Weekend O' Dates
I headed into the city on Friday after work, primped and preened with more luggage for the weekend than I had brought with me for my two week trip to Europe last year. I always know I'm nervous by the amount of shoes that I pack - three pairs of boots, a pair of heels and my running shoes made it almost a red alert. I arrived at my hotel (thanks for the deal, Shatner, I love you priceline!) and was swept into a world of fantasy and luxury; luggage transported magically to my room after I checked in, car tucked away under the towering glass and steel of my hotel by the valet. I settled in, unpacking and freshening up before txting Ranger to let him know that I had made it through the snarl of traffic and arrived with a little time to spare before we were supposed to meet. He told me of his imminent arrival, and I finished fussing about until he arrived, joking that he had some "stuff" to bring up to the room (pomegranates, duct tape and large stuffed animals according to his txts, to which I replied, "Typical Friday night for me....")
He arrived, and I could feel his nervousness at five feet. We fell into each other's arms, mouths devouring the space between us over the past couple of weeks, his eyes both soft and penetrating, mouth curling into a smile as he told me how much he had missed me and how nice it was to be in the same space as me again.
He put a large duffel bag on the desk and returned to me, more making up for our time apart, talking through our kisses, laughter rocking the nervousness out of our bodies. He told me that I was so beautiful, complimented my dress, and generally just made me squirmy with feeling appreciated and desirable. He pulled out presents for me - a beautiful bottle of red and a large box of handmade truffles, as well as a pair of speakers (he had told me that he was busy crafting a playlist for us last week). Hand in hand we headed down into the lobby, all of my 5'5" dwarfed by his 6'3", finding the right ways for our fingers to lock into each other. We headed down the street, my little legs flying to keep up with his easy giant strides and us joking about it as he kept trying to slow down to accommodate my short self. We arrived at the restaurant that he had chosen/made reservations at, and were seated immediately. Sexy and simple Asian style tapas and delicious tangy ginger cocktails arrived after we smiled our way through co-ordering. We each chose one menu item, and then secretly chose two to see if either of our extra choices would overlap, which of course one did.
The conversation was fluid and open. I am constantly awestruck at how intimate Ranger is with me - how vulnerable and connected we are with each other without even trying. It's just there - that solid bond between us that comes from active and sharp minds and open hearts. Long spells of monogamy have protected him from the brutality of heartbreak and it shows. We talk of our loves, our life and our ideas/ideals in life. I find myself gaping at him openmouth as he seemingly reads from the transcripts of my thoughts over the last week - my struggles with E. being with Sync mirrored in his struggles with his wife being with her lover for the first time around Christmas of last year. My heart melds to his a little more in our shared grief and sadness, but I take comfort and feel joy to see how happy he is for her now and feel my heart bond with E. in the same moments.
We finish our meal, light and perfect and head out into the cool light of the early evening. I insist on walking slower this time and we head back to the hotel. We share chocolates and open the bottle of wine - he finds the corkscrew but not the wine glasses, and fills tumblers from the bathroom up for us, which makes me laugh. We lay back and talk and sip and savour and kiss. No awkwardness left now.
From there, our bodies unfold into each other, immersed in the slow honey of sensuality and total intimacy. His eyes lock into mine - there is nowhere else he wants to look and I am equally entranced. His eyes are this insane light blue, icy and perfect fringed with soft blonde lashes. He is so tall that I can kneel on the bed and kiss him as he kneels on the floor. He literally scoops me up with one arm and moves me easily. His body is sculpted marble - muscles everywhere, every inch of him hard to my soft. Desire rises up in me like a snake, and he groans at stockings and lace garters - a treat for him that he doesn't see much of by his reaction. He is so gentle but perfectly firm with me, and I am split open with wanting by the time that he enters me, again, eyes locked into my soul.
Three and a half hours later we come out of the fog of each other, so high on sex that we can barely talk. Reverence and love are there, a softness and quiet knowledge that we have tapped into something unique in this world by finding each other. He is so sad to leave - his babysitter expires at 12:30 and his little ones lie sleeping in their beds unknowingly awaiting him. His txts come in a flurry as soon as he leaves and continue for over an hour before I am too tired to keep my eyes open anymore. I wake to more txts from him and my mouth is curled into a smile before my eyes are even focused on the tiny words on my screen.
He is burned into my memory, and he has already given me a piece of his heart. I don't even question it - have found love like this in my life before - easy and uncomplicated, unfettered in its vulnerability and beauty. I nestle into that without expectation, or needing anything else, just ecstatic to have it in my life.
Something in me has woken up again. Ranger txts me that he has never been with such a sensual lover in his life, finding himself cursed with awkward teenaged erections - so cute and sexy all at once!
Where will I end up in all of this, I wonder? The struggle and agony of the previous weekend, the utter joy in this past one. I feel lost in the pendulum of such violently opposite emotions. I knew that I needed to connect with Ranger and Mischief (there's a whole other story for another time - our 14 1/2 hour day/night date, no sleepover followed by brunch the next day.... to come another time) before I would know if it was "worth it" to continue forward.
I worry - worry at my tenuous heart, my past indecision in poly that has led me away from my core relationship. I worry about what is happening in my life with E., where this will take us. I wonder if it's worth it. My heart is so good at loving, my body adept at lovemaking and bonding with those that I feel connected with. It's not a struggle to love more than one person - it's like drinking water. Sharing E. did not come so easily for me, and my bitterness with S is like sucking on dandelions still. At present the horndog/lover in me is like "Oh yes, we should definitely continue with this," and the princess in me loves the spoiling and fun of going out on dates. The curious part of me is enamoured with new experiences and getting to truly know new men in a way that I had all but written off.
I love E. He is the centre of my heart and the centre of my life. I certainly feel like I have the capacity to be more generous in regards to Sync and him now that I have trysts of my own to look forward to/back on in those tough moments. I feel more trusting of his heart while looking at mine in a similar situation now.
I suppose it's my struggle in life. To be present, to not get ahead of myself or try to peer into the crystal ball of my suppositions. I just want to sink into this reality and live it - want to trust both of us to honour our own relationship and find a way for all things to be at once. I don't want to struggle and fight anymore - and we have done so much struggling and fighting in our relationship. I want peace, and I need it to be consistent. E. and I are fundamentally different people, and I want to believe that this won't tear us apart as I connect in new, less abrasive ways with other lovers. I ache for peace after tumultuous years of butting heads and finding anger with each other. I look at his face yesterday, and my soul is so quiet - all of that love and history bonding us together in a hundred thousand ways.
I wonder. At the beauty and terror so mixed up they are almost indiscernible at times. Oh poly, how you rock rock rock my world and mind.
Last edited by BaggagePatrol; 06-11-2012 at 09:47 PM.
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