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  #21  
Old 06-22-2012, 03:36 PM
PinkDragon PinkDragon is offline
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Default Over before it began?

A really good friend of mine and Bear's sent an email to both of us last night. Bear has been friends with this guy for more than 20 years and really respects his opinion.

But, before I get there some background...

Bear is an ordained minister. He's let his license lapse and has not been affiliated with a church in a professional manner for several years, but is still very much a follower of Jesus (as am I). He's the kind of person that when someone wants some really serious prayer they call him.

Our friend was a pagan, then a Christian, then a pagan, and is now a Christian again. He's kind of in that honeymoon, everything is black and white, all on fire stage of his Christian journey.

Back to present... In the email he says that he's hurt and disappointed about this decision we've made, even though he's seen it coming. He does admit that his feelings should really have no bearing on what we choose to do in our bedroom, but that he feels that way. His real beef is that he feels that Bear is using scripture to justify this lifestyle. He states that marriage is supposed to be between one man and one woman; that there was Adam and Eve, not Adam, Eve, and some other woman.

He tells Bear that if he (Bear) wants to be a hedonist that it is his decision to do so but that he needs to be careful of how he justifies it.

I do agree with our friend that Bear is trying to use scripture to back up this choice, and honestly, while I haven't addressed it, I don't agree with Bear's reasonings.

However, I have no problem with "alternate" forms of marriage. I support polygamy, gay marriage, polyandry, etc.

So, this is my fear... that Bear is going to spend the morning thinking about this, walk in at lunch and announce that our friend is completely right and that we're done with poly.

This is not acceptable to me.

Call me self-centered, but I want the freedom to pursue relationships with women.

It has taken me a long, long time to get to the point where I have almost accepted my own sexuality as far as being gay. To feel like I'm not an evil, sinful, horrible abomination to my God for desiring and engaging in sexual relationships with women.

Did I mention I was raised Southern Baptist? There are so many ideas, even within the context of Christianity, that are considered major no-nos by the SBC that I have whole-heartedly embraced over the years. For years I referred to myself as a "recovering Baptist". For me that entire sect is more a list of "don'ts" than a list of "dos".

I love my God with all my heart and I have a really hard time believing that he would allow me to born gay and then deny me the happiness of my sexuality.

I won't leave my husband over this issue, but I am really afraid of what he's going to say, what he's going to decide based on what our friend said.


Input on this is appreciated, post it here or send me a message, either one.
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  #22  
Old 06-22-2012, 05:57 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Um, wait, so, what about Abraham, Sarah, and Hagar, the original unicorn hunting threesome of the Old Testament???

Also, are the friend and Bear anti-gay? Cuz I've only ever heard anti-gay people use the "Adam and Eve, so ___" argument. My only response is, like, "Adam and Eve didn't have cell phones, so we shouldn't either!!! Are you freaking serious?" Bleh.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #23  
Old 06-22-2012, 07:15 PM
PinkDragon PinkDragon is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Um, wait, so, what about Abraham, Sarah, and Hagar, the original unicorn hunting threesome of the Old Testament???

Also, are the friend and Bear anti-gay? Cuz I've only ever heard anti-gay people use the "Adam and Eve, so ___" argument. My only response is, like, "Adam and Eve didn't have cell phones, so we shouldn't either!!! Are you freaking serious?" Bleh.

Nah, Bear knew from the get-go that I'm bi and has never had a problem with it. I certainly wouldn't have married him without telling him! LOL

And yes, there are LOTS of instances of polygamy in the OT, and I have a really hard time believing that none of Solomon's 400 wives and 700 concubines never developed relationships with one or more of the other women. I have a hard time believing that he only had one woman at a time in his bed!

Oddly enough, our friend isn't anti-gay. He's all over gay rights. We have a mutual friend that's MtF and a lesbian. I think the problem is that Bear and I have been put on a pedestal and aren't "allowed" to engage in practices that he might find "immoral".
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Not dating anyone right now.
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  #24  
Old 06-22-2012, 07:17 PM
PinkDragon PinkDragon is offline
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Default Whew!

Bear and I talked at lunch. All is well. He finds our friend's reaction to be somewhat hypocritical, and like I said in the previous post, that our friend has him on a pedestal.

Ya know... I just like to be honest and open with those that I think aren't going to judge me. I never expected that from him.
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  #25  
Old 06-22-2012, 08:10 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PinkDragon View Post
Did I mention I was raised Southern Baptist?
I'm sorry!

Quote:
For years I referred to myself as a "recovering Baptist".
LOL
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  #26  
Old 06-23-2012, 02:11 AM
PinkDragon PinkDragon is offline
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Default Never ask "What next?"

I didn't do that, btw. Just a friendly warning.

This afternoon I went to the doctor for a routine checkup. While there I asked him to look at a rash on my neck. He looked. He took a picture. Then he told me that it's neither an allergic reaction nor psoriasis.

Based on a lot of crazy symptoms I've had over the last five years, plus the rash, and awaiting the results of a blood test.... it seems I have Lupus.
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Not dating anyone right now.
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I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.--EAP
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  #27  
Old 06-23-2012, 01:32 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PinkDragon View Post
So, this is my fear... that Bear is going to spend the morning thinking about this, walk in at lunch and announce that our friend is completely right and that we're done with poly.

This is not acceptable to me... I won't leave my husband over this issue, but I am really afraid of what he's going to say, what he's going to decide based on what our friend said.
So, is your husband's word the law?

This is a terrible way to live, in fear of being dictated to by your partner!

Why wait to see if he comes up with some pronouncement? Be proactive and talk to him about your concerns. You have equal say in your relationship. The door has been opened, it should not be slammed shut on a whim. You have an agreement, now revisit it and make sure he will not be swayed by others' idiocies and judgments. If it is such a possibility, then perhaps there needs to be a stronger foundation under you both, or more clarity in your communication.
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 06-23-2012 at 01:34 PM.
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  #28  
Old 06-23-2012, 02:52 PM
PinkDragon PinkDragon is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
So, is your husband's word the law?

This is a terrible way to live, in fear of being dictated to by your partner!

\
Oh, no, that came across wrong. I was a little worried when I made that post so I wasn't as clear as I should have been.
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Pinky, 41, f, bi. Married to Bear, 42, m, straight.
Not dating anyone right now.
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I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.--EAP
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  #29  
Old 07-21-2012, 03:55 AM
PinkDragon PinkDragon is offline
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Default Things have been crazy

Sorry, I haven't been posting. Things got hectic, crazy, insane... I didn't have time to sit down and write.

A lot has happened. The relationship with Lovely has been progressing nicely. She doesn't know that I have flipped and flopped and waffled about the whole poly thing. I've had some personal issues to work out. I have driven poor Bear insane with all the do I/don't I issues.

One day I'm really happy with the whole thing and the next day I'm not. I think that might be normal. I'm finding my groove I guess.

Some circumstances being difficult, and Lovely moving to our burg to attend college (transferring from a jr college) we all agreed that her preteen daughter would come to stay with us for about a month while she finished a summer class. Lovely would stay with a friend in order to conserve money, and would find a place of her own for her and her daughter at the end of the summer.

No issues there. She's a great kid. This past weekend Lovely came, brought daughter, we got her all settled in, everything is fine.

She goes back to the town where she's been living. Gah, is today really only Friday? A whole month has passed this week, know what I mean?

In the wee hours of Tuesday morning her friend's son raped her. Once she was released from the ER where a rape kit was collected she left there and came here.

Today we went to retrieve her belongings from her friend's house. The friend wasn't home, but the piece of shit rapist was. The "friend" KNEW we were coming today to get her clothes, etc. I called him last night and left him a vm. Asked him to call to arrange a time. He didn't return my call, but he KNEW we were coming to get her stuff.

What kind of bastard does that?

If there hadn't been a sheriff's deputy standing there (at our request) I would have killed the son of a bitch that did this to her.

She is so hurt in body and spirit. And, she was just starting to come out of the initial shock and anger of the attack and now we're right back where we started because her "friend" didn't tell the son to get lost for the day.

And there's nothing I can do.

I can feed her, hold her, pet her, let her know she's safe... but I cannot take away her pain. I cannot erase the memory. I cannot heal her body. I cannot heal her spirit.

I know that my feelings are piddling compared to hers (and also that I am fully within the normal range of emotion to be feeling the way I feel), and I am more concerned about her than me. But still... I rarely feel helpless... incapable of helping someone else, and this is my lover that is wounded.

To compound issues, the "friend" is also the father of her daughters best friend. So now we have to tell daughter that she most likely will never speak to her BF again because of the father. But, at least that puts the blame where it belongs.

So, long walks, therapy, trips to the pool, popcorn, movies, hand holding, lots of prayer, fuzzy kittens, roasted marshmallows, beating on the punching dummy (yes, I have a Bob), letting her cry when she wants to cry, rage when she wants to rage, love when she wants to love ... and in time she will heal.

She and daughter are now living at our house. Lovely decided that on Monday she will start looking for a job. Ten people just got fired from our local Walmart for stealing, so that is a good place to start. It's about six weeks til the semester starts, so if she can find a job quickly that will help her to get into a place of her own. Though right now I'm not worried about that. I'm just concerned with her feeling safe. That's all I want, and I think she does feel safe here. Otherwise she would have never left her daughter in our care.

Well, that's it for now.
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Pinky, 41, f, bi. Married to Bear, 42, m, straight.
Not dating anyone right now.
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I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.--EAP
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  #30  
Old 07-21-2012, 05:00 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Hey, I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to Lovely. The girlfriend of a good friend of mine was raped by a stranger while coming to visit him and he's been dealing with terrible guilt. Giving her a safe place and support is a huge gift right now.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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