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  #21  
Old 06-12-2012, 04:06 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenMom View Post
As I said in my post though, my kids are very young and don't question such things.
I think that makes a HUGE difference. When they are young, there is no need to explain. Things just are and have always been that way. However, they are dealing with teenagers, where moving, even just 3 blocks away, is reason for massive drama. Most little kids deal with change in their parents lives quite well as do older kids that are ready and itching to move out on their own. With teenagers, especially teenage girls, it's more "Why are you doing this to ME? I'm so embarrassed", etc as if the sole purpose in what your doing is just to "ruin their life".

Last edited by SNeacail; 06-12-2012 at 07:32 PM.
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  #22  
Old 06-12-2012, 04:47 PM
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I think honesty is best. I was raised by a single mom and she always let us know she was dating. When we got older (mid teens) we knew more about her sex life, but we had an idea about her being "romantic" before then. I remember I was 9 when I found out my mother was pregnant with me when she married my father, and I was upset -- but I think the fact that it had been treated like a deep dark secret played into that.

I don't know, maybe this is why I have always chosen to be childfree, but I would not let children "run" my household with their hysterics. Personally, I think children today are way too spoiled and treated like such fragile beings. Yes, get them counseling if needed, and be compassionate, but I think it's still important that they face reality and not live in illusions.

If I were you, I would sit down with all of them, and your wife, everyone together and explain that this is "grown-up stuff" that they won't completely understand, and they don't have to like it, but it is your personal life and one important thing they need to know is that your having a gf is about having more love in your life, not taking it away from them or your wife. I would give them space to voice their fears and concerns and address the ideas they have about what a family is, but really, they have to stop throwing tantrums and feeling sorry for themselves. There are kids out there who have much rougher stuff to deal with - maybe have a family "count our blessings" session every night before bed, and everyone talks about things they're grateful for. It couldn't hurt.
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  #23  
Old 06-12-2012, 05:40 PM
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nouryia nouryia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
If I were you, I would sit down with all of them, and your wife, everyone together and explain that this is "grown-up stuff" that they won't completely understand, and they don't have to like it, but it is your personal life and one important thing they need to know is that your having a gf is about having more love in your life, not taking it away from them or your wife. I would give them space to voice their fears and concerns and address the ideas they have about what a family is, but really, they have to stop throwing tantrums and feeling sorry for themselves. There are kids out there who have much rougher stuff to deal with - maybe have a family "count our blessings" session every night before bed, and everyone talks about things they're grateful for. It couldn't hurt.

I agree with Nycindie here... I know as parents we want to put our kids first always, but so long as you're still taking care of them and giving them all the love, support and attention they need, there should still be room for you and your spouse to have the relationships you want/need in your life. You can take it slow, give the kids some time to adjust, but don't let them guilt you into giving up a part of yourself that makes you happy.
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  #24  
Old 06-13-2012, 09:13 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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This is why these forums are so great you get such a deverse range of opinion.

I read the story ...looked at the history ..not knowing if the children are prone to the dramatic but assumed that not to be the case because the parent wouldn't have been concerned enough to write the thread. Given the time and the continued emotional outburst clearly the kids are suffering...the op thinks they are suffering and looking for some guidance. I saw kids having there worlds rocked every so often ....looking for stability.

What you got was the full spectrum ...stop ...the kids mental health come first...moderate..... look into professional help ....to ...tough shit adults come first ...spoiled fucking brats shouldnt run your private life..... no room hysterical behavior in this house hold. God damn kids these days. Tough love.


Good luck. Let us know what happens.
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  #25  
Old 06-14-2012, 04:57 AM
Pretzels Pretzels is offline
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Weird that no one brought up anything around this:

Quote:
We are former LDS/Mormon (so yeah, on top of societal and cultural programming, and having lived all their lives in a mono-mindset, there's vestiges of religious expectations likely floating around too -- though these are never expressed by us or them).
Unfortunately, getting into history of alternative family structures being sanctioned by religions is a little deep for the younger ones and the older one is seemingly OK with the situation....

I don't have kids and don't have parents who are poly, at least not openly. However, I did grow up with parents who have had a mutual male friend around our family for years. I almost kind of wish my mother and him did have more than a platonic relationship because he's a really great guy and has helped keep her sane around my crazy father for almost four decades now.

It's good to get them to talk about their feelings and to reassure them that their family isn't disintegrating and that there's a safe harbor for them. And, yeah, maybe it was even a bit selfish to think that the dynamic you're comfortable with would be instantly OK with them.

Beyond that, maybe there's a chance here for the kids to build their own relationships with your girlfriend (if she is that important and potentially lasting to your own life, that is). The lemonade that could be made from this situation is another strong female role model for your younger daughters - perhaps an auntie they can do things with that are separate and distinct from how they spend time with your wife and their mother. The more they see and experience her as an addition rather than a replacement, the better chance you have for this working, I think.

The other thing I'd suggest is seeking out the counseling, meeting groups, social networks of an area LGBTQXYZ resource. At the ages of your three youngest, it is a precious few kids who are OK with being different from their peers much less being strong enough to endure it and grow. Maybe the people they need to talk with right now are other kids their age or slightly older who can tell them some "perks" to the situation or give them some coping strategies for dealing with having to go underground a little when talking about their family experience with others.

Good luck and be strong. You've opened this box and, while things are still flying out of it, hope can be really hard to spot waiting in the bottom.
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  #26  
Old 06-14-2012, 06:28 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I was just inform by a fairly reliable source that Gary chapman the love language guru has written a similiar book for kids. I was under the impression this explores the relationship between child and parent in which case this might be a very low cost first step. At the very least worth checking out.
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  #27  
Old 06-15-2012, 07:51 AM
turtleHeart turtleHeart is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LotusesandRoses View Post
I suspect Unitarians would also be poly-friendly.
This article would support that: http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2...st-church.html

I was involved with a UU group on campus as a college student and found them to be a nice cuddly bunch, and while the youth minister was great, she recommended against being polyamorous, but wasn't hostile to it.
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