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  #21  
Old 11-30-2009, 02:28 PM
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I've often wondered if swinging could be the cure for what ails me. I'm still not sure if polyamory is truly what would work best for me. I've often thought of monogamy as possessive and immature, but like most of us, I've had the misfortune of growing up in a society where pro-monogamy propaganda has been shoved down my throat since infancy.

That being said, ever since my first longterm, monogamous relationship, I realized I would always be attracted to males and females equally and would eventually tire of a situation where I'm only dating a single person and begin craving the other gender. I've tried introducing the idea of swinging or polyamory to everyone I've been with, and it's never been met with much enthusiasm. Even for myself, I fear jealousy would make things difficult. My current and I have discussed going to swinger's clubs, but the ones near us are ridiculously expensive. We've checked out the yahoo groups for swingers in our area, and the other members of these groups don't really do it for us. Also, as has been discussed earlier, there is the whole homophobia factor, which wouldn't work at all for my partner or me. We're both very queer friendly, (both dealing with gender dysphoria issues, I'm pansexual,) and most of the reason I'd be interested in going is to get it on with some ladies.

I think the reason swinging appeals to me is that it's something you do at a club or event, but then you leave it there and go on with your life. However, I am more attracted to someone based on their personality, so random anonymous sex might leave me cold. Polyamory interests me because you get a chance to connect and build a relationship with someone that feels more organic and, well, normal, but what if that person(s) is crazy, or tries to break up my current relationship, or becomes a stalker, or blahdy blahdy blah... I come up with too many what-if's, methinks

I've settled on monogamy by default, even though I'm not convinced it's the best solution for me. I'm keeping my mind open to all possibilities.
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  #22  
Old 11-30-2009, 02:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I also was disturbed by the fact that the swinging party we went to was full of very drunk women being mauled by men who took advantage of their drunkness. I saw some double dipping going on and women who seemed unable to get out of the situations they were in due to being drunk.
All I have to say is ew, ew, EW! That completely goes against anything I'd ever like to be a part of. I couldn't be sexual in a situation like that. I think I'd find it disturbing, too. Thanks for sharing that, you've spared me from possibly witnessing the same thing!
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  #23  
Old 11-30-2009, 03:00 PM
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My time with swinging was short lived fortunately for me. I learned pretty quick that while I got to be with a woman they were more interested in showing the men that they could be bi too, it seemed. I was into it because I love women's bodies and they just seemed to whince when they had to do anything sexual with women. Way to hetrocentric for me I'm afraid.
*shudder* I hate this trend of women pretending to be bi to turn on guys. It seems so retro, anti-progressive.
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  #24  
Old 12-01-2009, 01:52 AM
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I was going to start a new thread, but my thoughts fit nicely into this one.

Quote:
It ain't poly if you're just fucking around.
Yep, I'm starting to agree.

Although swinging is all I really knew before coming to polyamory, (never did do it, but it intrigued me for a while), it isn't at all what I want.

I'm feeling a bit frustrated with the dynamics between my lover 'D' and her girlfriend. They have 3-somes mostly with men and each have lovers on the side. But, their romantic relationship is with each other. They just have sex with the others as far as I can tell.

Since beginning evaluate what it is I want for myself, I am liking this scenario less and less.

I am 'D's lover, as far as she's concerned. I don't feel unwanted, unloved or anything, but my feelings for her are stronger than hers for me. It bothers me to watch the two of them argue over unmet needs with each other. There are some wonderful things between them. Some of their needs are met together. Some other major ones aren't. I watch them and wonder why they couldn't accept the limitations of their relationship and love other people as well? Why only sex with others?
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Old 12-01-2009, 03:14 AM
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Do they consider themselves poly or swingers rolypoly?
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  #26  
Old 12-01-2009, 04:28 AM
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I'm not actually sure, to be honest with you. I don't think I've ever asked that question directly. I'm pretty sure 'D' considers herself a swinger, so to speak, because she's pretty specific about what she likes and it's not loving more than one woman.
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  #27  
Old 12-01-2009, 08:34 AM
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Originally Posted by rolypoly View Post
I watch them and wonder why they couldn't accept the limitations of their relationship and love other people as well? Why only sex with others?
I was wondering as that might help you answer this question for yourself. Perhaps if you talk about it with them they will not only answer it for themselves but find some meaning in it all for themselves too.
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Old 12-01-2009, 02:03 PM
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Default Why Only sex ?

Roly - you asked a valid question when you said "Why sex only?"
But don't we all really know the answer to that.
Really ?
From what we've seen and thought about the answer is pretty clear in it's mechanics. Philosophically of course it's not so easy.
Mechanically - "love" is risky. Dangerous. You can become damaged in ways that medical science can't heal. Opening your heart to people opens you to those risks. Not a lot of people make to their 20s or beyond without some "heart wounds". Reluctant to risk that again.
The "sex" is simple. It's ONLY sex. That's a saying we've spouted many times ourselves. The risks are easier to identify. The means of avoiding those risks are pretty well documented. There is at least "some" hope of healing if it goes bad. It just seems safer waters for most - so - they're willing to go there. And some people are really good at walling themselves off (emotionally) from others.
But then - some aren't. And down deep, some don't really want to.
So the "fear" - or the "opportunity" - depending on the person still remains.
I guess our beliefs are that "sex" can be a powerful gateway for SOME people - maybe one of the only ways they are capable of opening up. And for that reason we're more reluctant than some to jump to outright condemnation of what most may term "recreational" sex.
Some other people may cling more rigidly to a more philosophical, more ideological perspective. We see that evidenced here in this thread. That's "their" truth. And that's ok - as long as it harms no one.
But there's not only one "truth" in the world. And it seems key to us that acknowledging that, even embracing it, in a sincere & loving fashion, is the path we're trying to walk.
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  #29  
Old 12-01-2009, 02:59 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rolypoly View Post


I am 'D's lover, as far as she's concerned. I don't feel unwanted, unloved or anything, but my feelings for her are stronger than hers for me. It bothers me to watch the two of them argue over unmet needs with each other. There are some wonderful things between them. Some of their needs are met together. Some other major ones aren't. I watch them and wonder why they couldn't accept the limitations of their relationship and love other people as well? Why only sex with others?
Because sometimes one just wants sex! The Zipless Fuck TM (Erica Jong).

My longest term lover, besides my SO, is a young guy, FWB (friend w benefits), mostly NSA (no strings attached). He's really cute, funny, respectful, smart, but doesnt have time to be someone's bf right now (he's going to school and working). We get along well, but aren't really in the same headspace or life situation to Love each other with a capital L. He's a good kid and a creative satisfying lover and that's good enough for me! We see each other abt once a month. I'd like more of him, but it is fun to anticipate our infrequent meetings all month!

I don't go in for fuckbuddies at all tho. Met and dumped a couple who wanted that this year.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
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  #30  
Old 12-01-2009, 10:24 PM
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This is all very interesting.

Quote:
"Why sex only?"
But don't we all really know the answer to that.
I don't! Sex without emotional attachment is painful for me. Life without emotional attachment for that matter is painful for me. So, no it's not obvious to me. I never want sex just for the sake of it. I feel triggerred, hurt, sad and empty. I also don't see the point.

As my friends will attest, I've rarely been one to shy from the risk of love. Although I've been burned, I usually get right back up on the horse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper
I was wondering as that might help you answer this question for yourself. Perhaps if you talk about it with them they will not only answer it for themselves but find some meaning in it all for themselves too.
I think I know what you mean, but I'm not sure I know what you mean.

For 'D', fucking around meets her sexual needs and lends itself to a more stable and rewarding primary relationship. I don't get it. For me, that kind of "swinging" has been the outlet for my unrecognized and unmet poly needs.

This is touching a lot of nerves for me all of a sudden. I'm not sure why...
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