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  #11  
Old 05-22-2012, 04:58 AM
NDNIRISH NDNIRISH is offline
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I agree with km34 on ur current situation Corey. It sounds like ur being used for room and board. Keeping u a secret, disrespects u, won't listen....sorry man but if I were u she would be out and I'm a nice guy too but there has to be a limit. What ever u both decide to do, I hope it works out for the best.
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  #12  
Old 05-23-2012, 01:03 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by corey View Post
I would love that, but if you knew her you would know that would NEVER happen.

She doesnt want me to talk to anyone else about this. She doesnt want anyone else to know about this thing "open relationship" she feels embarrassed about it (so she says) and she admits that its not normal and describes it as being like a "sickness" or something.

Most of all though she also says that by me talking with others about it I am not showing a "sense of self" or that I have my own identity. She would kill me if she saw all these messages. Im just trying to keep calm about it all.
I'm not much for hearts and flowers either, but ye gods, in no universe would I be upset with a partner for dealing in his own way. That's not right. You stay with her, you're in for a world of hurt. You seem to have a very strong sense of self. So does she. By themselves, those things are not wrong, but the two of you sound less and less compatible the more you talk about her.

Kick the user to the curb and find yourself a person who treats you like you're worthwhile. You shouldn't have to suffer because she needs a place to stay. I had a friend who let someone stay because he felt sorry for her and that ended very badly. It actually ended our friendship. Do your friends have opinions about this woman? Have they perhaps been hiding those opinions very carefully?
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  #13  
Old 06-01-2012, 03:18 AM
corey corey is offline
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well you guys know the saying its easier to give advice than to take it.. i think i agree with you but i just dont know how to do it
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  #14  
Old 06-01-2012, 06:08 AM
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Perhaps put out some kind of a feeler? such as, "I really need you to inform your dates about me. Otherwise I feel like we're not being honest." That's a pretty basic thing, so find out how she reacts to it. Maybe she will be the one to call it quits (although who knows, she maybe still needs you for the place to stay). But just make a request of her, something that you need, and find out what the response is. Decide for yourself if that's a response you can live with.

I can't tell yet if she's just a user, or if she has some unrealistic ideas about what freedom should look like. Personally, I feel that freedom comes with responsibility.
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  #15  
Old 06-13-2012, 09:47 AM
corey corey is offline
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Perhaps put out some kind of a feeler? such as, "I really need you to inform your dates about me. Otherwise I feel like we're not being honest." That's a pretty basic thing, so find out how she reacts to it. Maybe she will be the one to call it quits (although who knows, she maybe still needs you for the place to stay). But just make a request of her, something that you need, and find out what the response is. Decide for yourself if that's a response you can live with.

I can't tell yet if she's just a user, or if she has some unrealistic ideas about what freedom should look like. Personally, I feel that freedom comes with responsibility.
I did that, her reaction was that "she makes sure its nothing more than friends" she explains that if she tells them she is in a serious relationship it would make things awkward

It sounds logical explanation but at the same time - if he knows the situation he likely not to care I wouldnt think if he is not trying to have a relationship either
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  #16  
Old 06-13-2012, 10:03 AM
HopeRemains HopeRemains is offline
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Originally Posted by km34 View Post
The more I read your threads the more I wonder why you are with this woman. I mean,really. She cheated on you, contributes nothing to living expenses, won't talk to you about something VERY new that completely changes your relationship, criticizes you for researching, and balks at almost every boundary/rule you request. I see no respect for you or your relationship.
I agree with this completely.
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  #17  
Old 06-13-2012, 04:01 PM
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Originally Posted by corey View Post
I did that, her reaction was that "she makes sure its nothing more than friends" she explains that if she tells them she is in a serious relationship it would make things awkward
I am calling BS on this one.

She is using you as a free place to live, while going out and having sex with other folks without telling either you or them that she is. That's not an open relationship, that's cheating and lying.

If the other person only wants casual sex, then knowing she is in a serious relationship won't affect the casual sex status at all, would it? The only time this would cause a problem would be if the person (or her) wanted more than casual sex with the person.

Reading this and your other posts, it looks a lot like you are being had.
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  #18  
Old 06-13-2012, 07:57 PM
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Re (from corey, Post #15):
Quote:
"Re (from kdt26417, Post #14):
Quote:
'Perhaps put out some kind of a feeler? such as, "I really need you to inform your dates about me. Otherwise I feel like we're not being honest."'
I did that, her reaction was that 'she makes sure it's nothing more than friends.'"
So, by that, does she mean that you're her only romantic relationship; that all her other relationships are platonic? If that's true, then I guess it's not so bad if she doesn't tell these friends about you ... a little disconcerting perhaps, but not *as* bad.

Re (from corey, Post #15):
Quote:
"She explains that if she tells them she is in a serious relationship it would make things awkward."
Well, a little awkwardness seems (to me) a reasonable price to pay for being honest ...

But now the big questions:
  • What, if anything, is she willing to compromise on?
  • If she's not willing to compromise at all, can you live with that?
I get the impression she's presenting you with a "take it or leave it" situation. She's willing to explain why she does what she does (and maybe that makes it easier for you to live with it), but she's not willing to actually budge in her course or heading.

I guess my advice is, get 100% confirmation on what she is or isn't willing to budge on, hear her out on her explanations, and then ask yourself if you can live with what she's presenting to you. If you can't, you may have some tough decisions to make.

One thing that would concern me is if she wasn't willing to communicate with you about these things. These things call for communication. Even if she feels put out by communicating, I'd hope she'd grit her teeth and give it a chance. Like you said (in Post #7), you need her to be patient with repetitiveness as you have "re-hashes" of the same topics.

It concerns me that she's not okay with you getting any outside input about your situation (such as here on Polyamory.com). When someone doesn't want their partner to "talk to anyone else about it," it's often because that someone wants to control all the information.

You're not wrong to seek outside counsel. You can come to your own conclusions about which of that outside counsel you want to adopt into practice.
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  #19  
Old 06-13-2012, 08:39 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
So, by that, does she mean that you're her only romantic relationship; that all her other relationships are platonic?
If by "platonic" you mean friends that she has sex with then yes. i don't use that definition :-)

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Well, a little awkwardness seems (to me) a reasonable price to pay for being honest ...
So she might not get laid quite as often.... boo hoo. (sorry I'm feeling very little sympathy for her right now)
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  #20  
Old 06-13-2012, 09:30 PM
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Re: platonic ... yeah, friends with benefits I guess, not sure what she's driving at there.

I admit I'm feeling a little suspicious about this lady. Seems like she's rationalizing a bit, doesn't it?
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