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  #11  
Old 06-12-2012, 09:38 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Originally Posted by greenchild90 View Post
Well, as far as I know from what both of them have individually vented to me (not assumptions), she is not comfortable with him being "poly", and he is not comfortable with giving up his "poly" lifestyle. However, both of them are clinging to whatever relationship & commitment they have, and don't seem like they necessarily want to give up each other as people.
I am going to say that especially in poly, when a person isn't clear about their wants and needs & just kind of does what they want without first being very clear with their other partners (even though it's obviously causing problems) they end up being drama magnets. He seems weak willed, and that's not something I could handle from a partner, lots of problems in poly come from shitty communication, and this situation seems to have it in spades.

I'd also ask them to stop venting to you, and say that you'll be glad to talk to them about their relationship once they hash things out. I think it's immature of him especially (not her so much since you're friends) to be complaining about their dynamic. I don't know if he's venting just to vent, or venting in order to seek advice, but if it's the first one it's bad and it's going to undermine your relationship with your friend. I rarely would find it appropriate to vent about my partners to each other, and I wouldn't let them vent to me more than once about a particular issue.

It's irresponsible for somebody who wants to be poly to get into a relationship with somebody who wants monogamy without having what that is going to look like at least somewhat sorted out. He doesn't really sound ready for a serious relationship in general, let alone poly. If he finds it easier to "cheat" with you, he might find it easier to cheat on you instead of being forthright about what he wants to do with other relationships.

Then again it doesn't sound like you are hoping to be with him all the time, so maybe you're fine with that, but I do want to say he sounds like he has some relational skills he needs to learn.
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  #12  
Old 06-13-2012, 12:32 PM
greenchild90 greenchild90 is offline
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I think it's immature of him especially (not her so much since you're friends) to be complaining about their dynamic. I don't know if he's venting just to vent, or venting in order to seek advice, but if it's the first one it's bad and it's going to undermine your relationship with your friend. I rarely would find it appropriate to vent about my partners to each other, and I wouldn't let them vent to me more than once about a particular issue.
Well, see the gray area here for me & him is that while we might be/have been lovers, we were also friends, so I always had an open ear for him whenever he was upset. I still keep an open mind, & try to think about her side of the story, how she might be feeling - in other words, we don't sit on the phone and bash her back & forth, though we might share similar frustrations about her personality; we still love her and try to give her a fair shake in the situation.

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He doesn't really sound ready for a serious relationship in general, let alone poly.
That may very well be true, & it may be a voluntary decision. He told me that in the beginning when he met her, she had expressed interest in a more casual relationship, and he was fine with that, but then her actions contradicted her words and she was treating the relationship like a serious one.

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If he finds it easier to "cheat" with you, he might find it easier to cheat on you instead of being forthright about what he wants to do with other relationships.
I trust him to be 100% honest with me because he knows that I will not judge him, that I will listen with an open ear, & that I will think about what he says logically before jumping to conclusions. I've made this clear to him, so he knows he has no reason to hide anything from me, and vice versa. If we were to have a relationship, I would be ok with him seeing other people as long as he talked to me about it first. I'd find it difficult to "cheat" in a situation like that...
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  #13  
Old 06-13-2012, 04:01 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I trust him to be 100% honest with me because he knows that I will not judge him, that I will listen with an open ear, & that I will think about what he says logically before jumping to conclusions. I've made this clear to him, so he knows he has no reason to hide anything from me, and vice versa. If we were to have a relationship, I would be ok with him seeing other people as long as he talked to me about it first. I'd find it difficult to "cheat" in a situation like that...
Well, you will learn that although this is great in theory, it doesn't really matter how clear you make this to somebody or how long you've known them. It's still perfectly possible for people who have no reason to hide things or cheat, to do so. Speaking from both personal experience and observations on other people's journeys in poly.

Not sure if you've decided about the actions you're going to take in regards to how you're going to handle this situation you posted about it the first place, but I hope you're making some progress on that front.
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Old 06-13-2012, 06:09 PM
greenchild90 greenchild90 is offline
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Not sure if you've decided about the actions you're going to take in regards to how you're going to handle this situation you posted about it the first place, but I hope you're making some progress on that front.
Progress will be slow, since this latest blowout with our mutual friends has only happened in the last few days. I sent him an e-mail with a link to this thread & he's read part of it. He agrees that it's wise to step back, "try to be friends" and see how things play out. It's difficult to make any real progress on this without her actually being present, instead of her being on the road. I absolutely don't want to hash this out with her over e-mail or text messages.
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