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  #1401  
Old 06-15-2012, 05:56 PM
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We just put LB's guinea pig, Wheekers Pistachio down. he wasn't eating and I was syringing water and mashed up pellets into him. The vet said his teeth weren't doing their job any more and that he was actually a very old little man. So LB and I decided to say goodbye. LB and I stayed home today from school and work so as to deal with our sadness. We brought him home from the SPCA (society for the prevention of cruelty to animals) as our guinea pig and it feels good that it was us that took him to say goodbye.

It amazes me how the affect of one small animal can change a person. I had a rat I loved just as much and several cats, dogs and other small animals that didn't effect my life as much. When my big brown tabby, Trevor goes I will be devistated. Yet not so much if my torteshell cat (now Dave's), Georgia goes. I love them, don't get me wrong, but some pets hold special places in my heart and I am deeply connected with them on a soul level.

So it goes with people to. Some are huge in terms of presence and influence and others not so much. This has been my reminder so far this last six months. This seems to be what goes around in my head more than anything. Everyone in my life has a place in my heart, yet some move me to believe that our soul purpose in life is to be together. Some are laughter and light. They move around me and through me in joy and fun, others move me to work at what we have. To sink deeply into them and them into me in order to create something profound and beyond the realm of what we know is reality. All of it is worth it.

Strangely enough I knew that Pistachio and I were connected when I first saw him. His brave little heart was aching for a good home (as were all of our pets hearts as they all come from shelters) and I committed to giving him the best. Never was a guinea pig taken care of as well as he. Anyone who knew him will attest to that. I am proud of his care and the home we gave him. He trusted us slowly but by the end of his life he was eager to be held and snuggled, would lye on his back to be pet, relaxed in our arms and felt completely safe. I want everyone in my life to feel that with me in their life. However big or small. I will keep at it and stay brave even in the face of the pain it sometimes brings.
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  #1402  
Old 06-15-2012, 06:19 PM
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Aww, sorry for your loss, RP. Perhaps you felt close to this pet even more so because you and LB picked him out and brought him home. I remember you once wrote in this thread how you were on the couch and balancing a bunch of stuff, picked up the guinea pig and somehow he peed right into your coffee cup. Hahahaha!

My cat is about 17 years old now. He's crazy but is really feeling his age, moans and groans whenever he tries to get comfortable. He sleeps so soundly he doesn't even wake up until I pet him, when he used to pop up all alert as soon as I walked in the door. I've had him since before his eyes opened (less than 10 days old), when his alley cat mother had abandoned him. He was always a little weirdo, with one of his big fangs much, much longer than the other, not very affectionate, somewhat brain-damaged, I think. But I will miss him when he goes.
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Last edited by nycindie; 06-15-2012 at 06:27 PM.
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  #1403  
Old 06-15-2012, 10:07 PM
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Ahhh, your 17 year old sounds like my Trevor nycindie. Its such a mixed blessing having pets. thanks for your story about your old guy. What's his name?
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  #1404  
Old 06-16-2012, 03:01 AM
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I had a guinea pig when I was a kid. She dies when I was 17, I was so sad... I remember, I went to pet her, put my hand into her house as I often did, and when I petted her I immediately knew something was wrong. I lifted up her house (I had made it with my dad, out of wood, she had been eating the doorway as she grew so she could fit through) and I saw that she was dead. Her eyes just looked different.

It was so sad, and yet it was a good death, she died old and in her own little house. I'm very sorry for your loss. My guinea pig was an albino, her name was Framboise, which means Raspberry in French.
I still have her ashes in a sweet little box with flowers on it. She was the first pet that was just mine, the other pets were household pets, they were everyone's, and as hard as it was when they died, it wasn't as personal.
Now I have three cats and two dogs, but out of them only one was really my pet, a cat I got when I was 19. I hope she lives a long time, I know I'll be devastated when she dies. Even though she can be so grumpy, and she keeps knocking things off my desk when I'm trying to work

You and LB have all my wishes. I know people often brush it off when they hear a pet dies, but it can be a very emotional time and I'm very sorry for you guys.
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  #1405  
Old 06-16-2012, 06:29 AM
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Thanks Tonberry. Thanks for your stories too
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  #1406  
Old 06-18-2012, 06:32 AM
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So there was a few upsets this week, but things have eased off a bit now that the woman Dave has been interested in has left town for quite some time. First of all I had a hard time with him coming home late from their last coffee "date" together. He said he was going to grocery shop near the place that they were having coffee and I thought he meant with her. He was late coming home because of it. It turned out that I had apparently got the time wrong. I thought he said "I will be home at 9.30" and he says he said "about 9.30" I dunno... anyyyy way...

He also got the store name confused and was at the store near our house and not the one near the coffee shop and he was not with her. It took me about a half hour to come down from all that and trust that he was telling me the truth, but I managed to because he buttered me up and attempted to cuddle into me. He was finally being affectionate and comforting without me having to ask for reassurance. I think because he has given it all a bunch of thinking time and is content to remain friends.

My communication skills were a bit better as I told him how I feel, but later launched into sarcasm and accusing. Its so hard to get it right when I feel threatened, fearful, that I am being lied to... I did better than I have so far though and that was good enough for me. Mono also gave me the feed back that I needed to work on it more.

He is more concerned now that he will lose his friendship with her because I am struggling than he is about being any closer. I can't help feeling that I am the cause of their sadness around not being able to hang out, text and email all the time. He says they are sad because they hurt me and that I am struggling, but I find it hard to let go of that.

I don't think he got it until recently that his keeping his connection with her secret could be seen as one way emotional cheating. He thought that he could keep it in, handle it and that it would all be okay as long as he didn't act on it. He might be right. I don't know. He didn't realize though that the way he has been behaving and talking has made this into something big and caused him to re-read his old posts here so that he can remember where he has been with the cheating thing. Remind himself about WHY I might be so concerned and troubled over this.

Later this past week I saw a photograph that indicated a computer screen of Mono's that had a stream of emails on it all from her. There was thread after thread of emails. I was astonished and fell right back again to no trusting him. He never saves emails, he has always erased them all after he has responded to the person. Saving hers was to me covetous of him. I wondered if its because he is holding on to words she has said to him privately, or words he has said privately. I remembered back to our emails and how private they are and envisioned similar messages.

It took me some time to let go of the image and to believe him when he said that it was his work email, not a secret account and that they are not filled with anything but banter and work stuff. I did point out that he usually doesn't save emails and that his behaviour is not that of a "friend." This is when he seemed to realize that I might see his behaviour as "like" cheating.

I got through it more quickly that before though and talked myself down from that place of being on the ceiling, lump in throat, the floor having fallen below me and that numb "stupid" feeling one gets with these sorts of trauma and threat. I am able to get to a place of trust more easily now than before because I have worked on separating myself from him more. I also did better in my communication and felt I made a little more headway there.

This weekend was a school camping trip I arranged for the kids and families of the school. I got our van on the road with much help from others. Especially my new friend.... who I will now call "Ken" as I am not thinking he is as "new" as he once was . Ken came to the rescue when I got half way there and the engine wouldn't turn over. He kindly came out and fixed it for me. Derby and I were pleased to be on our way after that. He came out to visit for a fire later in the evening. We have been getting along great after a really great coffee chat last week where we discussed that friendship is all we have right now and that that is enough. He would like more, but I explained that really, A good friend is what I am missing in life and what I am looking for in him.

My dating friend.... "Brad" and I haven't seen much of each other in the last while. We saw each other as families last weekend, but not privately. We are having coffee together this week and are all going to his place for a family bbq in a couple of weeks. I miss seeing him, but it turns out that both of us have had some stuff to work through and this time for ourselves has been much needed. We chat every day and phone each other sometimes. It seems to be keeping our relationship in good health thus far. I wonder what more will come. It will be an interesting weekend this weekend as he is about to meet some people from my past who don't know we are seeing each other. I don't know if they know and don't really care, but it makes me a bit nervous. This community is so small in the long run.

Derby has been deep in her emotions lately over a friend of hers. She was working on looking at her emotions and wouldn't you know it, she has had to work hard as of late. She is consumed with all that is going on for her in the last while and I haven't really heard to much from her. I have been contacting her every day though just to remind her that I am out here

Mono and I spent the day at a local music festival yesterday and had a really good time connecting and feeling free with the help of some really good music and beer tasting. We seem to be on a good track now and he is helpfully telling me whenever the woman contacts him. It has helped to not have to ask. It sounds silly to want to know, but I think, in time, we will get to the point where I won't care. Once I have caught up on what is going on and it all normalizes.

I saw one of her fb messages today and it said what he said it said. I saw it by mistake when I didn't realize he was logged in and I saw her name come up. It was an accident that I admitted to. I didn't read it but could see enough to know the content. Lots of explanation marks and the use of the term "retard." I am very much against that word being used to describe people due to my job with people who struggle with developmental and cognitive disabilities so I could feel myself burning up over it... but pushed that away for the better feeling of "yay, he isn't lying to me!"

Thinking about a funeral for a guinea pig this week Not fun, but we are all getting by. PN admitted that although he was against the little fellow to start with, he loved the guy and is sad he is gone. LB is just quiet and sad... he has had a good weekend with his friends though and that has helped a little. It was hard for him to come home to an empty cage and all his things put away. We talk of him often and are planning a ceremony soon.
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  #1407  
Old 06-18-2012, 05:26 PM
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I think the ceremony will be a good thing. I know some people are against bringing kids around when it comes to death and dying, but honestly in a lot of cases I don't think it does them any favours. It's important to have that time to say goodbye.

And look how far you've come! The spinning has slowed down a bit, I can see that. Sometimes it just takes time and reassurance for an eventual centering of self. I realize I'll need that myself for an upcoming event my SO and I are supposed to be going to.
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  #1408  
Old 06-18-2012, 05:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
My communication skills were a bit better as I told him how I feel, but later launched into sarcasm and accusing. Its so hard to get it right when I feel threatened, fearful, that I am being lied to... I did better than I have so far though and that was good enough for me.
WOW, this sounds familiar... too familiar. Those damn sarcastic comments just have a mind of their own.

Quote:
Mono also gave me the feed back that I needed to work on it more.
I hate hearing this too.

Quote:
I don't think he got it until recently that his keeping his connection with her secret could be seen as one way emotional cheating. He thought that he could keep it in, handle it and that it would all be okay as long as he didn't act on it.
This tends to be a typical "guy" thing. When my husband does this, there is a great deal of denial going on also. He doesn't want it to appear a certain way, therefore in his mind it doesn't. He can't understand why all my cheating alarms went off and I'm now an emotional wreck. I am learning to calm myself through my initial outrage, consciously decide to give him the benefit of the doubt and then approach him with my questions as well as calmly tell him that certain actions set off the cheating alarm,etc. It doesn't always work, but when it does, I feel better and he makes a greater effort to be more transparent. I still have a lot of work to do on my delivery .
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  #1409  
Old 06-18-2012, 08:34 PM
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Thanks both of you. I feel so much better when I get some grounding feed back that I am not alone and that time and process help.
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  #1410  
Old 06-24-2012, 06:19 AM
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The woman is gone now for a couple of months and life is getting back to "normal." Having had a chance to re-group I realize how much I need reassurance constantly, attention to my feelings, touches, eyes on me and gentleness. A bit of "words of affirmation" goes really far with me. Even if its not completely honest at the time in terms of the person feeling it. Faking it until you make it would be fine with me... I just don't want to know that is what it is... DADT on "words of affirmation" I guess that would be. I would be able to tell though anyway as I can tell if someone is genuine by the attention to detail they have in our interactions.

Mono is not so good at attention giving when we are struggling. He cocoons and decides that he will go it alone; almost getting to the point where he decides that it is best for everyone if he just ends everything and leaves because he doesn't want to hurt others or hurt him self any more. This is the exact opposite of what I need as the vacancy and distance creates more threat and fear for me. It makes me feel like I have no control over my destiny when he thinks like that. Where do I get to share in the decision to be done? How is it he thinks he can decide what and how much is too much for me?

He says that he is going to do what makes him more comfortable and what works for him best. I have to trust and realize that I have to look after my self in these matters and create my own reassurance etc. I think I did that really well actually during these last weeks. Better than in the past. The thing is it makes me unable to trust him. It makes me distance myself and become cocooned in my own thoughts and self preservation. Then we are suppose to somehow find each other in that? We seem to of done that however and are re-acquaintancing ourselves with each other again.

PN is off to a music festival this weekend and I have had some time to be with Mono and by myself. I had a bath last night and drank a large martini. It was HEAVENLY. Just heavenly. It felt like a large chunk of weighty worry and baggage feel off and went down the drain with the bath water.

On Monday morning I will wake up by myself and get myself to work by myself for the first time in 10 years. LB is going to his grandparents after I sing tomorrow in a local festival's main stage. I have the night with Mono and then a morning to my self. ahhhhh...

I watched derby's bout tonight with my dad, brother, Mono and LB. Her family was out also and we all went and had a bite to eat after. It was a fun night. My dad seemed to enjoy it, which was a surprise to me. He is up for much more than I believe him to be actually.

I haven't been keeping up here at all. Somehow the stories and chat are all too much for me right now. My strength has been gone. Its coming back slowly, but I don't want to use it up right now. The woman will be back again and what was boxed up could be brought out again... still working on not worrying about it or being so involved with their connecting with each other. I hope to get to place where the threat of his not telling me stuff is not as big an issue soon. Its coming.
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