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  #11  
Old 03-29-2012, 08:32 PM
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I only have one partner, but work similarly myself. She feels bad that I don't come to orgasm everytime and I really don't mind at all. Sometimes I really just enjoy the closeness. ^_^ I only wish I could be having that with 3 women! =P Haha.
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  #12  
Old 06-12-2012, 07:39 AM
turtleHeart turtleHeart is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amkronos View Post
now the problem isn't performance, it is i simply don't get off every time. Problem is when that all 3 women feel like they did something wrong when this happens. I say it isn't a big deal, but eventually if I don't get this under control it will be a problem for someone.
If performance is not an issue and you're enjoying yourself, then as others mention, the women may need help to alter their perception that not getting you to ejaculate is a sign of failure. As a male that used to be into Taoist non-ejaculatory techniques, I find the whole experience of sex enjoyable, not just the point of male ejaculation, which may or may not happen each time. I'm still learning to communicate my enjoyment through sounds and movements recognized by my partners as such, and I can imagine that ejaculation is a major sign of things going well, but it needn't be the only one.

Similarly, male ejaculation need not be the end point of sex. Even if performance were an issue, a person can use their hands, mouth, or toys such as vibrators or strap ons.

Last edited by turtleHeart; 06-12-2012 at 07:55 AM.
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  #13  
Old 06-12-2012, 11:43 AM
sweetcrusader sweetcrusader is offline
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I like the suggestion about the toys - especially if/when you are incorporating more BDSM play - nothing like getting beaten to a semi-pulp and then being made to cum endlessly with a toy and then be snuggled into la-la land. Sure, I know that's a lot of work too.

Remember to make time for yourself - what ever that means in your relationships and to be honest with the women - let them know that you're fully enjoying yourself but that orgasm isn't always going to be a part of your sexual interaction.

Last: From my point of view I'd want some reassurance that I'm still sexually attractive and desirable to you - not that one of the other women turns you on to the point of orgasm and that I just don't. Not sure if anyone is feeling that when you mentioned they feel like they're doing something wrong ... balance isn't always easy ...
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  #14  
Old 06-12-2012, 03:48 PM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Sex doesn't have to be swinging from chandeliers all the time, geesh.
As a single person too, I feel this pressure. What with going days without cumming before a hook up, and whatnot. Lately I`ve been feeling a lot like cuddling without hurry, but every time I hook up I feel like I'm in a goddamn porno set. Which I love, but this lifestyle has me feeling some sort affectionate deficit.

Yesterday, I was finally able to have this girl I am casually seeing over and simply cuddle while we did crossword puzzles. <3 I thought I`d have to stamp my foot down and have a touchy conversation (our sex is not the best), but she went along with it and it happened naturally. We fondled, but it didn`t lead to full blown sex and all the pressure to orgasm.

I feel about 8 years younger as a result.
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Last edited by feelyunicorn; 06-12-2012 at 03:57 PM.
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  #15  
Old 06-12-2012, 08:50 PM
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Society really needs to get over the whole "men and women are completely different in every way" crap that has been going on since the beginning of recorded history. There are differences, but really not all that many. Most of it comes from gender roles. Men and women act differently because they're expected to act differently. Confirmation bias plays a part too; if one has expectations about another gender's behavior, they'll remember when they observe someone doing something that falls within those expectations, but dismiss it when they see someone doing something contrary to those expectations. In reality, most perceived differences between men and women exist because people vary as individuals and it has nothing to do with their gender.

As for this issue especially: men are expected to have a higher sex drive than women. On average, men do tend to have a higher sex drive, but there's plenty of overlap and it's meaningless when talking about individuals. If a woman isn't in the mood, whoever wanted to have sex with her may be a little disappointed, but otherwise probably won't think much of it. If a man isn't in the mood, whoever wanted to have sex with him immediately thinks something is wrong because men are always supposed to be in the mood. In reality, whether it is a man or woman, there could be a problem, or they might simply just not be in the mood. Either way, making assumptions isn't going to help anything.

amkronos, it may just be that you're not in the mood after having lots of sex. This is a perfectly valid reason in itself, but can be difficult if your partners don't understand this. Although, it might be worth determining if there's another reason or reasons as well.

You stated that your current sexual activity is 8-12 times a week. What was it like before you were in your current situation? If it was significantly less for a long period of time, you may just be adjusting to a change in activity and need some more time to make the adjustment.

Also, how often do you masturbate? If your answer is less than four times a week, you're not doing it enough. This is important. In fact, I'm putting "How often do you masturbate?" on my business cards once I finish school and become Dr. Xared: Awesome Sex Therapist!

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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I spent a good two years not masturbating and forgetting my own body.
Seriously? Like, not at all? How many people did you murder during those two years?
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  #16  
Old 06-12-2012, 09:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Xared View Post

Seriously? Like, not at all? How many people did you murder during those two years?
I didn't have to masturbate, I was getting laid as much as I needed and some. Those personal moments became a miss. Now I do often and am loving it. I still get enough sex and some. I just make sure I spend time with myself now though.
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  #17  
Old 06-12-2012, 09:22 PM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I didn't have to masturbate, I was getting laid as much as I needed and some. Those personal moments became a miss.
This makes as much sense to me as if someone said "I didn't need to eat for two years because I was doing a lot of cooking." Yeah, the two are related, but doing one doesn't satisfy the need for the other. However...

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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Now I do often and am loving it. I still get enough sex and some. I just make sure I spend time with myself now though.
...apparently, you understand this now.
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  #18  
Old 06-12-2012, 09:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Xared View Post
On average, men do tend to have a higher sex drive
I don't think that is really very true at all. I used to think so (that belief that all men are "like dogs" because of testosterone), but in the nearly two years since coming to this and other poly forums, it has surprised me how many women talk about their male partners having very low sex drives, or at least, lower sex drives than they do. In comparison, it seems a lot less men talk about their female partners having lower sex drives. Probably any stereotype in this area is bound up in social morés.
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  #19  
Old 06-12-2012, 10:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Xared View Post
Society really needs to get over the whole "men and women are completely different in every way" crap that has been going on since the beginning of recorded history.
To misquote that infamous book title from a while back, "Men are from Earth, Women are from Earth... deal with it!"
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  #20  
Old 06-12-2012, 10:49 PM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I don't think that is really very true at all. I used to think so (that belief that all men are "like dogs" because of testosterone), but in the nearly two years since coming to this and other poly forums, it has surprised me how many women talk about their male partners having very low sex drives, or at least, lower sex drives than they do. In comparison, it seems a lot less men talk about their female partners having lower sex drives. Probably any stereotype in this area is bound up in social morés.
I meant it's true from a statistical standpoint, which is why I said it's meaningless when talking about individuals. It's a misapplication of statistics.

Let's say that someone invented some sort of scanner that could quantify and measure one's sex drive. (I'll also name the sex drive unit of measurement "Ron Jeremy Units [RJUs] because that amuses me.) This device is then used to scan 10,000 men and 10,000 women and the results are analyzed. The average for women would be something like 95 RJUs and the average for men 105 RJUs. Meaning, on average, men have a higher sex drive.

Things like this have some purpose when doing science, but are pretty much irrelevant for practical purposes. From the above fake study, the histogram of the results would look something like this:



Yes, it shows that men have a higher sex drive than average, but it also shows that there's plenty of overlap. Most people would fall in the purple area. When taken as a whole the sex drive of men is higher, but there's so little difference between the two groups that it serves no practical purpose.

In actual studies done on this subject the bell curves are a little further apart, but it shows a large area of overlap as well. The Ron Jeremy Scanner doesn't actually exist, so surveys have to be used. In surveys like this men tend to overstate things and women understate things. My made up graph is probably closer to reality than the actual surveys show, but there's no way to determine that scientifically.

The problem is that people take surveys like this and interpret them without understanding them. They see the blue and red areas, say "men want sex more than women," and then they're done with it. What the study actually shows is that there isn't a significant difference between men and women when it comes to sex drive.

Misinterpreting statistics causes other problems as well. I'm sure everyone has heard at some point "Men hit their sexual peak at 19 and women at 35." It's actually crap. The study that "fact" is from didn't take into account that men around their early 20s are the most full of crap when talking about their sexual experiences and that women in their 30s are more comfortable talking about theirs than are younger women.

Also, a study I conducted just now shows that I put a lot of effort into going off on tangents when posting on forums.
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