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  #21  
Old 06-14-2012, 03:49 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
C doing those things with your kids in no way precludes your husband doing them with your kids too. ... So it's not really about that.
It's not about that. It always comes back to the physical intimacy, so I have to conclude that it's about that. So we quit, again.
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  #22  
Old 06-14-2012, 04:28 AM
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I had the opportunity to get to know a couple and have a nice sexual experience with them a few weeks ago. (I attend a "swingers club" in my area becasuse there isn't a poly community here.) The husband was an Indian guy- sounds a lot like your husband. It was his first time to attend such an event and the first time to have sex with anyone other than his wife. They had an agreement that only if he was comfortable, would anything happen. Let's just say he felt comfortable enough with me! I am quite a bit older than him (at least 15 years) and I was surprized that he was even attracted to me. We did talk some and I guess I put him at ease. His wife was making it "all about him" that night and just wanted to make sure he was comfortable and enjoying himself. We did a lot of dancing and talking and I introduced them to a lot of other people also. She had some fun too, but her main focus was on making sure he was going to have an enjoyable experience.
For the most part, men are men, and they naturally like variety. Even when they don't realize they do....
Maybe you could go out of your way to see if he can feel safe and comfortable enough to experiment some himself.
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  #23  
Old 06-15-2012, 03:14 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Originally Posted by idealist View Post
I had the opportunity to get to know a couple and have a nice sexual experience with them a few weeks ago. ...
For the most part, men are men, and they naturally like variety. Even when they don't realize they do....
Maybe you could go out of your way to see if he can feel safe and comfortable enough to experiment some himself.
Thanks, idealist. It's good to know that there are Indian men open to alternative lifestyles. However, I don't think swinging or casual sex are for me, and definitely not for him. He knows I might be willing to try something with another woman, but we'd have to know and love her first. He's not interested. He knows he's free to explore a relationship with someone else. He's not interested. As much as it would help balance this whole situation out, that's just not how he works, and I respect our differences.
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  #24  
Old 06-16-2012, 03:56 AM
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I know- I've heard that a lot....but the bottom line is that men are men and they want variety. The culture and society has brainwashed everyone to believe that it's not okay....especially the Indian Culture which I'm very familiar with- I've been to India as a matter of fact. When a man says he is not interested in sexual variety- what they are saying is that they do not believe it is okay to admit to wanting sexual variety.
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  #25  
Old 06-16-2012, 07:42 PM
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Yesterday C came through town, for our first experience in this new arrangement where he can be part of our family's activities but we can't be intimate any more. He only had a couple of hours so I suggested a trip to a nearby wildlife refuge, and my kids and husband all decided to come along. In some ways, it was really pleasant -seeing my husband chatting amiably with C, and being able to do something fun without leaving either of them out.

On the other hand, I'm now back to where we were several months ago, in love with a man I can't touch and married to a man who is holding me back. I had a terribly jealous boyfriend once, for several uncomfortable years, and as a result I am immediately repulsed by the slightest hint of possessiveness. It's hard to summon up any affection for my husband now. Demanding that I give up part of my relationship with C, knowing this causes me so much pain, feels unfair and uncaring. I've been careful to work within the boundaries we set and to try to meet my husband's needs as his wife and mother to our kids. Now I don't even feel like bothering with his needs. Certainly not any need for physical intimacy, since that feels like a part of me he is trying to own. I feel like the only way I can take charge of my own sexuality now is to shut it down completely.

Meanwhile C is taking everything in stride and without expectations, as he always does. He only wants me to be happy and my marriage to be stable, so he's agreeing with my decision that being able to be a part of my normal life (and kids' lives) is more important than the intimacy we were enjoying. I don't think he'd care if he never saw my kids again, but he knows how important they are in my life. It had always troubled him not being able to get to know my husband, so he's finding the silver lining.

I wonder how long this can be sustained... C and I having these strong feelings for each other, and not being "allowed" intimacy. Seems like one of these relationships is eventually going to break, and in my experience, rigid things break before flexible things do.
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  #26  
Old 06-17-2012, 05:24 AM
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I empathize with you, but also your husband.

Please think hard about the consequences of divorce. For your kids, how you will look to your family and friends, and all the messy details. Do you want to go there? It seems to be constantly heading that way.
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  #27  
Old 06-17-2012, 06:26 PM
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I find it really amazing that your husband can flip so easily from being very cold and hardened against C to suddenly being so amiable and nice, just based on what you do with your body. That would disturb me greatly. I don't have any advice, but I can totally understand why you feel that he is making no effort anymore to meet your needs, so why bother with meeting his. It's not about punishing him, but how can he expect you to have the energy to be so accommodating to him when he keeps taking back his word and thinks nothing of it? He feels entitled to owning you, it seems. That would drive me nuts.
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  #28  
Old 06-19-2012, 04:12 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Ok, things are back to stable. What I had felt was a change of rules around C's interactions with my kids, turned out to be more of a misunderstanding. My husband had never meant for C to spend purposeful time around my kids. We discussed all this at length and arrived on a compromise where I can take the kids and do things together with C (even if we have an intimate relationship), as long as I first let my husband know the plan, and make sure it is not an activity he was planning to do with the kids himself or otherwise feels is too sentimentally important (their first experience at something, etc.). But basically, we can do whatever I'd be able to do with any other friend.

The other option was to keep physical intimacy out of my relationship with C, and be able to include him in social events with my husband, invite him to our parties, and otherwise treat him like any other good friend all around. This was really tempting to me, after that one afternoon with both of them together, and after thinking that was the path we would have to take and imagining such possibilities as a trip to his rural home. If we are intimate, my husband will not consider him a friend and I'll have to associate with each of them separately.

Yesterday C and I spent a few hours discussing both options, and had a very hard time making a decision. In the end, we realized that if we chose the no-intimacy option, it would be with the idea that eventually my husband would relent, or maybe we would just falter, and we'd switch back to intimacy. My husband was clear that he didn't want this to be a back and forth decision. So we decided the only sustainable option was to allow the intimacy, and forgo his interactions with my husband. It's bittersweet.

Another interesting piece of our conversation was a discussion about C's evolving views on monogamy. When we began, he was clear that polyamory was not in his nature, and as much as he loves and respects his former partners, he didn't see himself capable of maintaining more than one relationship at once. Wanting a full partner eventually, it was a given that our relationship would end when he found the right woman who could offer what he is looking for. Now, however, even though he is still ostensibly seeking someone who can offer more of herself than I am able, he says that he would only end his relationship with me if the new woman asked him to be monogamous. Of course, this would be the most likely scenario, so he figures he'd be ruling out most possibilities if he limited his choices to someone who'd accept his continued relationship with me. On his part, though, he would be willing to give polyamory a try. This is new, and even though it's unlikely, it comforts me to know that he doesn't foresee changing how he feels about me even if he finds a new love. Perhaps we would just switch back to the "no intimacy" option and keep the love going.

Who knows what the future holds? For now, things are back to where they'd been feeling pretty good. I'm content.
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