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  #11  
Old 06-19-2012, 05:18 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magenta View Post
I imagine to be based in our house, though, and only sleep in the apartment once or twice a week.
I just want to throw this out - this makes me think you still do have a lot of work to do to decide if your marriage is a relationship you want to keep being in. Being out on dates a couple nights a week, is one thing, but sleeping over twice a week, well that can be a struggle for lots of couples, especially when both of them aren't happily poly and seeing people or good at keeping themselves entertained.

Don't know if you've already discussed with your husband that you are choosing to become that independent, but if not I'd make sure you do, and that he understands and agrees that he is going to be responsible to stay at home caring for the kids overnight without you so regularly. Make sure there is some benefit for him such as free time for himself, or some extra money he can spend as he likes on hobbies so it does not feel lopsided, if you haven't already worked that out.

I imagine that it would feel very threatening - my spouse getting an apartment and letting me know they were already planning on being gone up to twice a week - that on top of a newly open relationship would make me struggle with trusting that my partner wasn't planning on jumping ship any second. Just wonder if you've examined your motives closely, as it seems looking at an apartment before you have even found somebody you want to be in a relationship with seems hasty.

Then again maybe you are interested in casual hooking up? I hadn't gotten that impression from your original post but perhaps you are very eager to run with this and start making up for the years of missing sexual intimacy. Anyway, regardless, I just recommend thinking hard about how your actions look to your husband, what they mean for you, your marriage, and your family.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 06-19-2012 at 05:24 PM.
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  #12  
Old 06-19-2012, 06:00 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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If you think there's any chance that one of these other relationships might end up being a replacement for your husband. You know, emotional entangment, sexual compatibility and likely the desire to cohabitate then leave now. It's not fair to your husband to keep him around until someone more compatible for you comes along. If you are committed to maintaining your relationship with your husband I would say that you still have a lot of work to do to mend what you have. You've self described your relationship as broken which, to me, means either put a lot of work into fixing it or putting a lot of work into seperating amicably so that you can coparent your children in the best way possible.
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Old 06-19-2012, 08:03 PM
poeticwatcher poeticwatcher is offline
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Just a long thought, how long have you & your husband been together? You mention not having sex with him in the past 5 years, would it possible that he is (could/would identify as) asexual?

I ask because my partner does identify as asexual; which caused a lot of tense/ frustrated discussion and communication while we were trying to work out why he did not want to have sex, while I identify as both poly and someone possessing a high libido.

In case it provides any help to your situation, there is AVEN ... Things are a lot calmer at home after my partner had time to process his own feelings and come to the conclusion that he does identify that way. I can say that I definitely do not feel sexually towards him anymore, and have only minimal romantic feelings towards him; I do love him, it's just more like a best friend. We talk a lot because I worry about neglecting him, but he's happy just having a companion-- someone he can share evenings at home, meals, and/or social functions with.

As far as our home, he's requested that any lovers I have over be respectful towards him and he is not willing to accommodate a request to vacate his own home, even if for a few hours. I am in agreement, especially given that he is an introvert and the financial powerhouse in our partnership. Neither of these requests/ boundaries has caused me any trouble in my other relationships.
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  #14  
Old 06-20-2012, 07:40 AM
Magenta Magenta is offline
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Thanks, I am grateful for all your comments!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Don't know if you've already discussed with your husband that you are choosing to become that independent
Yes, we discussed that. I loooked at an apartment about a year ago with the intention to move out completely. That apartment would have been big enoughfor me and the kids, which would have meant they'd have to move every week. He didn't like that option. He sais he'd prefer we live together, partly for the kids, partly for our own practicality, and I guess partly for what his family might think...but the latter is only speculation.

He went with me to look at that apartment. I've been very open with my feeling about our relationship.
I also encourage him to hang out more but he's not the kind of person who makes friends easily. Or WANTS to make friends - I don't know. Still, he went out two evenings in a row now and of course I was at home with the kids! I really enjoy that, so that's no problem.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I imagine that it would feel very threatening - my spouse getting an apartment and letting me know they were already planning on being gone up to twice a week - that on top of a newly open relationship would make me struggle with trusting that my partner wasn't planning on jumping ship any second. Just wonder if you've examined your motives closely, as it seems looking at an apartment before you have even found somebody you want to be in a relationship with seems hasty.
Well, I AM considering leaving him and he knows that. He told me he would prefer to keep living together and is willing to give me the chance to go out regularly. Last year, my gf and me had the arrangement that I sleep at her place once a week. He clearly thinks our marriage was better when we lived monogamous but he still seems okay with this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
perhaps you are very eager to run with this and start making up for the years of missing sexual intimacy. Anyway, regardless, I just recommend thinking hard about how your actions look to your husband, what they mean for you, your marriage, and your family.
Thanks, I try to do that and I'm grateful you repeat it for me. But actually I think I've done that for a far too long time now. I've adjusted to too many things and neglecting my own needs. So I feel I am reclaiming my own needs, trying to become me again, with my own ideas, my own frinds (which I've neglected bewcause he prefers to spend time wioth our familiy, the five of us), my job, my sexuality. Maybe I kind of fall over into the other extreme too much at the moment, but I don't know if I can help that right now

Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
It's not fair to your husband to keep him around until someone more compatible for you comes along. If you are committed to maintaining your relationship with your husband I would say that you still have a lot of work to do to mend what you have. You've self described your relationship as broken which, to me, means either put a lot of work into fixing it or putting a lot of work into seperating amicably so that you can coparent your children in the best way possible.
Well, I am not sure whether there aren't more than these two options. That's basically why I'm in this forum.

Afaik, the idea about polyamory is that you can have an loving relationship to several people. The relationship to my husband is not romantic any more, nor sexual. But apart from the kids he is the most important person in my life. Even if I 'add' another one (and I tested this last year), his position might move slightly, but he still belongs to the important persons in my life. I don't know whether 'broken' is the right term.
We've been together for 13 years. Even with a large portion NRE, these years and our deep (platonic) connection will not disappear immediately, I think and hope.

Quote:
Originally Posted by poeticwatcher View Post
Just a long thought, how long have you & your husband been together? You mention not having sex with him in the past 5 years, would it possible that he is (could/would identify as) asexual?
Yes, maybe he is. But I don't know whether I want to put any effort in finding out. I think that's up to him.
I've tried to raise the sex issue many times without success. During our relationship, I basically changed my sexuality from being curious and relaxed to almost feeling ashamed of it. I had such a wonderful sex life before! And after some years it was all gone.

Sometimes I even feel angry about him. How could he do that to me? How could he treat me like this for such a long time?
And I am angry about myself. why didn't I see this earlier? Why did I just accept this development? Why didn't I stop this process in time? Well I guess it's because for about ten years, I hoped things would get better. But they didn't. So now I have to change something. And no, talking doesn't help, I finally realised that.
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  #15  
Old 06-20-2012, 10:49 AM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magenta View Post
Afaik, the idea about polyamory is that you can have an loving relationship to several people. The relationship to my husband is not romantic any more, nor sexual. But apart from the kids he is the most important person in my life. Even if I 'add' another one (and I tested this last year), his position might move slightly, but he still belongs to the important persons in my life. I don't know whether 'broken' is the right term.
We've been together for 13 years. Even with a large portion NRE, these years and our deep (platonic) connection will not disappear immediately, I think and hope.
His actions say he thinks the relationship is intact. His mouth might say, "Yeah, we're platonic now", but the restrictions placed on you scream "...and I don't want that!"

So in this case, if you want to have a loving relationship with more than him, in your home, without ferrying the kids back and forth, you're in for some serious counseling and discussing. Not that kids automatically do worse living out of two homes... but it's better if the parents are amicable enough to help them through that.
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  #16  
Old 06-25-2012, 11:47 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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My husband and I didn't have sex for three years. I kept hoping that would change, but neither one of us did anything about it except talk every now and then. But one day he asked for a divorce, and then moved out a few weeks later. I was devastated for a long time, but the truth is, we had become like roommates, in a friendship together, and that is not a marriage to me, not romantic, not satisfying, not what I'd hoped for when we got engaged. Since our split (we are separated but not officially divorced yet), I have been delighted to rediscover my sex drive and passion, and that I am still desirable to other men. My second relationship after my separation also reminded me of how orgasmic I am - I had lost connection to that part of myself and suddenly I was cumming more often and for more long-lasting orgasms than I realized was possible! And I am a natural flirt, and have been getting back to the person I was that was stifled by an unsatisfying lackluster marriage. We didn't have kids, but now I couldn't see us continuing the way we were for much longer than we did, and still try to stay together as friends cohabiting. The freedom you can have if you leave him will feel amazing and exhilarating, I think. If I were you, I would put your needs first and step out on your own. Even though I was supremely upset when my husband stepped out to be on his own, it was a blessing in disguise for me. Your husband also deserves more than what he's settling for, he just doesn't realize it yet.
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