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  #51  
Old 06-11-2012, 12:56 PM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Ah, money woes. Carob hates his job, has done for all the time I've known him. It just makes ends meet for him, he can't really save on it.

One thing I forgot when moving here to be with S (and taking time off my job back home) was what this would mean about me being able to support Carob financially. I'm totally out of currency in my home country, like, bottom of the barrel skint. So when C is stressing about money I can't spot him any cash to tide him over.

And also.. not sure when we'll next get to see each other. I'm already borrowing some cash off Sugar to travel in Aug & Sept (road trip with a friend through the States! then sailing back from Vanuatu to my home city! So will see C then at least, but... I would love to make it before that)

Currently scraping together a bit of cash with flexible work but my personal focus at the moment is to advance various creative projects of mine. I don't usually get as much freedom to do this as I have at the moment and it's very good. I kind of want to make the most of it.

Been helping C with his CV. His current plan is to find better work in our home city... hope he manages to do that. But if not, I'm going to suggest he look for work here. S & I may be based here til April next year, or (who knows) maybe longer. Don't expect to be but it's really hard to tell how things will unfold.

Haven't had much chance to chat with Ella. Skype'd once last week and chatted on the weekend. Talked with her a wee bit today, but then she said "I heard from C that you're coming here before your trip?" (That's not our current plan; it's C's turn to visit this time and I'm hoping he'll come here cos I'd rather stay here til I leave rather than detour before my travels. Our fall-back plan is that I try visit him on the way overseas)

This was a bit triggering for me, I felt like he'd decided he wasn't going to come see me and hadn't told me about it. I guess I'm more sensitive about these things from a distance. Nigh impossible to get the dynamics between the three of us (Carob, Ella and I) feeling good without physically being there in person.

Luckily I was chatting with Carob soon afterwards and I brought this up. He said "bub, I want to visit but I just don't know if I can afford it". He's really stressed and upset about money things right now, poor dude. Yeah, wish I could help him more. This is something I'd love to work on for the future. Sugar & I have a good thing going on, we share finances and have really similar goals and values in terms of communal living and earning. Not sure how into all that C feels... in a fairly informal way we have supported each other but it hasn't been fully intertwined yet the way it is with S and me.

In other news, Sugar and I going to local poly group discussion thing tomorrow. Looking forward to it.
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  #52  
Old 06-11-2012, 02:28 PM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Ok, just booked tickets to see Carob (and Ella, briefly) end July, before I go to the States. Ella's heading away for a month round then so will catch her for a couple of days only. Hopefully will get out of town with Carob for a bit of it. In a couple of weeks will be three years since C & I got together. Will be nice to celebrate with a trip out of the city somewhere.

Last year for our anniversary we stayed in this hut and watched the LoTR trilogy by the fireplace. (Carob is really awesome with making fire, mm, one of his passions it seems) At that time we dreamt of coming back again and maybe watching some other epic marathon, like Harry Potter. I haven't seen any of the movies and only read one book so will be cool if we manage it.

Anyway, happy there's a date to look forward to. Mm, countdowns
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  #53  
Old 06-11-2012, 08:55 PM
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Money woes, same here (still)... Can make a person very tired.


But it's good you are able to visit! And you have totally the right ideas about spending time, with movies and closeness.
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  #54  
Old 06-12-2012, 12:48 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rory View Post
Money woes, same here (still)... Can make a person very tired.
Yup, definitely, and also other things are harder to talk about. When you're under or on that financial baseline it's not much fun.

Quote:
But it's good you are able to visit!
Yeah, I asked S if he didn't mind if I detoured... was just a bit extra for flights. He seemed surprised it would even be an issue. I feel strangely awkward about things like this, not earning at the moment, and getting S to pay for me to see Carob. Maybe it's a hangover of feeling like this second relationship is something I should feel guilty about.

On the other hand, if I hadn't moved here to keep S company I wouldn't have this issue so I guess it all works out.

And it's not like I'm taking him for granted. In fact I feel so so deeply grateful. Definitely not keen to erode one healthy relationship for the sake of another, but this feels right, nourishing both ways.

Thanks for your comments rory. Funny how you all are going through similar stresses! It's nice to feel connected even from the other side of the world.

[Hehe, I just realised I've been disinclined to use Sugar for S recently, talking about money things. A couple of people have been teasing me about him being my sugardaddy! Mm. I started off with Sage which I like but it's also the nick of another person on this forum. So I'm gonna go with Sago from now. Hope it's not too confusing. Or at least, no more so than usual Ha]

Last edited by fuchka; 06-12-2012 at 12:51 AM.
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  #55  
Old 06-12-2012, 08:22 AM
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Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
Thanks for your comments rory. Funny how you all are going through similar stresses! It's nice to feel connected even from the other side of the world.
True! Hugs to you.
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  #56  
Old 06-13-2012, 11:09 AM
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Poly group meet-up yesterday was cool. Interesting, diverse bunch as usual and I was really happy to have Sago there with me. His first time at a local poly thing here (my third) and he seemed to like it. The discussion was more political than usual, some debate over the same-sex marriage lobby and how that relates to poly, whether it's problematic that the argument is often advanced in a way that appeals to mainstream (i.e. we're the good, monogamous kind of gay), whether people feel like poly-activism directly (banner waving) or just simply living out their lives, whether in fact it's more important to keep a low profile legally rather than draw attention to poly (i.e. keep the law off your back, esp with family law matters).

First half is whole group discussion and then you break into small groups for more personal questions. I raised a thought I've been having recently - how I relate to Ella. I like her, I care about her, loved our sex, conversation... Yeah this is a relationship I'm glad I'm in and it would be cool to get to know her more.

But but but I still think of her as Carob's girlfriend primarily. He's still figuring out how he feels about her, and they're finding their feet together. I don't really want to get in the way of that, in particular making things messy if I'm into it and Carob isn't. I'd rather leave space enough for them to go either way.

This means an uncharacteristic kind of caution for me, and I have wondered if I'm doing right by Ella, simply picking the safer path. Whether I should dive in and - fuck it - see how it goes. However, I feel there's a possible train wreckage that way. I'd like to be able to care for her no matter what happens between her and Carob. And likewise care for Carob. This requires a bit of distance...

Luckily, I got oodles of physical distance I've been keeping things low-key with Ella, regulating my emotions, taking it easy... It's felt right. Guess risky is not always the smart option.

Someone else in my small group shared a similar experience, where she'd gone all in. Apparently train wreck did ensue, badness between the guy and the other girl, she and he stayed together and the third person broke up with both of them. Not that break ups are always a failure but I'd rather give relationships the best chance possible to grow into what they could be, I mean, that's the point of seeding them in the first place ne?

Next post I'm gonna have to deal to some of those stories in that over-the-top chart I made Whoops.
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  #57  
Old 06-16-2012, 08:59 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Default Side saga

Time for another friends/lovers story from the admittedly excessive chart I included in my blog here

Drew is a friend of Carob's and mine. Actually I met Drew first, over a decade ago, at a party at a mutual friend's place. I didn't know at the time that C was another flatmate. He was at the party too... Yet another missed connection with him. Guess living in a small-ish city with relatively intertwined circles, you pass people a lot just beyond your peripheries before you meet them properly.

A funny moment with Drew soon after Sago and I got together. The three of us (Drew, Sago and me) were sitting outside a pub drinking a beer together, and Drew said "so what, are you two boyfriend and girlfriend now?" At the same time, S said "yes" and I said "no"... hehe... Then we said "ah, I guess we need to talk about this". Hilarious.

When Drew found out that Carob and I had hooked up, he was (and actually still is, I think) against it. He is still friends and doesn't really voice his opinion unless you ask him (which is probably why we can still socialise alright with him) but at various times (mostly to C) he's said things like Sago and I having a "sham marriage", that we're fooling ourselves, that this can't actually be right. He's fine with us doing whatever with our lives, but he sees us waking up to reality at some point and admitting that he was right.

Well, Drew is married to Olive who I've since gotten to know more and am friends with. Apparently Olive found out that D had cheated on her with another friend's (Antonin's) ex-girlfriend. So... they made this deal giving Olive five 'free passes' (considering Drew cheated five times) with someone else. And to add to the perfect symmetry (I find this all quite twisted by the way), Drew suggested that Olive have sex with Antonin.

We-ell... this all happened, however Olive committed the cardinal sin of writing flirty e-mails with Antonin while she co-ordinated her five free fucks. Drew found out, and felt like O had cheated on him by getting emotionally invested rather than just having sex.

Olive's told me that while she and Antonin were doing their thing, she really enjoyed her relationship with Drew. She would like if things could have continued, but she really doesn't see this as possible since Drew is very monogamous in outlook.

Meanwhile, Drew is really pissed off with Antonin to the point that we can't invite them both to the same social occasion. He's on the brink of Olive breaking up with him (oh they have a kid too, a real cutie!) because he is unwilling to entertain the possibility that their relationship may work out healthier (and be actually possible / sustainable) if he was open to O being with other people.

All this is fine (well, relationships may have to end over it, but it's all fair enough) apart from... Drew is not really the monogamous type in the way he behaves. He tried to hook up with me when he and Olive had just got together. O knows he rolls like this and she understands him... well... ah, who knows. The point of this tale is not to speculate about their lives

It was more that - this shit is tangly! And it's bizarre watching it unfold given Drew's long-standing objection to Sago, Carob and me being a viable way to grow a relationship.

It's hard to know how to be good friends to them all at the moment, i.e. how to be supportive of people when what each of them wants may not be compatible with the other. Just trying to be especially caring at the moment, a sounding board if need be. Not taking sides, keeping communication open etc etc.

Another point - Olive has made out with me a few times at parties and such - recently she told me that Drew wouldn't be happy about it (?!) Ah man, I wish people wouldn't do things that are breaking the rules with their partners. At least not do them with me. Maybe I should be more vigilant about this. (I actually have started to be after a few unintentionally bad experiences with friends. Whoops)

Well enough of that Saga. One more tale and we've made it through the whole chart. Yay
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  #58  
Old 06-17-2012, 05:57 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Went out to a house party last night with S, was fun. Almost 100% people I didn't know. Enjoyed socialising. Was a place with a decent backyard and I spent a bit of time by myself gazing at the stars.

A childhood friend of Sago's is in town, so S went out with him today while I kept to myself. A few domestic tasks, working away at some things I'm making, read AnnabelMoore's amazing fanfic and Skyped briefly with Carob. He's in the zone with his own projects at the moment, so didn't have time to chat for very long. Turned down videosexing! Woah. So no relief there, ah well. Luckily I can tend to my own needs. When C is really into what he's working on, he gets a bit single-minded. Sago is like that too. At the poly thing we went to, I joked to someone that S's primary relationship is with his research interests!

I guess I'm not too different. Keep myself busy on things I value. Of course I value relationships but when I'm on the scent of something good, I like not being distracted from my task.

(This includes during sex, hehe. Apparently I'm savage! So says Carob, Ella... and a few ex-lovers concurred. Sago didn't get what they meant, but then again neither did I really so that makes two of us. Something to do with knowing what I want and being upfront about it (says an ex). Interesting. In response, I was going to say "it's not like I'm going to eat you" but that's not entirely true...)

Last edited by fuchka; 06-17-2012 at 01:29 PM.
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  #59  
Old 06-17-2012, 02:02 PM
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Just censored this blog for the first time. I'd written something rough to summarise something Carob told me about how he was feeling. Something like: "C and Ella a bit so-so. He said he's been resenting spending time with her. I suggested it's maybe because when he is really into what he's working on, he gets a bit single-minded."

At the time when I wrote this (in previous post) I wasn't quite sure if I should put it that way, given it's about C & Ella's relationship and pretty flippantly phrased. But I thought - I've got the basic gist of things across, don't want to spend ages rephrasing my personal blog. It's good enough, post it, move on.

Then recently Ella replied to my e-mail to her, linking to the aforementioned fanfic. I had told her it was written by a person whose blog I follow. So she asked for the link to the blog. Which, mm, would likely lead her to this blog. I could ask her please not to read my blog but (a) I'm not sure I want to request that restriction and (b) I can't be sure whether, for example if she's feeling confused/frustrated about something, she won't go ahead and read it anyway. Impulses happen, especially if you're upset. I kinda don't want to worry about those sorts of things.

This is typical of me. I don't often think things all the way through in advance, I can't seem to traverse the possibilities. I prefer to take baby steps and trust I can figure it out along the way.

So, I suppose the point is: do I want any of my lovers reading my blog? Not sure. Well. It's more like: I wouldn't want to tell them not to. I think I'd rather have an environment of trust, that they take whatever I've written with a pinch of salt... It's not necessarily well-edited, it might be poorly phrased... If something you read upsets or confuses you, please talk with me about it. This is a blog that's been helpful for me to unravel and chronicle my own thoughts & experiences re: relationships... I don't want to censor but I also don't want to hurt you. I love you. That's all
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  #60  
Old 06-17-2012, 05:10 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Grain of Salt.

I totally hear that. Sync found my blog some time ago, and it was Not Pretty. I was using it as a place to sort through some pretty twisty/tricky emotions, and without that (generous) pinch of salt it most definitely hurt her feelings to hear that whole side of my process. I dunno, I think that there is something to be said for having private space to sound out your feelings in a community of relative strangers. I've had both of my bois ask if they can read my blog, and I have said that it's my space.... part of me would love to have them know my process, but at the same time I feel like I'd lose a little bit of my feeling of freedom that I have when expressing myself! Would love to hear what you decide.
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