"good enough to be someone's primary"

[lovefromgirl]

Originally Posted by Quietfever

A friend of mine (has an obvious physical difference) and I (geographically undesirable, live at home) find that we have trouble meeting single monogamous or polyamorous person to date us. . . . We have plenty of poly people (who are already in primary relationships) at any time who are interested. We find these people to be so much easier to get along with and they seem to be less judgmental.

That, says the broke, disabled chick, is the problem of the people who aren't dating you. Then again, you said you were 38? I'm 26, and my slice of my generation (about two years either side of me) got screwed by this recession pretty hard. For us, moving home isn't so weird. People have had to start over or just never started in the first place. It used to rock me, seeing people I graduated with still here in town. Now it's "hey, so this economy, how'd it hit you?"

Might be weirder for you and your age group, since you would've come of age during a boom and been expected to establish yourselves more solidly. For us? Nah, your story's just the same one I've heard a million times. No stigma there. Just reality.

Is there such a thing as not being "primary material" that is similar to not being "monogamous life partner" material?

If there is, it's a shameful social construct. There's a difference between having standards and being a snob. I used to tread that line. Came from being a hot geek girl. (Privilege is given; privilege is taken away...) While I learned to recognize that "bathes more than once monthly" is good, I also learned to reject "has hobbies in common with the non-bathers" and made a lot of assumptions.

I have been able, from the security of my partner's love, to examine and unlearn the snob parts. I still have standards. They're just somewhere below Keith Olbermann and Clive Owen these days. Or Rachel Maddow, if we're talking sexy, successful ladies. Rowr.

What I haven't been able to compromise on is the idea of being part of a household, and neither should you. I'm not, right now. Not part of his, anyway. His partner is mono and needs space. I'm stuck with my family of origin, though. You appear to have a best friend who's willing to make a tiny, platonic household, and from there? So much potential for growth. You two could be each other's person, combining your resources to better your lot in life. If I met someone like that, I totally would. Someones, even.

YOU ARE WORTHY. Both of you are worthy. We are human beings and so we are worthy. Never give up. Be with a person because the person excites you. Look for situations where you could make a home with your lover. There are poly people who don't think in hierarchical terms aside from "these are the people who live with me and these are the people who don't". Or "this is the person who is legally my spouse and these are the equally awesome people who aren't". If you don't feel equally loved, what's the point of a relationship?