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  #71  
Old 12-01-2009, 02:55 AM
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ladyjools ladyjools is offline
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we would like to have children,
i actually just had a baby 4 months ago that was born still, i would like to try again though the idea of it terrifys me at the moment,

we had decided to always be honest with our children about our life, no secrets, and R and C would be involved in the upbringing of any child regardless of who father was however the children would know who dad was but would have extra uncles, and maybe aunts,

i am paranoid because of my own abusive past about the chance my future children may be hurt and so i will have to have a lot of trust in any adults we have in our childrens lifes,

Jools
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  #72  
Old 12-01-2009, 08:30 AM
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I have a 6 year old. Much of his life is threaded through my stories and in sharing my life on here. Especially in the spring when I first came on here and in our recent coming out threads, if you care to look.

In a nut shell we went through discussing how to approach Mono staying over, me not being home at night sometimes, what to do about sleeping arrangements whilst camping and most recently about the threat of him being taken away and my parents accusing Mono of mistreating him.

It's been an interesting ride but now has settled into something like Rosevett talks about but on a smaller scale.

My boy knows that Mono is family and has asked that he be. He has welcomed him with loving arms and cherishes his presence in his life. Mono looks after him often, picks him up at school, watches cartoons with him in the morning, makes his food, showers him down before bed... all the stuff a parent would do. He does stuff with him that neither his Dad nor I are interested in and my boy LOVES that! It makes me very happy. They have plans together and if I spend too much time "hogging" Mono, I get into trouble.

I love that Mono leaves disciplining and decisions up to us. He discusses strategies when need be, but always respects that he is our child and it's our choice how things will be done. Mono has a 16 year old daughter so his experience has been invaluable.

I can't say enough that the more love a child gets the better. Spoiling them with more loving grown ups around them is by far the best that they can have. Why would we not want to give our kids the best?
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Last edited by redpepper; 12-01-2009 at 09:09 PM.
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  #73  
Old 12-01-2009, 05:02 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
...if I spend too much time "hogging" Mono, I get into trouble.
Priceless!
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  #74  
Old 12-02-2009, 08:07 AM
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In our main poly relationship years ago, our significant other had 3 kids, and we had one. She often babysat for us, and I walked her youngest to school every morning. I was there to meet the kids when they got home from school, and we watched TV or played games together. I read stories to all 4 of them every night. It was one big happy family, and I have to concur with the others that more adults makes for a better environment for the kids. There is more support, more love, etc. When it came to decisions, we made judgment calls about our one, and she made the decisions for her three. It ran pretty smoothly. Her kids' father was often over and we got along great with him. All in all, it was very harmonious. Too bad it didn't last forever.

Today, we still have a few honorary aunts & uncles. The kids know which aunts/uncles are related to them, and which are not. Some are here in town with us, and get together for holidays, while others just call on the phone or send gifts & cards to the kids. To them, it is really no different than having regular aunts & uncles. They know that some are Mommy's friends or Daddy's friends, or both.

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  #75  
Old 12-02-2009, 11:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweetheart View Post
Today, we still have a few honorary aunts & uncles. The kids know which aunts/uncles are related to them, and which are not. Some are here in town with us, and get together for holidays, while others just call on the phone or send gifts & cards to the kids. To them, it is really no different than having regular aunts & uncles. They know that some are Mommy's friends or Daddy's friends, or both.
Same here-our kids (well not Trin-she's only 2) know which ones are bio, step, adopted or just "friends" who were "so good at that job they got promoted" as we say. As well they know that GG is my boyfriend. But they aren't going to say "hey mom's bf..." Our oldest called him "nuncle" for years. She was not quite 2 when he came in the picture-but at that time he wasn't my bf either. He was "just a friend". Now she calls him by his first name with a "y" added. For some reason our family has this thing about adding "Y" as in the sounds "eeeee" to the end of every "special persons" name.
The younger kids flip between calling him by the same thing she does and calling him uncle except the baby-who calls him "my (first name+y)" which is adorable.

I think that kids are much more accepting in general and in a way-more self-centered. They want to be loved.They know it feels good from anyone. So they just want more and more and more. They aren't as choosy about WHO they get it from. Maybe because there isn't a sexual aspect to it-so some of the risks that come into play with us as adults aren't there for them. or maybe becuase they aren't as aware of the risks that are there?
Not sure. ... interesting thought.
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  #76  
Old 12-03-2009, 12:58 AM
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crisare crisare is offline
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I don't have kids and don't plan to, but my guy has 3 kids with his wife. They just knew me as "Miss C" (we live in the South and all adult women are Miss Firstname to be polite). I went on some family outings with them, babysat, spent time at their home, and they knew I was one of the adults who was "responsible", but we just didn't discuss the actual facts of poly.

Then again, they are 12, 10, and 5 - and the 12 year old has developmental/social issues that impact his understanding of relationships.

So .. maybe if we had stayed together as the kids got older and developed more of an understanding or had questions, it would have been more of an issue. For us it generally wasn't.
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  #77  
Old 12-26-2009, 04:39 AM
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Default Primary/Secondary Partnerships and Kids

So...

I have to admit that I'm still slightly taken aback by how this question comes about, both because it so oddly echos my personal experience and because it's actually NOT borne of my own head.

A few days ago, at a party for a mutual friend, this lady I know and like started chatting about polyamory. The conversation was very natural and enjoyable, though afterwards I wondered why she decided to chat with ME about this... Is there Poly-Dar?

Anyway. Among other things, one thing she mentioned was children. She's old enough to be worrying about her biological clock and complications surrounding said clock. And until recently, she's never considered having children. He partner never seemed to be a person she'd have children with, and she didn't see herself doing it alone.

But now that they're exploring poly, she's suddenly finding herself asking these questions. And it's become nagging for her.

My answer, even included in my introduction, has always been "Childless" (or childfree) but as my range of partners is opening up, I realize there are scenarios where I might very well feel the love and commitment that are the foundation of the security to have kids.

Please don't take that last line the wrong way. I love, and am committed to my wife. But... I don't know... There's a sense there, that's all.

I don't want to close this thread off, but I would like to highlight that I am asking a specific question about how children relate to certain types of poly dynamics, specifically the "primary"/"Secondary" dynamics.

Does anybody have any experience with this dynamic and the introduction of kids? I suppose I'm looking for a success story, but I'd like insight in any form it may come in. I'm also going to beg for forgiveness, since I've not actually asked a question, but this forum is full of smart folk and I trust you guys will toss out your reflections on the subject.
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  #78  
Old 12-26-2009, 04:41 AM
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Um...

NOT being snarky-but can you define what YOU mean by secondary?
I've noticed that there are some different interpretations.

I may have an answer for you-but want to be sure I'm on par with what you are trying to say first!
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  #79  
Old 12-26-2009, 04:49 AM
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DrunkenPorcupine DrunkenPorcupine is offline
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I'm not actually sure how I personally define it.

I share everything with my wife except for sex. She's my best friend, my emotional companion, someone who shares my life goals. We're financially bonded, and this seems especially relevant to this question given it's nature.

I LIVE with my wife, I don't like with anybody else.

I suppose that loose defintion is what I mean by "primary". I don't have fuck buddies. I love everyone that I love "the same". My love for one doesn't come before my love for the other, but I share certain aspects with one, my wife and "primary" more than I do with others.

Does that make sense?
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  #80  
Old 12-26-2009, 04:59 AM
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It does make sense.

So here is my story (very short version-but you can find more by looking through my first posts).


I am married (10 years).
I have a boyfriend who also lives with us. I've been friends with him for nearly 17 years.

I have a daughter (18 years) and my husband has a son (13 years) who we raise together, whose other parents are primarily uninvolved in the children's lives.
My husband and I also have a son (9 years) and we are raising our daughter (2 1/2 years). The daughter is biologically the child of myself and boyfriend. BUT we had her by way of artificial insemination prior to him being my boyfriend.

ALL of the kids, extended family etc know the details of biology for our children, but ALL the children know Maca and I as mom and dad. They all call my bf by his given name.

So.....
by some accounts bf would be a secondary.


We've lived together as a family unit for years, my sister who also lives with us as well.
We function as a family of 4 adults, but there are MANY details that are primarily shared by Maca and I (ownership of property/parenting legal rights for all children etc).

So in many ways my sister and BF are secondary, and yet ESPECIALLY for the kids sake-they function as additional primaries when it comes to raising kids (making rules, upholding rules, helping with rides, homework, scheduling etc). Both are listed as emergency contacts for ALL the kids on ALL paperwork and all four of us are capable of caring for any and all of the kids at any time and the kids are confident and comfortable with that...

So I guess-from that point, maybe a more specific question would give me an idea of what you are looking for informationally??
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