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Old 06-23-2012, 01:46 PM
Prudence Prudence is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 17
Default Changing the relationship for the "right reasons"

I will try to keep this short! =)

Over the last four years, hubby and I have dabbled (barely) in an open relationship. Basically: he is 95% mono, and I lean more poly (though am essentially untried). He had never had a sexual partner before me, and I didn't want him to feel like he'd "missed out," so I okayed him finding playmates if he desired. He, being pretty seriously mono, wasn't comfortable with me having relationships with other men face to face, but with some thought has allowed me to pursue playing online. While not "equal," we were both comfortable with this agreement and so this was what we decided. We are not fully poly, and so we do a lot of mutual decision-making about this. If one of us is uncomfortable, we do not proceed, and this works well for us. =)

In truth, when we first discussed this, our relationship was not in a good place. However, over the last few years we have repaired the damage and we are strong and happy and very much in love. In fact, we just had our first child last year. =)

Since that original discussion, hubby attempted twice to play with other women but was mostly unsuccessful for a variety of reasons, including lack of chemistry (on his part), shyness, etc. Those 2 incidences were the only times he even felt interested enough to try. I did my best to support him, but being young, naive, and muddling through my first time "sharing" I did stumble a few times (onto boundaries I didn't know I had!). As for me... I dabbled a bit and then fell into a relationship with someone that I have grown to love very much. We have been together for almost three years now; he lives a thousand miles away and knows we will not meet in person (although we'd both very much like to).

Hubby came to me last week to say he'd developed an interest in a girl at work and ask how I felt about him pursuing it. (I had mentioned that I would not want any others for a while following the birth of our child, as I felt I would be too emotional/insecure to handle it, and we both wanted that time to be one of bonding as a family). I said I would give it some thought, and I did, for a week - there are some challenging factors, including lingering insecurity and, soon, a forced separation (as I will be starting a job in a new city, but he's staying behind for a few months for employment reasons, so we will be separated except for weekends). I mulled over some ideas about how to enable this to work the best (communicating long-distance), but I had a nagging reservation that I couldn't shake, so I finally just told him: I could most likely work with this, but I'm honestly afraid that I will come to be resentful that I cannot meet MY OSO face to face, or else I might try to use it as leverage to do so, and that's not fair to you. I said I was fine with dirty texting, swapping pictures, etc (basically the same limitations I have with my OSO), but that physical intimacy would feel unfair to me now and I truthfully wasn't sure I could handle that.

I figured that would be the end of it, because while hubby is tolerant of the OSO, he's not exactly enthusiastic about him, and has indicated firmly on multiple occasions that he's not interested in allowing me any more freedom than I currently have.

So you can imagine my shock when hubby said he agreed with me, he'd been thinking about it too, he also felt it would be unfair and he may be willing to allow occasional meetups with the OSO if that were the case.

Lovely people, I am torn between two reactions right now:

1) Oh, my God. My wildest, most fervent desire might come true. Let him do whatever he wants!!! I might get to see OSO!!! Don't screw this up!!!
2) .....what is so special about THIS GIRL that he's suddenly willing to let me meet with OSO if it means he can get in her pants?? #suspicion, #jealousy

Is it wrong for me to worry about his motivations? I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth but our relationship is precious to me and if we are changing "the rules" I just want to ensure we're changing them for the right reasons (growing understanding, increased compersion and healthy trust... not just lust-blind NRE).

Thoughts? Thanks in advance!
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