wanting to be too confrontational, I think sitting down and having a conversation about it with HER is important. Tell her what you just told us - you really care about her as a friend, but you just don't feel that romantic and/or sexual spark.

Her insecurity is something she needs to work on if she is going to be a part of any sort of open or poly relationship. Probably not something that would be well received from you, but you might encourage your SO to talk to her about it so that she can work on being happy for him and finding her own relationship(s), too.

The other issue is if they went into the situation expecting to form a triad. If they've agreed to ONLY be part of that relationship structure, then she may very well have an issue with you and him having a relationship without her. There are all kinds of issues about trying to force people into a certain configuration, but some people are bound-and-determined to do it and she may very well be one of those people if she had that notion of polyamory when they chose to pursue it.
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Old 06-23-2012, 05:26 PM
mimi1002 mimi1002 is offline
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After much discussion, I am exhausted. She understands that their can be no expectation of a triad at this point and on the surface agrees that SO and I are in a committed relationship. She is very disappointed that I don't want a relationship with her and feels rejected. SO and I have been encouraging her to find another relationship but she says she's "happy with him" and "he is all she needs". This is concerning.

Because she is so insecure SO and I have been holding her hand and trying to boost her up to prevent a major meltdown. However, in this process I am feeling left out and controlled. I don't get to see him on a daily basis like she does so when I find out that he didn't call when promised because he had to go be with her, it bothers me. Or in order to see me he has to make sure that it works with her schedule I get a miffed.

Is my irritation with this situation unjustified?
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  #6  
Old 06-23-2012, 06:07 PM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Not unjustified, IMO. It's not as if you're obliged to be everyone's girlfriend. This is reality, and your metamour needs to come back to it.
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Old 06-23-2012, 08:49 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mimi1002 View Post
I don't get to see him on a daily basis like she does so when I find out that he didn't call when promised because he had to go be with her, it bothers me. Or in order to see me he has to make sure that it works with her schedule I get a miffed.

Is my irritation with this situation unjustified?
I would not date somebody who did that. My dates with my boyfriend can be scheduled around his wife and my husband's schedules, and if something needs to be moved around because of something important to one of them that's fine. However, if we made plans and they were broken without a heads up and rescheduling, or without a reason, the end of dating that person would probably happen after a second incident.

LDRs need more tending and consideration IMO, not less. Taking the poly out of the situation, how many times would you let a monogamous partner not follow through on plans before you'd had enough?
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