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  #11  
Old 06-20-2012, 05:27 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Honestly, you should be able to talk about things bothering you in any of your relationships, what ever their nature may be. This is essential.

Secondly, I am quite concerned about the comment about the wife/husband swappers. Do you feel that this is about sex? Do you feel you are not considered a 'proper' relationship and just some fun on the side where after he is able able to return to his real and only relationship?

I ask, because it is possible to have more than one 'serious and meaningful' relationship in a polyamorous setting. Poly isn't just hierarchical and that's it and just the main partner is worth some consideration. You should really talk to your spouse and ask for some things you are missing or that don't sit well with you. You can't change the fact, if he doesn't want to change anything, but you should always be able to at least ask for it.
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  #12  
Old 06-20-2012, 11:00 PM
Jade Jade is offline
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Sometimes "neediness" disappears with additional information. Please don't be afraid to talk to your partner.
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  #13  
Old 06-21-2012, 04:35 AM
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Default Sounds familiar :)

Hey there. I was a little spooked reading your post as it sounds quite similar to one I started many months ago.

I've been in a similar situation as you for the past 2 years and the truth is, it CAN work, but not without struggles, heartache and some compromise. My bf and I are deeply in love, and it's growing deeper and stronger as time passes. The idea of us separating would devestate both of us.

I encourage you to read my threads (although some of it might scare you off of this!) and it will give you an idea of the ups and downs.

You are not alone in how you feel. I've been there with my love several times. You will figure it out, or you will leave, the choice will be yours.

My only advice is to be honest with him and with yourself, always.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk in private.

Good luck!!
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  #14  
Old 06-21-2012, 02:18 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by canthiswork View Post
Iím afraid Iím some peripheral thing in his "real" life with his wife and kids, and that I might even be one of other poly interests.
And why don't you know? You have every right to ask how many people he is involved with and what safety precautions he takes with each.
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  #15  
Old 06-21-2012, 02:41 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
You have every right to ask how many people he is involved with and what safety precautions he takes with each.
Quoted for truth!

It is absolutely vital to know what safer sex procedures are in place with his various other partners. They say you have sex with every person your partner has sex with, so it's kind of important for your own ongoing health.
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  #16  
Old 06-21-2012, 04:22 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by canthiswork View Post
I wish I could talk to him about all this! But Iím clearly the "needier" person in the arrangement and thatís not how I want to come across. It would be great if he brought it up, but I donít think heíd want to confront any of this either. So, here I am in--trying to understand my place in a poly world.
In *any* relationship, whether mono or poly, you should expect to be able to discuss any issue that affects the relationship. It's a fundamental part of all healthy relationships.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

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  #17  
Old 06-22-2012, 11:56 PM
canthiswork canthiswork is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
And why don't you know? You have every right to ask how many people he is involved with and what safety precautions he takes with each.
It must be my mono mindset--youíd be a pretty insecure, jealous type to harangue your partner with your suspicions about infidelity. I know that he isnít sleeping with anyone else, well besides his wife of course, but worry that he might want to. Itís another aspect of poly that I need to come to terms with.

I really appreciate everyoneís comments about talking to my partner (boyfriend? lover? Gosh, I'm not even sure what to call him) about all this. I think I should try to, even if itís only to let him know how much I care for him.

It was very helpful to read your posts Newtoday, so many similar sentiments!!
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  #18  
Old 06-23-2012, 12:02 AM
canthiswork canthiswork is offline
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I’m much better off with all this information about poly, but to be honest, it’s also been a bit disturbing. I’m uncomfortable with how formalized everything is with its own weird terminology and not to mention bizarre cult origins. Ugh. I hate the sound of "secondaries," "primaries," "vees," "metamours," etc.?!? Ugh. I’d prefer to think of poly as simply a more complicated (and potentially more problematic) type of relationship between consenting adults. I hope I can get the notion that I’m a "secondary," instead of a friend, girlfriend, or partner, out of my head now!!!

Last edited by canthiswork; 06-23-2012 at 12:11 AM.
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  #19  
Old 06-23-2012, 12:48 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by canthiswork View Post
Iím much better off with all this information about poly, but to be honest, itís also been a bit disturbing. Iím uncomfortable with how formalized everything is with its own weird terminology and not to mention bizarre cult origins. Ugh. I hate the sound of "secondaries," "primaries," "vees," "metamours," etc.?!? Ugh. Iíd prefer to think of poly as simply a more complicated (and potentially more problematic) type of relationship between consenting adults. I hope I can get the notion that Iím a "secondary," instead of a friend, girlfriend, or partner, out of my head now!!!
LOL, Well, I would say that most people don't bandy these terms about in real life. The phrases and terminology are only useful in communicating with other polyamorists, such as in online communities or poly gatherings when you want to explain who's who in any given relationship. And don't worry, lots of people eschew hierarchies. Heck, I find even saying the word "poly"out loud sounds goofy in conversation. Labels serve to identify other like-minded individuals and a common language/lingo helps us understand a person's situation, since it canbe so varied. But, no, very few people would address others in their lives by those designations to their faces - if they did, ew, yuck!
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  #20  
Old 06-23-2012, 01:01 AM
canthiswork canthiswork is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
LOL, Well, I would say that most people don't bandy these terms about in real life. The phrases and terminology are only useful in communicating with other polyamorists, such as in online communities or poly gatherings when you want to explain who's who in any given relationship. And don't worry, lots of people eschew hierarchies. Heck, I find even saying the word "poly"out loud sounds goofy in conversation. Labels serve to identify other like-minded individuals and a common language/lingo helps us understand a person's situation, since it canbe so varied. But, no, very few people would address others in their lives by those designations to their faces - if they did, ew, yuck!
Whew, thatís a relief!
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