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Old 06-12-2012, 03:19 PM
poeticwatcher poeticwatcher is offline
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 5
Question Poly woman in relationship with Mono-leaning Man

First post of a long time lurker. Some brief details about myself. I have a partner I live with (life-long commitment thing). Two male lovers. And a couple I am cuddle & rope play partners with. I am involved in the local Kink/ BDSM community, my main interest is rope bondage.

So, the situation I am in... One of my lovers is a mono-leaning man, I met him through the local rope group in March and struck up a conversation with him shortly after via Fetlife. We spent a lot of time talking. As he wants to explore the dominant side of his personality, and I identify as a submissive or bottom to some degree, we came to an agreement to explore rope bondage and a few other aligning BDSM interests. Some of those interests are sexual in nature (which for brief clarity, I personally define as acts which involve sexual genital in some fashion and/or orgasms).

(approximately one month later) When this gentleman and I agreed to start as relationship as Top (him) and bottom (myself), he mentioned that there is a young woman he's been attracted to for quite some time and while he had not yet had the gumption to approach her and ask if she feels the same way (ie: pursuing a relationship), he said that such might occur in the future. Which I without much questioning at the time said I was groovy with.

Well, about three weeks ago, he finally had the gumption to lay out all his feelings to this woman, ask her to give it some thought and get back to him on if she felt the same way or not. He told me the same day that depending upon her answer, the amount of interaction in our relationship may change. Specifically in the sense that, if this woman is interested in a monogamous relationship, all sexually related play inbetween myself and this gentleman will end. That is his feelings on the matter, and he has not indicated a desire to champion or fight for the sexual side of our relationship.

He has told this woman about his involvement in the Kink/ BDSM community and that he has a Top/bottom relationship with myself in terms of rope bondage, but has not yet shared with her that there is a sexual component to our interactions. He is of the opinion that it is none of her business until she indicates that she is indeed interested in pursuing a relationship with him, at which point, they will discuss monogamy vs polyamory and he will inform her of the fact that his interactions with me do currently include sexual ones.

I feel like I am in some bizarre flip-flop of the whole 'veto concept' that many newly open relationships try to (foolishly?) carry as one of the rules.

I understand I can not change other people. I see my options as thus:

(a) end the relationship with my Top entirely
(b) end all sexual interactions with my Top; and fall back on those interactions that while intimate (imho) and requiring of large amounts of trust are not inherently sexual
(c) continue relationship as is, enjoy what can be enjoyed, salvage fallout if fallout should occur.

I am not really fond of option (a); as it may turn out this woman has no interest in pursuing a relationship with my Top at all... or she may be cool with polyamory, I do not know. I have not met her. And I am not sure if my Top has broached even just the topic of polyamory with her-- I am inclined to believe he has not yet.

I am not really sure what to choose in between options (b) and (c)... I really enjoy the sexual interactions that have happened; if they stopped and this woman is not interested, maybe they could be resumed... ???

(sorry for TL;DR) Any advice would appreciated... I definitely feel like I got on the bizarro train somewhere. I think I finally understand why some polyamorous people say they won't date other poly or poly-leaning people...
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