New Poly - Feel like our relationship has ended

[fuchka]

she said she cant live with the guilt of her having this open relationship and me not.

This struck a chord for me, because I've experienced this guilt myself. I've got this other relationship, but partner #1 was still only with me. Ack, unbalanced! Would be so much easier (surely) if he found someone else too.

But I realised it was unfair to expect my partner to find a new partner himself, just to make it easier (both personally and socially) for me. If he didn't want to prioritise getting into new romantic relationships, as others have posted above, he had to be free to do so. Freedom of speech implies the freedom to be silent.

I don't think it's a fair expectation for your girlfriend to require you to be active in finding new partners. At the most, maybe she may need you to work on finding more of a balance of things to occupy your time, or alternative sources of friends/intimacy to support you so you aren't as needy on her (? if this is at all the problem). But it sounds like it's specific relationship-symmetry she's wanting, which is okay as a hope/dream but not as an instruction (in my opinion)

What you wrote reminded me of this thing that's hard to articulate... I've experienced it a little myself and noticed it perhaps from the outside in other people's relationships. When you're not sure of yourself, out on a limb a bit, hoping it'll work, you can get into 'fake it til you make it' mode. One example is putting on a smiley face in public, or lavishing slightly awkward / excessive physical affection onto partners. It's an uncertain reaching out, and can come across as superficial or disingenuous. Sex is one of these shows of affection that quickly loses its intimate magic if there are underlying hurts/fears that need to be discussed. You can't just voyage onwards using the steam of previous intimacy. You need to keep that fire in the engine room lit. Talk about what's going on. Touch each other with words a bit.

Good luck.

Oh, and, don't want to hijack this thread but you've mentioned Alice a lot I'm a bit of an Alice fan, and recently wrote a poem inspired by poly relationships. Thought I'd share with you x

alice as a lover

jump and i will catch you
or we will both fall
one below/beside the other

and if there's no floor
to this canyon we shall go on
descending through free air

grasping at the thicker roots
fumbling for the jars
of marmalade cos i've learned

my lesson my love
life's too short to be stuck
in someone else's bucket

<3