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  #31  
Old 06-13-2012, 06:25 PM
FigNewtonian FigNewtonian is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit ....you're sounding more and more poly....might as well embrace it. ....phig Fig with a ph might just stick too.
I pick up lingo really quickly it's why I can use the word "agency" and "privilege" around Babs and still maintain a neutral expression.
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  #32  
Old 06-14-2012, 04:19 AM
Pretzels Pretzels is offline
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Fig and Blythe and Wife (to be named later?), interesting situation you find yourselves in. Talk a lot, figure things out before you take action and talk afterwards. Communication is beyond key.

Also, it sounds like, to me, you've got some situational polyamory going on akin to the arrangement I've found myself in with my guys. Would you go poly with any other people than the people you know? Would you seek out a similar arrangement in the future if this one doesn't work? If you answered "no" to both those, you might just be in a "situational polyamory" thing. Just don't let people who "don't like labels put on us by society" label ya. What works for you is what works for you as long as it works for you.

That said, I've been endlessly fascinated by the discussion of asexuality here. I know it's not really the place or the people who know it best, but it's interesting reading about it being a broader spectrum than I would have suspected.

Oh, and don't sweat the whole closed-loop aspect of the relationship that you're proposing. I'm not poly and neither are the two men with whom I'm in a relationship. I had a little more experience in proposing our relationship at its inception because of a previous poly man I dated, so I had some insight into what I was and was not comfortable with.

Sure, some people can look at closed-loop situations as depriving all partners of the chance to seek out as many other partners to love as they want. However, the glass can be half full as well.

By choosing to focus on each other, we've gotten to know each other's strengths and weaknesses really well. We're also forced, for better or for worse, to deal with the real big things - jealousy, different relationship demands, sharing, etc. - more immediately than if a disgruntled member just dodged the issue by spending more time with a partner outside of the three of us. (Some poly folks will say this doesn't happen, but my first dip into being around poly folks was as the path of least resistance for someone. Well, at least at first.) Is it a model for everyone? No, but it can exist without being suffocating or demanding. And, in our situation, it works fairly well. It may for you three, too.

Anyhow, good luck and keep us posted. Sounds like you three have left the map in a big way, but that doesn't mean you've automatically landed in "here be monsters."
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  #33  
Old 06-14-2012, 02:21 PM
FigNewtonian FigNewtonian is offline
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Originally Posted by Pretzels View Post
Also, it sounds like, to me, you've got some situational polyamory going on akin to the arrangement I've found myself in with my guys. Would you go poly with any other people than the people you know? Would you seek out a similar arrangement in the future if this one doesn't work? If you answered "no" to both those, you might just be in a "situational polyamory" thing. Just don't let people who "don't like labels put on us by society" label ya. What works for you is what works for you as long as it works for you.
This is exactly how I feel this is entirely situational. I don't want to add anyone else and I can't imagine pursuing this again should the dynamics change. It's a situation that works, and not because something innate in me, but because of how wonderful/amazing the two women are.

There's a lot of talk about being wired for poly or being naturally poly and I don't think I'm either of those things. Am I capable of maintaining two romantic relationships without diminishing either? Yes.

I don't think that makes me poly anymore than being able to play the two notes for Jaws on the piano makes me a pianist.

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Originally Posted by Pretzels View Post
That said, I've been endlessly fascinated by the discussion of asexuality here. I know it's not really the place or the people who know it best, but it's interesting reading about it being a broader spectrum than I would have suspected.
I've been doing research and reading for months on it and as interesting as the spectrum is, it's reading how people come to grips with and struggle with understanding concepts that sexual people take for granted, that has really amazed me.

If you want to know more, I'd suggest http://www.asexuality.org/en/ and that's my Levar Burton Reading Rainbow moment of the day.
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  #34  
Old 06-15-2012, 03:55 AM
Autumn Autumn is offline
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I am equally interested in both your perspectives. But yes my position is like FN. And, like you all,my partner and I would have likely remained monogamous had things been different. Being monogamous (actually mostly celibate monogamy) was what I chose for more than 10 years now. But apart from being a new possibility for us, I am so impressed by the love, ethics and personal insight practiced by poly people.

Babs how great to hear you are feeling totally *zen* about his time with his wife. And FN, I am already beginning to appreciate the bit about 'be prepared to do the work'.

I do have lots of questions but suspect they may be premature and will have to see how things develop. I wonder if you see one as being primary ( is that language helpful?), if FN still sexually desires his wife or if that has changed (I am assuming some shared feelings from years of being unwanted) has FN revisited any issues of grief and loss seeing things be so different, what do you plan to tell our son & family, and practical things like Christmas and holidays.

And yes I have spent time on AVEN,mostly reading & it has helped understand so much.
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  #35  
Old 06-15-2012, 03:34 PM
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blytheandbonny blytheandbonny is offline
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Babs how great to hear you are feeling totally *zen* about his time with his wife. And FN, I am already beginning to appreciate the bit about 'be prepared to do the work'.
Yes, zen this week. Who knows what will happen tomorrow, next month, whenever. I am susceptible to dementors swirling around me, amplifying all of my insecurities, and they can hit at any time. (Sorry for the Harry Potter reference! Best analogy I have though.)

Quote:
I do have lots of questions but suspect they may be premature and will have to see how things develop. I wonder if you see one as being primary ( is that language helpful?), if FN still sexually desires his wife or if that has changed (I am assuming some shared feelings from years of being unwanted) has FN revisited any issues of grief and loss seeing things be so different, what do you plan to tell our son & family, and practical things like Christmas and holidays.

I suspect this paragraph is intended for FN's replies, but here's my perspective. Primary/secondary means entirely different things to each of the three of us - so it's not necessarily meaningful if we're not using the same vocabulary. What defines those words, practically? Is it amount of time spent with each of us? Is it a comment on length of history? Shared resources? Future plans/hopes? I suspect this is different for each group, depending on their own variables.

In our situation, I feel like we're limited in the time we can spend with each other by environmental factors (we live in different towns and I want to move v e r y slowly where their son is concerned.) Our history is 6 months. We do not share resources other than time. We do share future hopes. We do chat/text/talk constantly during waking hours. With his wife, he shares 17 years of history, they are close co-parents, their respective dwellings are in close proximity, they work together, have lunch most week days, and he spends at least 1 night/week at her place. They are already family. He and I are potential family - but I feel like I get the bulk of his romantic attentions.

Given that, not so interested in the whole label thing. Being called secondary makes me feel less and invites the dementors to attack - what saves me is reminding myself that I feel like all of my needs are being met right now and that even if he offered more, we're not in the place yet to take advantage of that. Nor do I want his wife to feel like she is less when she clearly is not. So I sort of reject those labels.

I'll let FN speak up if he likes, but my clear understanding is that yes, he very much still sexually desires his wife and this has never diminished, nor is it likely to. What I understand to be different now in the wake of understanding that she's asexual is that he does not want her to feel the pressure of being with him sexually. More recently he's internalized the idea that they can be physically close without that sexual expectation, and that's enough. (I think? Again, reading minds and restating what I've been told is sort of dodgy business that invariably omits important nuance.)

We've not discussed feelings of grief and loss. Though at the beginning of our relationship I did see tears in his eyes a couple of times when discussing the dissolution of their marriage. I have been through a divorce that was sorely needed and which liberated me from oppression, and even I felt grief and loss, so I imagine that both FN and his wife, who still love each other very much, are experiencing some of that. Though none of that has been shared with me. Possibly this arrangement mitigates some of that feeling of grief/loss? No idea.

As for telling the son/family - this is an arrangement we intend to keep to ourselves. It's not really anyone else's IRL business. We don't see any reason to tell outsiders or their son anything. That FN and his wife will remain close friends and co-parents is a no-brainer. People do that all the time. Additionally, I think we all agree that it's healthy for the son to see them getting along so well and mutually supportively. It's been discussed what will happen when it comes to the time when I am sleeping over at FN's place when his son is also there. We're not at that stage yet, but when we are, FN's wife has suggested that it would be the most appropriate thing for him to stop spending the night over at her place so as not to confuse the son or put him in a position where he has to be discreet about something to outsiders. But who knows what that will eventually look like.

Christmas and holidays. Sort of refusing to think about that as yet. They're hugely important to me. They're hugely important to her, I think. They share a kid - I think they should spend those times together. If I am not included in that, I am going to have a really hard time. Yet I have my own family and traditions, so yeah, ignoring that for now. It's only June, after all.

Again, I've gone on and on. Brevity is not my strong suit. Kudos to anyone who actually reads all of this.
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  #36  
Old 06-15-2012, 03:40 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Originally Posted by FigNewtonian View Post
Am I capable of maintaining two romantic relationships without diminishing either? Yes.
Phig ,

...Are you talking in your head .....because wouldn't the women be the better judges of that.

And does your soon to be ex wife plan to throw a few cents into these discussions?
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  #37  
Old 06-15-2012, 03:57 PM
FigNewtonian FigNewtonian is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Phig ,

...Are you talking in your head .....because wouldn't the women be the better judges of that.

And does your soon to be ex wife plan to throw a few cents into these discussions?
A) True — I know that I'm capable of maintaining them without diminishing them in my eyes. Whether I'm doing it WELL is a question for those two.

B) I doubt very seriously she will ever post here. I shared with her another thread — I think you know the one I'm talking about — and watched the blood drain away from her face. I don't think she has any interest in being any more involved beyond occasionally reading threads Babs and I am involved in and chiming in verbally.
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  #38  
Old 06-15-2012, 04:21 PM
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blytheandbonny blytheandbonny is offline
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A) True I know that I'm capable of maintaining them without diminishing them in my eyes. Whether I'm doing it WELL is a question for those two.
So far, so good on this side! xoxoxox
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  #39  
Old 06-15-2012, 04:23 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Has anyone ever told you ...you look a lot like Emma Thompson?
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  #40  
Old 06-15-2012, 04:31 PM
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blytheandbonny blytheandbonny is offline
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Has anyone ever told you ...you look a lot like Emma Thompson?
I've heard she recommends that one be blythe and bonny....

Also, don't I wish! Poor Fig.

Last edited by blytheandbonny; 06-15-2012 at 04:36 PM.
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