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  #1  
Old 06-10-2012, 06:54 PM
persephone persephone is offline
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Default Breakups and loyalty from friends

This could, I suppose, be a mono issue as well, but polyamory complicates it.

I had a very difficult relationship end a couple of years ago because my partner was very obviously lying to me about some matters of principle. The situation included a female metamour whom I know for a fact tried to sabotage my relationship with our mutual boyfriend, and almost certainly incited him in the lying, hoping to cause discord between us. While I have long since moved on, and so has he, I believe, the situation is still very uncomfortable because my ex cut off all communication with me, to the point where he won't even respond to a "hello" in a social situation. I dread seeing the two of them, but sometimes I have no choice, unless I want to avoid certain social events that are important to me. Weirdly, former metamour never wanted to attend these events regularly when I was in the relationship too, but now she never misses one.

I have reached out to my ex several times virtually over the years, hoping to at least salvage something from the wreckage. I'm talking just civil and friendly-ish, I would never consider getting back together with someone who lied to me that much. He has ignored me every time, and I have long since given up on that. I suspect, although cannot be certain, that the D/s relationship he has with my former metamour means he won't talk to me because he is afraid of displeasing his dominant.

I also have a female friend whom up until my breakup was friendly with both me and my ex and metamour. (I introduced her to them.) She knew about everything they did and advised me to end the relationship long before it did. She made it clear to me that she was disgusted with ex's dishonesty. After the breakup, I was surprised and upset that she continued to see both of them socially, knowing what they had done. I cut her some slack because she was fairly new in the area and was still building her circle of friends. I did feel less close to her, knowing that she was still hanging out with both ex and metamour, but I tried not to let that affect my relationship with her.

I recently invited my friend into a social group I am in that I thought she would enjoy. The way the group works is that you get nominated for membership by an existing member and once you are "in," you receive invitations to the events, which are hosted in a small private home. She completed the joining process and thanked me. Four days later I discovered that she had invited my former metamour into the group as well.

I now feel extremely betrayed by my friend and am questioning if we even are friends. I know for a fact that she is not close to my former metamour, she told me recently that she had not seen her, or my ex, in months. It feels like she is trying to ram these people down my throat, for what purpose, I do not know. She is well aware of how uncomfortable I am in their presence. Since the events are in such a small space, I would probably opt out of attending any that former metamour signed up for too, which could effectively mean that I no longer participate in the group.

My instinct here is to distance myself from the friend who did this, stop inviting her to parties, stop making plans with her. I feel like I can no longer trust her. My husband disagrees.

Thoughts?
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Old 06-11-2012, 03:33 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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On what grounds does he think you should continue inviting her to parties?
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Old 06-11-2012, 03:43 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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I doubt that I would have cut her the generous slack you did initially. And I would, were I in your shoes, drop her like a hot potato.
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Old 06-11-2012, 04:13 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Have you talked to her about this? I think that if you have not, you should.

If you have, then I would totally distance myself (completely) from her. No point in putting yourself in more awkward situations.
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Old 06-11-2012, 09:04 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I'd be really bothered by that, but my first act would be to ask them why they invited my ex-metamour to a small group event that I attended when they knew I had an acrimonious relationship with them. You might want to stay open minded, as you may hear some things you weren't expecting that make you think about if there are some changes YOU need to make. You might just find out your friend is inconsiderate or oblivious.

At the same time (if you think the people who host the event want to have only people who will get along swimmingly at it) I may send a note to the people in charge of inviting others or not and ask to talk to them about the nomination of said ex metamour. It seems odd to invite or be attempting to vet a new person into a group when you've only been a member for a few days and haven't met everybody else yet.
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Old 06-11-2012, 11:37 AM
persephone persephone is offline
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NovemberRain, I may just take your advice here! WhatHappened, husband just doesn't want to lose friends and is always inclined to make allowances and excuses for anyone he is fond of.

Anneintherain and km34, I have generally avoided discussing the ex and the metamour with my friend since she told me in no uncertain terms that she planned to be like "Switzerland" and not take sides. I have definitely told her, not so long ago, that being around them makes me pretty uncomfortable. I also remember a conversation where I complained about some mutual acquaintances being suddenly unfriendly to me after the breakup and asked her if ex and metamour were somehow trying to ruin my reputation with them and others. Friend said she knew nothing about this.

The event I have seen ex and metamour at is a large, twice-yearly event, where it is fairly easy to avoid being in the same room with them 99 percent of the time. The gathering in question this time takes place monthly in a two-bedroom apartment, where there is pretty much one small space that we sit in. It also has a slight New Age-y focus, including a ritual where we join hands in a circle. It's mostly an all-women's event, it would most likely be just my former metamour there, not my ex, which is something, but she disturbs me far, far more than he does.

I would say that my friend has no reason to believe my discomfort with ex and former metamour has lessened. Why would it? Nothing has changed about the situation.

I don't feel like I can talk to her right now. I am too hurt over this. I do know my husband wrote to her and asked her just what the heck she thought she was doing here. We are awaiting her response.

I HAVE spoken to the hostesses of the gathering and told them that I do not feel safe at a small-space event with former metamour. They are supposedly thinking over the situation. I do not know them well at all, I am new to the group, so I don't expect them to necessarily do what I want. I know they want this event to be very inclusive, especially because part of its purpose is providing networking opportunities for one of the hostesses, who runs some sort of personal coaching business.

Last edited by persephone; 06-11-2012 at 11:48 AM.
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Old 06-12-2012, 12:00 AM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by persephone View Post
The gathering in question this time takes place monthly in a two-bedroom apartment, where there is pretty much one small space that we sit in. . . I HAVE spoken to the hostesses of the gathering and told them that I do not feel safe at a small-space event with former metamour. They are supposedly thinking over the situation. I do not know them well at all, I am new to the group, so I don't expect them to necessarily do what I want.
I had a circle of friends who met weekly; I was the new girl, but I did stick with them for a couple of years. Things got complicated with two members, romantically speaking, before I understood I was probably poly/what that could mean in practice. I pretty much asked the hostess to help me not get so badly hurt by keeping me in the loop.

Found out one of the guys I liked had gone back to his ex when they showed up together. That was pretty hard, especially when I asked the hostess how long she'd known and just didn't tell me. But what broke my trust with the lot of them was getting screamed at by the other guy's ex over something innocuous--a woman, mind you, who none of them particularly liked behind her back--and none of them cared. That was the "screw y'all" moment.

Quote:
I know they want this event to be very inclusive, especially because part of its purpose is providing networking opportunities for one of the hostesses, who runs some sort of personal coaching business.
Oh, lovely. Icing on the cake. No, I don't think you should stay involved with these people, even if your husband does. They sound like an unfortunate, socially maladroit lot.
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Old 06-12-2012, 04:24 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovefromgirl View Post
Oh, lovely. Icing on the cake. No, I don't think you should stay involved with these people, even if your husband does. They sound like an unfortunate, socially maladroit lot.
Bonus points for 'maladroit': LIKE
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with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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Old 06-12-2012, 05:41 AM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Quote:
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Bonus points for 'maladroit': LIKE
Polyamorous and polysyllabic. I'm a real catch.
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  #10  
Old 06-18-2012, 10:01 PM
persephone persephone is offline
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Update on the situation:

The hostess of the gathering, whom I have only met once, listened to my concerns about former metamour respectfully. Then she went to my supposed friend and asked for more information about metamour and the situation. Friend apparently told her some version of "Don't listen to persephone, former metamour is just fine and dandy and will be a credit to your group." The hostess then got back to me and said that she did not feel she could reasonably bar someone from the group on my say-so. I don't find this unreasonable, since the hostess and I barely know each other. (She doesn't know my friend any better though.)

So, my friend knows that I raised the issue with the hostess. In addition, I know that my husband has written to friend multiple times this past week, pointing out how the situation looks to just about anyone else, and asking her to contact me to talk about it. She has not. I think husband may be having second thoughts now about us continuing to invite her to parties, etc.

I don't feel like I can do anything at this point than consider her a non-friend. This makes me sad. I used to think we were very close. I'm also sad that I can't attend the event when metamour goes, and I am sure she will go. It's just too small a physical space for me to be comfortable with a toxic and hostile person in the room.

Thanks for everyone's input here.

Last edited by persephone; 06-18-2012 at 10:06 PM.
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