I could use some help understanding my partner.
Hello everyone, this thread may seem long winded but I feel that I should share everything so that I may paint a better picture for you to understand.
My partner is my bestfriend, he is my soulmate, my world. I would do anything to make him happy. I put his happiness before I put my own and I strive to make sure he receives all of the attention, love and support that he deserves.
First off, we both have OCD. Mine being much worse then his, and I put him through a lot. I really do. Between my compulsions and insecurities - how he deals with it is beyond me. He loves me just as much as I love him, this is evident in his patience and support.
Before I met him, I thought I would be alone forever. I think that if I am without him, I will be alone forever. The chances of finding someone with that connection and chemistry who also has OCD is just nigh impossible. Not only that, I don't want anyone else. I cannot imagine a world where I do not fall asleep at his side and wake next to him. I cannot imagine a world without his parents, his family. I cannot, I don't want to. I love him so much.
Here is what's going on.
He has recently told me he is polyamorous in that he can love / be with more then one person at one time.
I am not like that, although I certainly wish I was so all of this stress and heartache could just end.
I accept him for who he is, in fact I don't even have anything to accept. I love him and all of his qualities, and I would never change a thing about him.
But again, I am not polyamorous. So, here's the situation. I'm conflicted. My stomach is turning, my heart is sinking and I don't want to lose him. I would never leave him. I wouldn't. Whatever happens will be his choice to make. But I won't make that choice, I can't - I wont.
So now my OCD is going apeshit on me. How am I supposed to live... Just live and go on continuing our life knowing that he could one day love someone else and want to be with them because of his sexuality. My OCD is so terrible right now. I had to ask him, what would you do - What would you do if you did fall for someone else. You would have to choose, to be with me or to be with them, and he said he wouldn't choose.
He said he would be himself, he would be true to himself - so what does that mean?
He said, if he loved someone else and they were okay with his being polyamorous he would be with them. So I said you would choose them then, and he said no. He said he wouldnt be choosing anyone.
It makes no sense.
I am confused.
I am conflicted.
I don't want to lose the man I love with all of who I am.
|mono / poly, ocd|