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  #1391  
Old 06-08-2012, 09:49 PM
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I'm trying to live in the moment today. No thought of what happened, or what could happen, just right here and right now. Its usually my poly coping strategy and I sometimes lose it and freak out when I think of what my life must look like, but today I am consciously pulling it together. Its been a week of uphevel and I am ready to balance my plates again.

Last night Mono came back from his coffee date on top of the world. It was hard to see, but I did feel some compersion and was pleased he was happy. He told me all that happened and details of what they talked about. He started his trek towards having integrity with me successfully because he seems to have behaved as he said he would and with the intentions he said he would have. I put no rules or boundaries on anything and he considered how I would feel the whole time and acted from that place of "if I do this will I be able to tell RP about it later." It was my suggestion and it seems to work for him.

I heard from my dating friend last night while Mono was gone. He asked if I would be his gf. I was startled as it came via text, so I suggested we talk on the phone. He agreed it wasn't the best timing I was flattered and honoured and yes, excited by the idea of having him in my life like that. We went over what that would mean to me as I don't subscribe to primary/secondary values and as he is new to poly and has a wife and child, I fear being put in that role again. Its not one I want or will accept again. I also let him know that he would need to meet all my loves, spend some time getting them used to that idea and that I am in no rush to take more on. Tomorrow our families meet at a local family fair and parade. It will be a start at least.
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  #1392  
Old 06-08-2012, 11:15 PM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
That is what he keeps saying.... that he has experienced it.
Right. And from what you've mentioned here, he's also been caught off guard by the discovery of what has always seemed to be something he was incapable of. Everybody's unearthing things, and shifting. It never comes without discomfort and pain though.


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Originally Posted by km34 View Post
I thought this and that maybe he is seeing your reaction from this whole situation he realizes how important he and your relationship are to you. Maybe other men aren't a threat anymore because it is obvious that despite (or because of depending on the perspective) the other people in your life, you cherish what you have with him.

I've never commented on your blog before, but it makes me sad how down on yourself you are getting, and like many others before I just want to say that I'm sure you two will work it out. People and perspectives change, and despite being adamant about how/who he is, maybe Mono isn't as mono as he thought.
Me too! I wish you would give yourself more credit Red. Sometimes we don't react in ways we assumed we would. Just gotta process and work through it and come out on the other side.


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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I'm trying to live in the moment today. No thought of what happened, or what could happen, just right here and right now. Its usually my poly coping strategy and I sometimes lose it and freak out when I think of what my life must look like, but today I am consciously pulling it together. Its been a week of uphevel and I am ready to balance my plates again.

Last night Mono came back from his coffee date on top of the world. It was hard to see, but I did feel some compersion and was pleased he was happy. He told me all that happened and details of what they talked about. He started his trek towards having integrity with me successfully because he seems to have behaved as he said he would and with the intentions he said he would have. I put no rules or boundaries on anything and he considered how I would feel the whole time and acted from that place of "if I do this will I be able to tell RP about it later." It was my suggestion and it seems to work for him.

I heard from my dating friend last night while Mono was gone. He asked if I would be his gf. I was startled as it came via text, so I suggested we talk on the phone. He agreed it wasn't the best timing I was flattered and honoured and yes, excited by the idea of having him in my life like that. We went over what that would mean to me as I don't subscribe to primary/secondary values and as he is new to poly and has a wife and child, I fear being put in that role again. Its not one I want or will accept again. I also let him know that he would need to meet all my loves, spend some time getting them used to that idea and that I am in no rush to take more on. Tomorrow our families meet at a local family fair and parade. It will be a start at least.
See?! You were very capable before the coffee date, and you still were afterwards. With all the upheaval I still see you guys making it, for sure. A huge change is not always a bad thing.
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  #1393  
Old 06-09-2012, 03:06 PM
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Hugs to my favorite polypeeps. Ok, I lie, hugs to my favorite peeps.
Hope you all enjoy the weekend!
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  #1394  
Old 06-12-2012, 05:27 AM
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Kiss to LR.

Well, we seem to be getting into a familiar routine. It goes something like this; I live in the moment, feel like everything is normal, get about my own life and recognise my autonomy as I did before. Then time passes and I wonder what's going on and catch a bit of traction that makes the tires of my mind spin out.

PN calls it rumination, like chewing on something. To me its like a car spinning out. I find something that I can not let go of so I go to Mono, ask him about it (already agitated), he gives me an answer that leads me to realise where I have been blind or kept in the dark and I lash out with accusations and judgement. He gets angry and closes down and I storm away. After a time I humbly go back, head lowered and feeling sheepish and vulnerable and apologise, looking for affirmation and reassurance and loving acceptance of who I am.

I feel like a child. He comes off as cold in his hurt and resentment of my attitude and I feel further from him. Somehow, if I badger him, we get to a place where I get my need for closeness met. Usually its bitter sweet though, because I feel like whiney child looking for attention.

Last night I asked him what she had texted today. He told me her husband was asking why he hadn't texted and she had said she misses his texts. I snapped and said something along the lines of his not ever being present for the last months because he had spent his time texting her and he just looked sad and resentful. We managed to get to a place where I would use better communication skills (come on RP, you know this stuff!) and tell him that I "feel" as if he wasn't present with me at a time when we were together because he was texting her. He agreed to be patient and ask me to rephrase what I say to reflect feelings.

Last night was a bit of a turning point for me. Because Mono is set on me having my freedom however I want it, he comes across as backing away at a time when I need reassurance and his attention. This on top of the scenario I mentioned above adds insult to injury and I feel further from him. It makes me feel like I am not his priority when he acts like that, so for me to ask him to make me a priority over her seems hopeless and opposite of what he really wants.

He also needs his space in order to figure stuff out... adding more distance at a time when I feel very vulnerable, like I am fucking up my communication and am coming across as overly emotional to a bunch of people who don't seem as invested in communicating or showing their emotions (military?).

If I were in her position I would back away and suggest he deal with his home life and that a friendship can be worked on later. As far as I know she doesn't know the implications of her presence in my life and so carries on as if there is nothing going on. When he doesn't text as much I wonder if she wonders if its because he's done with her, or because she is causing a rift or because he used her at a time he was struggling (the latter is what Mono thinks is happening). In any case, she would likely discover that she is having an effect more than he is letting on. I would think that she would be concerned about that. To me it seems as if I am not his priority and that losing her friendship over rides his priority to me. Its more important he present as if all is well than letting on that things are rough right now. I don't know if its true, but its part of the tred mill I get on. Part of the "spinning out."

All of this keeps us from being close and from moving forward. Not to mention I feel really rushed to "get over it" as she is leaving this weekend for three months. I am rushing myself. I feel his resentment that this is happening and I am trying to wrap it up for him so he can be with her before she goes.

He says its gotten way out of control and that its been made a bigger deal than it needed to be, and that on one hand makes me think I should take it all less seriously. It also makes me think that maybe I should of been left in the dark until he got over her. On the other hand he might not of and might of cheated again as much as he did on his wife. More spinning
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  #1395  
Old 06-12-2012, 08:35 AM
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Can't rush the process or yourself Red (but you know that). Just stay with it. Try to narrow the focus a bit and brake hard. You keep spinning, you'll find things that aren't even there.
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  #1396  
Old 06-13-2012, 10:51 AM
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Wow, I haven't read in quite awhile and I am so sad for what you are going through. I don't know if anyone has mentioned this, but the TEXTING game can get out of control! It is the channel by which the other woman became a primary, where that was never supposed to happen. We had other problems that I was in denial over, but I just wanted to put in my 2 cents here. Hugs.
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  #1397  
Old 06-13-2012, 02:42 PM
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Thank you Carma and Arrowbound.

We had a really nice night quietly watching a documentary, eating together and then did some of our own thing together. I did some painting in the new space we set up after I lost my studio (my parents moved from the house my studio was in) and Mono took apart some computers. It was nice to sit and enjoy being near. We talked to ourselves and occasionally each other and checked our phones now and then awkwardly, it was a relaxed and much needed quiet evening.

I have been continuing to see the other men in my life and went on a friendly date this week with someone who has been in my life for awhile. It was interesting to try on the idea of something more, but really, our friendship means more to me.

My new friend came over this weekend and we all hung out in the front yard while I worked on the van washing it and making sure it runs. I washed it with Mono and LB's help and now its ready to have adventures. PN put up tents to see which one he will take on an up coming trip. We all chatted and joked around while we did our projects. It was a lot of fun.

The day before my dating friend came over with his wife and three year old to meet everyone and watch a local parade. Everyone seemed to get along okay. Mono said he liked the families energy and didn't find it strained at all. PN seemed to like them also. He and my friend have writing common.

Last week my dating friend asked if we could be bf/gf. It was bad timing to ask, but the possibility is there. He is a lovely man and we are very alike. We think the same way about emotions and relationship dynamics. It just needs some time yet.

Derby and I and the kids all went to a local fair after the parade and my new friend came with us. It was an exhausting day, but we had a lot of fun.
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  #1398  
Old 06-13-2012, 06:41 PM
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You know how to pick nice people to bring into your life, Lilo Love you!
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  #1399  
Old 06-13-2012, 09:51 PM
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You know how to pick nice people to bring into your life, Lilo Love you!
*waves*
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  #1400  
Old 06-13-2012, 10:15 PM
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You being one of them my love Mono
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