Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 11-26-2009, 01:38 AM
LuvNWonder LuvNWonder is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 25
Default Making it good the first time

first...

Then..
Quote:
I'm glad you shared-maybe I'll share soon about Friday night. If you don't mind-maybe I'll add it to this thread.
It was similar experience for me, set the condoms on the bedside table, put them in the drawer, put them on the top, back in the drawer-drew a blank, of course ours are in a drawer but what's protocol in a hotel room? Heck if I know.
Oh...please do. First times (at anything) can be so traumatic. I think there is much to be learned from other's experiences. I just wish I could be as open with "everyday" people around me as I can be here.

Brian
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 11-28-2009, 04:25 AM
Erosa's Avatar
Erosa Erosa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 138
Default

This was fascinating for me to read as a newbie because it gave me a very clear insight in to the mind of someone adjusting to a new relationship situation.

I'm still not certainl where I will be able to fit in to the poly-scheme of things but this does help me realize some of the emotions I can likely expect to arise. Thank you for sharing! Very enlightening.
__________________
With all my heart I will love and not fail,
With all my soul I will fly and not fall.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 11-28-2009, 06:05 AM
LuvNWonder LuvNWonder is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 25
Default From the Mrs LuvNWonder

I (Luv) had more than a little trepidation about that event. I am generally an extrovert although I do have a streak of constraint when getting very intimate. Crossing that barrier quite frankly is emotionally challenging. Having experienced a great deal of friendships that were less than trusting, I have a considerable amount of anxiety attached and find it difficult to be open in intimate communications, as Wonder can attest too.

Initially, I had wanted this to be a 3some, but logistics did not work out that way. Wonder does want me to be comfortable and he also is well aware that especially since we have been separated by distance, my need for human contact as well as adult companionship has been very obvious. We have learned to trust our friend due to some previous visits with him including a 3some we had had a couple of weeks earlier.

Wonder suggested in his post that we had gone to lunch several times. That's a bit of a stretch. To date I have had 3 lunches w our friend. I had no intension of moving this to a primarily 1:1 relationship and would not continue it if it were suggested it become that. I want no secrets and want to be able to fully share relationships with Wonder, even if the sexual preferences aren't completely compatible (referring to the fact although our friend is pretty liberal in his willingness to experience some more bisexual activities, he is not bisexual and does have his limitations).

As Wonder mentioned this was the first time I had ever been left completely alone with another person outside of my 22 year marriage to Wonder. Even in our swinging experiences, I never did anything alone. I have some safety/security issues, which is one of the reasons friendships w those we have "relations" make more sense to me. Our friend has proven to be not only respectful of our (Wonder and I) relationship, but also has proven to be very trusting, caring and responsible. That is why I was more comfortable with this moving into a more intimate relationship. In the 2 plus years we have opened our marriage to alternate lifestyle choices, this is the first time I felt comfortable enough with myself, and with my relationship with Wonder as well as the third party to know I was safe.

Wonder made the experience even more acceptable by making those preparations he mentioned. We talked about his and my expectations before it took place. Wonder did indicate to me that he had some anxiety about it, which considering that he seemed so sure of himself and this experience actually eased my mind. It reminded me that this was something we chose to do together, it wasn't a choice he or I made alone. There is a lot of love and I treasure it.

I am very obviously the more monogamist of the two of us. I don't technically need anyone other than Wonder in my heart. I have learned however, during this transition in our lives, that it has been an enriching and liberating experience when it is carefully and considerately managed and communicated between us.

In no way, does my friendship threaten my relationship with Wonder. It is helping me overcome some communication barriers that I have built. It is also making my relationship more open and expressive which is what I need in my relationships.


I do want Wonder to be who he is. I understand why he wanted me to experience this. I'm not at full-throttle, when it comes to polyamory. I am absolutely sure there are going to be bumps, mountains if you will that we will have to overcome. I don't know that I will ever be able to accept a third party as an equal partner either for Wonder or for myself. I am learning to accept that more intimate relationships can be enriching for me and I know that Wonder wants an even greater and deeper connection in a truly poly relationship. He is being very patient with me as I try to catch up. I can see a full quad relationship being more accepting but of course I do realize that we should be open to new experiences and new relationships in whatever form they come into our lives.

So on the whole for me, this was an enriching experience made even more special by the love and care that Wonder had for me in order to help me and our friend more comfortable. The intensity that has grown out of this transition in our marriage is both challenging and frightening. I am finding some strength in our relationship that I never really felt before. A trust and love that is more deep, secure and more comfortable than ever. It is a little scary because it is so much to accept right now. There is still so much that is uncertain with our living arrangements, life choices, sexual experiences and family.

As a side note LovingRadiance: you are absolutely right….Wonder has absolutely nothing to worry about! 

J.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 12-01-2009, 03:27 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,438
Default Our "Friday Night"

Maca was concerned about being able to functionally BE poly. His concern was that when push came to shove he wouldn't be able to go through with the sex with another woman (always been monogomous).

In talking about this I concluded that it seemed obvoius that he should just "face the fear down" by having a date with a woman we could trust no to get all bent out of shape if he couldn't go through with the sex but was willing to if he could.

He was nervous but agreed. He requested I be there to and I agreed to stay long enough to get him "settled in" and then go home. I also agreed at his request to giving him a BJ before I left as he was very nervous about the sex part of it (no idea why the guy is awesome but guys will be guys). He wanted the day/time to be a suprise so he wouldn't get worked up or worried about it before hand. He also asked that I come back in the morning-and I readily agreed. He hoped we could make love before heading home, I agreed to bring breakfast for them both.

I contacted a close friend of mine. I made the general proposal to her and she readily agreed. She and I talked daily for a couple weeks about the details. It seemed each day one of us would think of some technicality that we needed to address and we would work together on a solution.

We agreed to meet (the three of us) for dinner at a bar/restaurant we regularly frequent that is in a hotel. I reserved a room for them. And she and I picked a night. She agreed to call him and let him know her kids were with her mom that night and ask if we wanted to meet he for dinner before she headed home. He (always predictable on this) would ask me what I wanted to do and knowing that was the date night I would say it would be fun and we'd meet her there.
We're both submissive by nature in the bedroom, so we agreed to go in as me being the "dom" long enough to GET us there and then I'd "hand over the sub" to him. Make it playful and a little less tense to start.

I arranged for a babysitter for our kids. She got permission and ironed out details with her husband (a secret poster even I don't know his log in, on the board. Sneaky guy!). Two or three days before "the date" she and I went for our weekly walk and it hit me that she's been interested in me for years-and I've always said no. But here we were and he was going to BE with her... I got a slight bit of jealousy-but not over him, over HER. I kind of rolled my eyes at myself, went along our walk (didn't say anything about it) and then spent a few days processing that thought/feeling.

As the date came close things went awry because my Godkids mother took off and left the kids. It was (is) very emotionally upsetting for our family. Both she (and he) offered to cancel/reschedule in light of this drama. However, I knew it was better for her husband and I if I let the date stand. So I chose to let it stand.

He and I headed to the restaurant (by this time he already knew which took some of our suprise out but too much had come up so we worked with what we had). I'd been in tears off and on all day over the situation with my Godkids and he was worried. I focused on the night and tried to completely block out the rest of the mess. We went up to the room, unpacked his bag and the "treats" I had packed.

I packed (for her) a bottle of perfume in a scent she likes, bath salts and massage oil in the same scent for them to "play" with. I put the perfume on the bathroom counter by the sink. I put the bath salt on the edge of the tub and I put the massage oil on the center of one of the beds (two queens) after removing the blankets and rearranging the sheets to make a good "massage" area.

I put the condoms AND handcuffs (JUST IN CASE they got kinky instead of romantic) in the drawer between the beds. He turned the heater on (it was FREEZING in there) and I flipped on one dim light that was more "romantic" so that when we got there we would'nt have to be in BRIGHT LIGHT after the dark bar atmosphere.

Then we went down to dinner. She was running late so we ordered our food and hers. He had two drinks ( I had to drive home still so only had one) and talked. He was a little nervous and I was a tease (in a good way) to help him relax. I was VERY affectionate and loving as I wanted to be sure he knew I wasn't upset or anything he might worry about.

She got there and we hung out while she ate. We listened to the karaoke singers and talked for a little bit. Then went upstairs.

It got a bit awkward at that point.She knew what he wanted and was waiting for me to "get that started" and he was talking a mile a minute (not usual for him). He didn't "go with the flow" of me trying to get him to lay down across the bed for us. But I worked with it best I could. I climbed up on the bed and sat (backwards) across his chest so I could do what he requested and he wasn't going to keep getting up.
I got started, she joined in, he finished while she was at it. In the midst I took off her boots and I took off her earrings so they wouldn't get broken or lost. I got up as they seemed content to "attend one another". I put her earrings in the bathroom by the perfume and headed home after kissing him goodbye.

At home I got nervous (kind of like the description in the OP's fist post). It was a little odd. I had to put ice on my neck for 30 minutes and then heat after that. In the meantime her husband was texting me (but I felt like shit). I tried to be nice and didn't tell him my issues (which had nothing to do with the situation) as he was working out of town and I didn't want to worry him.

I went to bed and slept with my phone on my chest (silly huh? never take that thing to my room). I wanted to be sure if ANYTHING went wrong and one of them called-I got the call.

GG sat on the edge of the bed just running his fingers over my arms until I fell asleep. I had told him in advance that this was Maca's night and I wasn't going to BE with GG during it becuase I wanted Maca to focus on enjoying himself and not worry about GG and I. GG was TOTALLY cool with that but Maca had told him not to leave me alone JUST IN CASE it all got to be too much with the Godkids drama AND Maca being gone all night. So he sat by me and just made sure I fell asleep.

Maca texted at some point to say he loved me and good night. After three texts I sent him one (I had already been asleep) that said "No sleep, she drives you home tomorrow" meaning that if he didn't let me get some sleep I wasn't going to pick him up the next morning.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 12-01-2009, 03:38 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,438
Default Continued

So he took my (not clearly written text) wrong.

I was up and down all night with uncomfortable concerns (some perfectly ridiculous) like
1.them getting in a fight (??) or
2.her husband or her deciding that it was "my turn" even though they know I'm not up for that (again??) and
3.worries that he would decide she was better in bed than me (never thought about that before why does it matter??)
4. him leaving me (Seriously??)
5. Nothing in particular but just a vague panic....


I went to sleep and got up to GG waking me up early to make breakfast. Texted Maca and asked when they wanted to eat/be picked up only to hear that he was bent over thinking I had decided not to come.

We got that part figured out-but it was also snowing and cold (which makes my neck issues MUCH worse). By the time I got there I was in a lot of pain and making love was NOT an option.

We all headed out to our place to get breakfast (which GG was making). We got here, ate breakfast and hung out. When she headed home he ran out and gave her a hug and kiss goodbye and said thank you.

Unfortunately he and I didn't get a 'time together' till the next week and a lot of stuff came up between Friday night and Wednesday when we got our time.

BUT she and I had time to talk (and walk) and deal and that was awesome. I confessed to her that the situation brought up a lot of emotions from my last girlfriend/loss and little details that we learned about in light of the date.

Wednesday he and I finally got to really talk and we were able to really put some things in perspective. All in all, we all grew closer together-including Maca and GG and I'm SO glad we did it!!

Ok-not sure that's the clearest written post I've ever done, but that's the gist of OUR "first" story.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 12-01-2009, 03:51 AM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Sunny FL
Posts: 344
Default

It's a wonderful story LNW.....sounds like you did it right. I have been so amazed at the thoughtfulness my wife has shown for my OSO and I. I know it hasn't been easy for her after 27 years if having me to herself, but I love her all the more for it. All the feelings you had, she had tenfold (as she is the mono one)......I hope it keeps working out well for the both (or three) of you.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
"first time"

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:00 PM.