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Old 06-14-2012, 03:34 PM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Brazil
Posts: 151

Originally Posted by km34 View Post
Do you think it is always conceited to try to save or only when it is based on an assumption of the need for saving?

I could understand this feeling about certain situations where it is assumed by one party that the other needs help, but not so much when the person admits they need help. An admission of a problem isn't the same as wanting to solve it, but I wouldn't find it conceited to try to "save" a person from something that is an acknowledged issue.
That is an interest question. What I try to do is, if someone tells me about his or her problem without asking for help, I empathize.

Nowadays, I really follow pretty strictly the only-help-or-give-advice-when-asked rule.

If someone simply tells me about their problems, I`ll likely be fishing for similar challenges in my life, and tell them about mine. Without offering solutions. Or, if I don`t feel close enough to the person to open up, I`ll simply say, "I`m sorry."

That being said, I`ve been guilty of passively-aggressively asking for help by complaining about my life. I`ve been trying to avoid doing that since I became aware of that pattern.

I`ve also been trying to avoid complaining "in public", so to speak. I keep my problems to myself, unless I specifically ask someone (presumably, someone I trust) if I can open up. In that case, I`m not looking for solutions, only empathy.

Likewise, when I actually need help, I try to ask for help directly. That seems to me like adhering to proper interpersonal boundaries.
Independent, sex-positive, bi-curious, private, atheist, elitist, athletic dude.
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Old 06-14-2012, 04:01 PM
freyamarie freyamarie is offline
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Southwest Missouri
Posts: 36

I appreciate this thread. It has been something I have had to realize for myself to. It is hard to stand by and watch others make decisions that seem to be ripe with potential drama and damage. Finding a balance between just being supportive and the desire to ride to the rescue is a challenge.
The longer I have sat with my instinct to ride to the rescue, the more I have realized that it is often more about how it makes me feel about myself to be of help than it is for the one in need. Realizing that has been embarrassing and somewhat painful. I think that a lot of us jump in to 'help' as a way to avoid our own shit at times. That just isn't healthy.
When a partner is hurting, the first instinct is to ease the hurt....sometimes they just need to sit with the pain in order to come to their own conclusions and to learn. Riding to the rescue does not help. I've been on the other side of that to. Just listening and reflecting back what one hears can often be of the most benefit.
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