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  #221  
Old 05-21-2012, 08:51 PM
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Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
"I feel glad that whatever form this takes, it's only restricted by us and what we want." - I really like this feeling when I'm relating to someone

Ah, the missing. I feel your pain For us, hopefully will be just under a year before we're all back in the same city again.

Hang in there x
Thanks for the comment, fuchka! I really like the feeling, too.

Yeah, you know what we're talking about with the missing and LDRs. You hang in there as well!
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  #222  
Old 05-26-2012, 11:55 AM
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fuchka thank you <3

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However, I think I'll skip reading poly stuff elsewhere for a while. When first becoming poly, I found so many useful and interesting things, but lately I've felt like I'm putting energy into things that aren't giving as much. First I got huge practical use out of what I read and processed, but now I feel that I've internalised most of what I feel is beneficial, and I want to concentrate on living only.
This has been working well. Actually, I've enjoyed rechanneling my energy and getting excited about something else for a change. I've read quite a bit about kink, and will probably continue at that for a while. Though while reading about kink it is unavoidable to stumble across some poly posts once in a while, since there's a bit of overlap. Or should I say, there's a correlation between alternative relationship styles and openness other kind of alternative relationship styles, not surprisingly. And generally openness is a quality that I will find interesting in a person, so the texts I end up reading are often written by persons who are open to different things. Yet, I've felt a bit weary when reading about heavy-duty relationship stuff, and more energy towards other subjects, so this confirms that it's time for a break from more extensive reading about it.

I think my exhaustion has something to do with poly-norms. They are not something tangible, and they are constantly negotiated. Yet, reading people's views about what poly should be like and what relationships should be like, or simply descriptions of how relationships work for them, has some kind of effect. I think for a long time it has been a positive effect: it has caused me to reflect on what I want in relation to that - "yes for me that similar independence is important but no, I would like to have relationship with this form of intimacy instead of that, etc.". I think that has helped me to figure out many things about what I want. However, now I think reading more feels a bit more constraining than liberating. There are various frameworks through which people understand their relationships, but I guess it is time for me to move beyond reflection, and process more through my own, unique framework of understanding. Not because it's better, but because it suits me just like other people's suit them. Obviously my view will have loads of similarities with other people's, and differences, too, and I enjoy finding those out. It just somehow feels like I have to take the time and space for it to continue forming with less reflection for a while.

I have absolutely no idea if any of that makes any sense at all. Anyway, I wanted to write about that regardless. I feel good and satisfied, I'm in a good place with myself and my life, including my relationships. Right now I feel no anxiety about future, poly-wise. The whole "not being enough" -fear that I've had a long time; it is gone. At least for now. I am what I am, I will choose what kind of things I want to pursue, and what I want to put my time and energy into, in life. That includes people I love in the ways they want to be a part of it and I want them to be a part of it. Somehow it all feel simple. There's some social conditioning I've managed to shed off, because it now feels simpler than it used to.
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Last edited by rory; 05-26-2012 at 12:00 PM.
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  #223  
Old 05-26-2012, 01:09 PM
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I made a plan with Alec to talk about sex every week. There's a reminder about it in his phone. I feel that our sex life needs regular discussions for maintenance, and those don't seem to happen on their own, so now we're trying this. I'm very happy about this plan.
Oh, update! This has been working very well so far. Although his phone proved unreliable, so we switched the reminder to my phone. It hasn't been long, of course, but so far I am very happy. The discussions haven't been super-long, and they haven't had any specific agenda. Both of us simply have said whatever came to mind at the time. But it does so much. At least to me it feels actually easier to talk about sex at other times, too, when it is happening regularly. I don't feel as vulnerable about expressing my desires, since it is not only when there's a pressing need but more casually. Very good!
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  #224  
Old 05-27-2012, 02:35 AM
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I found your commitment to talk about sex interesting, and glad to hear it's working out. Sugar and I have gone through patches of talking about sex a lot... But it often gets too much too much. Almost like shining a light on it makes it all the more awkward, all the more difficult to relax when we're in the mood to fuck. We've gotten too cerebral, and we need some solid non-sexual sensations to ease up.

It's a bit like me with sleep... When I've had trouble sleeping, the insomnia sometimes gets reinforced by my own excitement when I feel sleepy. E.g. I haven't slept well for days, now I'm finally drowsy, I can feel a good sleep coming on, yayayayay SLEEP!, oh fuck now I'm too awake to sleep anymore
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  #225  
Old 05-29-2012, 12:12 PM
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I just came back from a holiday with friends. It was great, I really enjoyed it! One of the friends I traveled with is the one who introduced me to Bob years ago. She's one of my closest friends and she and Bob are also really good friends. She is just an amazing person! She is mono herself but I have a feeling she really truly understands me, and even more importantly, wants to understand. So she asks questions and really tries to get inside my head and I think it's awesome. The situation between me and Bob was a bit confusing for her in the beginning but she got over it very quickly. Now she teases me about him quite often, which is cool. If we can joke about it, I think it says that it's not awkward for her, it's not a taboo or anything. And we can talk about it seriously as well, so I think we're okay with the subject. During the holiday we had a great conversation about my feelings and how I see this situation which is inevitably temporary. At first she had some difficulties wrapping her mind around the concept of being involved with someone knowing that it's going to end soon. I told her it took me some processing too, but after processing I really feel like I want to enjoy life now and let my emotions flow freely and not worry about the future that I'm not going to have with Bob. At some point she said something that made me cry because at that moment I felt like she really understood me. It was something about two ships passing in the night and stopping for a moment (in our case a few months) to enjoy each other's company and then continuing their journey onwards, which can also be a beautiful thing and a nice memory to think about afterwards. Exactly!

I'm missing rory quite intensely at the moment because we haven't spoken in 5 days now. We have a skype date tomorrow which is great. I'm also going to see her in 10 days so that's not too bad anymore. I'm really looking forward to it! I really want to reconnect with her.

Me and JJ are going through a kind of a rough patch right now. Things are not perfect. Our problems have nothing to do with poly though. I'm just not sure if our lives are going to the same direction. We might want too different kinds of things from life to be able to fit them all in a live-in partnership. Trust is also still an issue for me and I'm not sure when it's coming back. I don't know, time will tell I guess.
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  #226  
Old 06-03-2012, 10:08 PM
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I had a good looong skype conversation with rory today. It was really nice and I also felt more connected to her than I have felt for a while now because we haven't been able to talk as much as we would've needed. So today's call was really beneficial. And only 5 days until we get to see each other again! <3 It's been a tough 2 months being apart.

When talking to rory I realised some things about my own thought patterns that I hadn't really challenged before and I now realised that maybe I should. I keep saying that I don't want a relationship with Bob. That is still true but why do I keep repeating it, why do I want to convince everybody that that's the way it is? I think it's mainly me who needs convincing. I've said quite a few times that I don't want a third partner, way before any real possibilities even came to be. Somehow because I've said this many times during the time I've been with rory, I feel like I've made a promise or something. Which I actually haven't. In the very first message of this blog I wrote "All of us are open to the idea of more partners so we're not poly-fi. Although the husbands aren't looking for anyone and neither are me and rory, but it's not forbidden either. I think at the moment we're all happy with the current situation, but never say never."

Because I apparently subconsciously feel like I can't change my mind about the number of partners, I've made very little time to be with Bob. I've tried to not let it take too much away from my existing relationships or anything else in my life. If I took more time to be with him, it would be too much like a relationship and I've told so many times I don't want that, right? So you know how I make time to see Bob? I sleep less. I'm not even kidding. When I see him, I go to his place late in the evening when JJ is already asleep and I still have to usually wake up early enough to do other things like work or have a skype call. So when I spend the night at his place, I sleep like 3-5 hours those nights. Well not always, but I don't really like this pattern. I mean I don't like the fact that I feel like I have to put him at the bottom of my priority list. And it's not like anybody has told me I have to do that! It's my own mind doing that. Well maybe Bob's mind a little, too. He once said that even though he is interested in seeing me, he wants me to contact him when I feel like seeing him, because I'm the one with the husband, girlfriend and a busy life so he doesn't want to ask me. He has one LDR so he has more free time than me. So he is also contributing to the feeling of me having to put everything else before him. But I think I need to reconsider this thought pattern. He is also my friend so why shouldn't I take the time to see him like I do to my other friends?
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  #227  
Old 06-06-2012, 10:09 AM
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I'm feeling super emotional right now. I guess this is one of those times that polyamory is making life more complicated. I'm feeling sad, hopeless, worried, excited, content, loved, secure, obsessive, giddy and don't-know-what-I'm-doing. I feel like laughing and crying at the same time. I feel like I'm in totally different places in all my relationships, one is going up and down all the time, other is staying stable and the third one is going up, it's a damn rollercoaster! My head is a mess right now. All I know for sure is that I'm really happy to see rory soon, she is my rock.
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  #228  
Old 06-06-2012, 07:29 PM
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fuchka for me and Alec I guess it doesn't become too focused on sex even with the regular chats, because both of us are a bit of the type to fall into everything that's going on in life that we sort of forget to think about sex. Sometimes there's then the urge to have sex, as a reminder, but the urge to talk about it doesn't happen that way unless there's something specific, and that's why the talking-date is working, I think.

--

Aw, apparently I rock! <3

I am so totally looking forward to us meeting also. Two months is just too damn long. These past few weeks in particular (with all other life getting in the way of skyping, too) it's been a pretty much continuous ache, which I don't appreciate at all and don't really usually experience. It's just a feeling of not being able to connect properly, but also feeling the disconnect more stronly because of it having been so long since we last met. Well, it's day after tomorrow, finally!!

It's actually been quite a long time since I've had the live-in-hinge duty. Well, it's also been a time since I've had the benefits, so can't complain.
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  #229  
Old 06-17-2012, 08:05 AM
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Mya visited here, finally. It was really good to see her.

I do need to write about stuff, but it will be somewhat incoherent, sorry. All of us have much going on at the moment, and not all pleasant. Mya has written a bit about her stuff. In my end, Alec finally came to the decision that he cannot stay in the job he has. He has been so miserable, and I totally support him. Then again, our finances have been quite uncertain as it has been, so the consequences of him quitting cannot really be foreseen.

Basically, me and Mya had already had quite a few emotional conversations during her stay (important things to talk about but pretty heavy). Then I got the news from Alec, and I crossed into a slight panic about the future. Heavy talks follow with Alec. There was this one day in particular when I was needed for support by both of my partners, and by the afternoon I was feeling more exhausted than in a long time. I felt like I had no more to give. I needed some time for myself. I wanted to go to my own room and be alone, but there wasn't really space for that in our one bedroom apartment. So I made a plan to go for a walk after eating. That morphed into Alec taking a nap so that I would have that room for myself to read. I don't think it was much more than half an hour, but it helped me feel more grounded. After that Alec started gaming with a friend of his (which was good since he was able to talk with him for a bit). I went to hang out with Mya. I read a bit more, and then we talked but agreed to keep it light for the rest of the day, since I felt like I had no energy for more heavy talks. That was good.

So, not the happiest visit ever. I had looked forward to all the enjoyable connecting and hot sex and everything. Well, some of that happened, too, and was truly lovely. Yet, I felt somewhat disappointed about the fact that neither of us really had much energy for that. However, I do think that is how life is, and that is a part of being partners. And it's not like having heavy talks isn't connecting, too. It's probably due to having had such a long time since we last met, that I would have had more need for that, and it left me aching a bit. Oh well, maybe we'll both be in a better mental space next month when I go visit Mya and JJ.

One thing that I am happy about is the whole comfort I experienced with me and Mya and Alec. I'll try to explain that. There were a few days when none of us were feeling like we had a lot to give. We didn't hang out a lot in a group, and some meals were eaten in silence. Can't say any of us felt very happy. Yet, it wasn't awkward or uncomfortable. It was just how things were. I feel there is something that shows - I don't know - intimacy, comfort, family when people can hang out together without trying to seem happier than they are actually feeling.
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  #230  
Old 06-17-2012, 08:24 AM
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In my end, Alec finally came to the decision that he cannot stay in the job he has. He has been so miserable, and I totally support him. Then again, our finances have been quite uncertain as it has been, so the consequences of him quitting cannot really be foreseen.

[...] I got the news from Alec, and I crossed into a slight panic about the future.
So know what you are going through there. It has been like this for us more than one time even though we never had to face the fact that Sward really didn't want to continue in his job. Things are better now, but there is nothing more draining than a job, you need to do every day after day after day without any sign of improvement, without the slightest bit of joy you are able to take in the thing you are doing.

Even though this will be a time of adjustment and maybe some hard times financially or in regard to a feeling of safety missing in your everyday life for now, you will be glad you took this step as soon as he found something to really be satisfied with job-wise. Hugs to you and Alec for facing this rough truth.

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Heavy talks follow with Alec. There was this one day in particular when I was needed for support by both of my partners, and by the afternoon I was feeling more exhausted than in a long time. I felt like I had no more to give.

[...] I had looked forward to all the enjoyable connecting and hot sex and everything. Well, some of that happened, too, and was truly lovely. Yet, I felt somewhat disappointed about the fact that neither of us really had much energy for that. However, I do think that is how life is, and that is a part of being partners. And it's not like having heavy talks isn't connecting, too. It's probably due to having had such a long time since we last met, that I would have had more need for that, and it left me aching a bit.
I think that you are absolutely right, this is what being partners is about. I personally feel so taken care of, connected, protected and assured when times like that are over. Assured by the firm knowledge that those people will be in my life despite some hardship and trouble. That they are there to stay for good and that they are able to get something out of this in the 'not so great' times as well as be a pillar of support for me. That is what commitment is about for me.

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One thing that I am happy about is the whole comfort I experienced with me and Mya and Alec. I'll try to explain that. There were a few days when none of us were feeling like we had a lot to give. We didn't hang out a lot in a group, and some meals were eaten in silence. Can't say any of us felt very happy. Yet, it wasn't awkward or uncomfortable. It was just how things were. I feel there is something that shows - I don't know - intimacy, comfort, family when people can hang out together without trying to seem happier than they are actually feeling.
Exactly. There is beauty in silence if you are with the right person. I always felt this to be true and a sign for me who really is comfortable just being by my side. I often have a hard time 'letting go' in regard to control. But don't have to be controlled next to the people who should know you best. It seems that all of you are doing pretty well. I hope things will easy up again and as soon as possible. Wishing you luck.
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