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  #61  
Old 10-10-2009, 02:54 AM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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I wasn't "supposed" to be able to have children either (uterine and ovarian cysts which would prevent a healthy pregnancy). And N was told in college that he was most likely sterile (low sperm count). I believe I lost a pregnancy as a teen though I was so scared and stupid I never confirmed it conclusively, but my GYN feels strongly it is so. My son (OUR son, N and I) was supposed to be a fraternal twin according to all the info we have from early in the pregnancy. I nearly lost him three times. I'm now about two weeks away from having what, by all accounts, will be our healthy baby girl, despite a rough pregnancy fraught with sickness. Both were conceived accidentally, this one while on birth control. I really believe if it's meant to happen, it will. And, if not, there are no shortage of children out there in need of a loving home.
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Old 10-10-2009, 07:30 AM
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And, if not, there are no shortage of children out there in need of a loving home.
But then, nor is there the "abundance" of them that is marketed to us. That's more fiction than fact.

-------------------
Speaking from experience, many human individuals become convinced that they can not have children, only to find later that they can/could. I have found the fertility prognosis of many physicians (especially practicing medicine in the USA) to be almost entirely useless. And a lot of anxiety in this area ends up being needless.

Good luck on your journey.
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  #63  
Old 10-10-2009, 01:15 PM
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But then, nor is there the "abundance" of them that is marketed to us. That's more fiction than fact.
Yes and no. There are alot. It's just a matter of how many hoops the system forces you to jump through and whether those hoops are set on fire.

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Speaking from experience, many human individuals become convinced that they can not have children, only to find later that they can/could. I have found the fertility prognosis of many physicians (especially practicing medicine in the USA) to be almost entirely useless. And a lot of anxiety in this area ends up being needless.

Good luck on your journey.
Very true. And the worry all too often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Couples try for years, go through procedures, give up-and then finally conceive naturally once the pressure to do so is off.
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  #64  
Old 10-11-2009, 06:40 PM
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I find this an interesting thread and I am torn by it. On one hand I am concerned for you as your third....( I don't know what configuration you have...? anyway, this woman in your life...) seems to want to take on a role in child rearing that is bigger than you feel comfortable with and on the other she seems to just be simply excited for you and the prospect of having a baby in her life that she can simply admire, cuddle with and then hand back to you when it starts to cry.

You and our husband are doing this together, that might be a threat to her as she is not a part of it. Since she has already had a child she might be feeling that she can feel a part of it by telling you how she raised her kids and how she can help. There is nothing wrong in that. She should be expressing her concerns really, but perhaps they have not surfaced as such yet.... perhaps you could ask her if that is what is happening for her?

I would think that you would also feel a bit threatened as you are the one who will get huge, have hormonal changes, feel like building a nest for your baby, all insular and self absorbed. This means your husband will go through what I believe all daddy's do and that is his feelings of being left out. His role will change in your life and he will have the responsibility to be the meal cooker, the house cleaner, the money maker, the foot rubber, the get up in the night to change diaper guy,,,, all those fun things that seems thrust upon men that have no connection physically to baby when it is in the womb... it's quite a shock and some men just whine and complain about it and go and seek a hot chic to give them some well needed attention. This woman could very well become a bigger part of his life than you feel comfortable with.

Lots of talking ahead and lots of growing to do.... just as much as growing a baby.

I hope you have a very solid relationship before getting into babies... you will need it.
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  #65  
Old 10-13-2009, 04:21 AM
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I have functionally lived in a poly family for the last 19 years. I didn't know it was called poly and it wasn't always SEXUAL.

My best friend whom I call my sister and I raised my oldest daughter for the 1st 6 years. My daughter calls her "auntie" but their relationship is that of mother and daughter just as our relationship is.
A variety of boyfriends (and my daughters father) were in and out of our lives and all participated in some way-but Em and I were primary in the decision making process (obviously legally it was just me, but functionally it was equal).

I married when my daughter was 6 and he had a 2 year old boy. We had a son together. Em lived with us and continued to be a primary caretaker of our children (neither of us was or is sexually active with her and she lives with us now as well). She held more of a true auntie roll with my stepson, but with the new baby she was just as much a second mom as she had been with my oldest.
Years go by-our youngest is 7 and we had another little girl, she is biologically mine and C's but she is FUNCTIONALLY Maca's and mine. Maca IS daddy and I am mommy. Em is auntie and her roll is very much a typical auntie-not a mother role. C is an uncle roll, but she (as with all the kids except my oldest) call him by his given name with a "IE" added to the end. The oldest did always call him her uncle.
He has pretty close to equal say/so in the kids lives in day to day life. But MAJOR decisions remain only Maca's and mine.
Em also has pretty close to equal say/so in the kids lives in day to day life. But MAJOR decisions remain solely Maca and mine.

SO-can it work? Yes it can. But you need to sit down and discuss with your husband first WHAT is it EACH of you expect to happen and then find the ageed upon middle ground. After you two are on the same page you need to talk to her and find out what SHE is hoping her role will be with the kid(s). Try to take a serious look at her desires to see if they will benefit you. If they will-great. If not-then it's time to set ground rules.

By the way-you likely will have to do the same thing with grandparents as well-so you may as well use this as practice!
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  #66  
Old 11-30-2009, 06:20 PM
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Default Raising Children In Poly Families?

I would like to hear how those of you who pratice poly and also have children have raised your kids in this format.

At some point in my life I hope to have children of my own, or to be in a relationship where my partners have children. But I would like to know what the success of failure rate of this is and how raising kids in a poly frame work home is different than in a mono home?
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  #67  
Old 11-30-2009, 06:30 PM
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I haven't figured this one out yet. But, I want children hands down, no doubt. I'm 31, so time's ticking and my biological clock is L-O-U-D!

Both the people in my life know that I want children and would make wonderful auntie and uncle. But, I don't see either of them wanting to be direct co-parents with me.

The two main needs that need to be met before I have children, the way I see it, are money and energy. I would be an amazing mother, I think, but I am not financially stable enough yet and don't have a large enough home for kids. I also need breaks because of chronic low energy.

I've thought about lots of scenarios. I've had very unsuccessful relationships and have started rethinking the whole conventional scene of living with a man, getting pregnant, having kids together. I could easily live with a platonic friend who also wants children and would be interested in helping out with things like cooking and putting the kids to bed. Having a roommate/platonic friend would help a lot with rent/heating costs. My lovers would be involved too, but not necessarily mommy and daddy.

Not sure if this is what you were after with your questions, but this is where I'm at with parenting in my life.

I would also love to hear how others do it.
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  #68  
Old 11-30-2009, 10:14 PM
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I have a slightly different parenting tale than most but I'll gladly share it here.

My own kids are all adults now, my youngest will be 21 in just a couple of weeks. However, I've had custody of my oldest granddaughter, who is now 11, for over 3 years and I've recently gained custody of an 8 year old grandson and 3 yr old twins, a grandson and granddaughter.

Without the love and support of my polyfamily, there is no way that I could do this as a 45 year old single mom/gramma.

While the change in my circumstances has caused us to put on hold plans to have the entire family under one roof, we are in truth a single, rather large family.

Having so many adults around to be a consistent part of the kids' lives has been such a benefit for them. They all adore their grownups and as things unfold, special relationships are blooming between individual kids and adults.
The 3 year old girl can be quite a handful, but she's taken a shine to Rosevett's boyfriend, M and when the rest of us are at wits end with her, he has a way with her that calms her down.

Another bonus is the availability of other adults for some of the logisitics; Rosevett and M watched the kids so R and I could get away for our one year anniversary. In what other world would my boyfriend's other girlfriend and her other boyfriend babysit so that could happen?
The guys have also watched the kids so that Rosevett and I could have our Girls' Night Out.

The young adults in our family are wonderfully accepting of all the members and have also become a huge part of the little one's lives.
Rosevett's daughter and her boyfriend took the kids to get pumpkins for Halloween and to the playground for the afternoon so that the adults could have some quiet time to catch up, my daughter and her boyfriend help out in many ways and even my son has stepped up to the plate when I need him.

I'm not sure the littler ones grasps the "who's who" in our configuration, though the oldest granddaughter does. They all just know that this is our family and they love being around them.

We are far enough away physically that picking kids up at school or handling medical appointments really isn't an issue but the local folks are becoming accustomed to seeing a variety of configurations of our family in attendance at sporting or school events and I've not yet heard a negative word.

I am totally out at work and include the 3 other adults in as many work events as I can. Since many of my coworkers are also parents in our school district, that means they know of the situation and I've yet to see any negative impact on the kids from it.

As for my grown children, well my daughter describes our relationship this way: My mom's boyfriend has another girlfriend who has another boyfriend and they all hang out together.
As long as I'm happy (and I am!) my kids are happy and that is a wonderful thing.
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  #69  
Old 12-01-2009, 02:25 AM
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My kids have always lived in a "poly family" though it was often not a sexual-poly dynamic.
My sister has lived with us most of their lives.
The last 7 years or so GG has lived with us.

We recently "came out" poly (September). All of the kids living with us are privy to this information. So is the rest of our extended family.

Honestly the kids reactions were... not. They didn't care one way or another who was sleeping with who. They already had all of us in their lives, already accept all of us as family (they've always called GG "uncle") and they already knew he was our youngest child's bio-father as he was the sperm donor that allowed her to exist!

We've found that life is ALWAYS easier for the kids with more of us here. They KNOW they can count on ANY of the 4 of us. So if mom or dad isn't available-it's ok, they have auntie or their uncle.

Ours are 18, 13, 9, 2 years and have lived in this type of environment their whole lives... though as I said not always were we open about who was sleeping where.
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  #70  
Old 12-01-2009, 02:49 AM
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We've found that life is ALWAYS easier for the kids with more of us here. They KNOW they can count on ANY of the 4 of us. So if mom or dad isn't available-it's ok, they have auntie or their uncle.
As I sat reading this thread with my 21 yr old daughter - she said that 'ya this paragraph rings true'.

My children 21 & 19 have lived in a polyfamily for over four years, technically knowledgeable about 'poly' for the last 2 or 3 and have always loved my past partners as father figures that have never left their lives. We are blessed, and I'll share that my daughter has choosen or is wired(we haven't clarified) monogamy
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