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  #1  
Old 06-09-2012, 12:53 PM
sweetcrusader sweetcrusader is offline
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Default Lies, Confusion, Fear

Hi,
I'm new to the board - I joined earlier this week and have been reading and trying to understand what I really came here for - which is multifaceted.

My main thing now is recovering from lies. We're both in counseling and we are seeing a counselor together for couples therapy. This relationship is very important for us but we've got some hurdles.

1 - history of dishonesty
2 - distance (he moved about a 2 hour plane trip away)

His way of handling conflict is to hide from it. Mine is to barrel through and process it and sometimes drive us all nuts in the process which makes him consider hiding from it which makes me barrel through all the more like a truck with a plan. You get the picture - It can be a whirlpool pulling us under.

WHEW! that was a lot to get to my question:

For those of you who have felt that fear of it's a lie or another piece of dishonesty - How do you deal with it? My fear gets me into 3-alarm fire mode. My fight or flight response is strong and I am looking for coping techniques that I may be able to use to take that deep breath, recognize what we have and maybe distance myself for a bit before I discuss it.
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  #2  
Old 06-10-2012, 11:42 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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One thing that I'm not clear about - have the lies been from one side, or have you both been lying to each other?

Also, has there been cheating in the mix too? If so, who cheated on whom?

The answers to this kind of make a difference to how I think this should be approached.
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Old 06-11-2012, 01:09 AM
sweetcrusader sweetcrusader is offline
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He lied to me and he cheated on me.

We are doing much better with our communication on both sides and we are working through things but, every now and then the fear strikes me like a dagger. I don't want to feel that sharpness anymore. I want to feel confident and bold and loved.

Together we're trying to figure out what will give me those positive feelings and I just read the link about the love bank and want to share that with him.
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Old 06-11-2012, 02:54 AM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Well, it takes a lot of work on HIS part to start making deposits in the love bank again - you're not going to just "get over it" without his actions. You need to get a feeling that he is following through with consistent actions.

Are you in counselling together, or each individually?
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Old 06-11-2012, 03:27 AM
CautiousLoops CautiousLoops is offline
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My partner of 6 years has a history of lying to me. He was raised to believe that any way you could get out of conflict, get out. That included lying. He has admitted to me that he has lied most his life. Not all the time big things, sometimes little things - but lying nonetheless. Vicious cycle.


Over the course of our relationship he has lied to me about women many times. This, obviously, has created a lot of problems and trust issues over the years. It got the the point that I would have evidence (emails, texts, etc) and would be showing them to him and he would still try got get out of it, regardless that the evidence was in my hand. We just had another incident a little over a month ago that just almost did it for me, i.e. I thought I should end the relationship. I am a VERY open, honest person. I do not judge, and I always encourage honesty. Not getting that honesty, for me (& probably anyone) can be very tough and hurtful, as well as confusing & frustrating.

When I get those "what if he's lying.." thoughts, I have to remind myself that A. I stayed in this relationship. What I mean is, I have to work through these feelings because I made the decision to stay and work through them. I could have just left the relationship and moved on but I didn't. I stayed & made the decision to move on and trust him so I have to figure out ways to turn off the negative thoughts. B. For the most part I HAVE to tell myself "OK. You have to trust him. You have to. Give him the benefit of the doubt until you have 100% reason not to", i.e. evidence. I do not snoop, I do not ask 37462 questions or check texts or emails or anything of that nature. I think that only breeds mistrust because you are trying so hard to find something that you're only creating a bigger problem. There has to be a point where you start trusting again.


That being said, it takes two to make this work. He has to be willing to calm you and make sure you know what is going on. He needs to be able to confront your fears and make you feel better about them. By no means do I mean berating him with questions or accusations, but if you are feeling a little insecure I think its good to voice it and work through it together. Letting things fester never solves anything and only breeds resentment and anger.

I know what you are going through. Its real tough. It takes a strong person to remain in a relationship where trust has been shattered numerous times. However, you are still in it & if you work at it you will reach that point where you say "OK, were in a good place. I feel secure - Im letting this argument go and moving on". Im not big on "if its meant to be, it will" because I really feel like everything in a relationship (or relationships) requires work. Keep it open and honest, communicate as much as possible without being suffocating and you will move forward. Good luck.
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Old 06-11-2012, 12:27 PM
sweetcrusader sweetcrusader is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
Well, it takes a lot of work on HIS part to start making deposits in the love bank again - you're not going to just "get over it" without his actions. You need to get a feeling that he is following through with consistent actions.

Are you in counseling together, or each individually?
We've been in counseling individually and will start couples this week - but will only be able to do that about monthly as that is when I am in his town and we've decided that it will be easier to have our joint counselor there. I tend to visit there slightly more (especially in the summer) because of work and because the plan is for me to move there.

He is working on the love deposits - Thanks for the comments.
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Old 06-11-2012, 12:32 PM
sweetcrusader sweetcrusader is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CautiousLoops View Post
My partner of 6 years has a history of lying to me. He was raised to believe that any way you could get out of conflict, get out. That included lying. He has admitted to me that he has lied most his life. Not all the time big things, sometimes little things - but lying nonetheless. Vicious cycle.

That being said, it takes two to make this work. He has to be willing to calm you and make sure you know what is going on.

I know what you are going through. Its real tough. It takes a strong person to remain in a relationship where trust has been shattered numerous times. However, you are still in it & if you work at it you will reach that point where you say "OK, were in a good place. I feel secure - Im letting this argument go and moving on". (snip)... Good luck.
Thank you.
I think this is a lot of our issue - I was shocked when I met his father who is a wonderful, thoughtful and interesting man who is at the point of believing all the lies about his life. It showed me some of the modeling he had as a child.

His marriage was built on that premise of keeping things "happy" by not being honest. So we are both working on things and thank you for reminding me that it takes strength on my side to be where I am too. I love him dearly.

The main thing that I needed to understand was that he wasn't lying to get away from me (which is what my ex did) but lying because he wanted to be with me and was afraid of what it may mean.

I continue to practice patience, understanding but not closing my eyes to something that is questionable.
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Old 06-11-2012, 07:10 PM
CautiousLoops CautiousLoops is offline
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Sweetcrusader I think you make a great point when you said "The main thing that I needed to understand was that he wasn't lying to get away from me (which is what my ex did) but lying because he wanted to be with me and was afraid of what it may mean." I think the root of the lying makes all the difference. One of the reasons I HAVE stayed with my boyfriend over all this time and BS is because I truly do believe that he is a good person. I know he wants whats best for us, he just has no idea how to convey those messages AND if there is ever a problem, he just has learned to lie about it rather than confront. That is a constant struggle with us. Its a very hard process to break someone of lying. There are constant "what if's" and questions whether I should push harder on topics or not.


Men can be very interesting creatures. & while I do believe a lot of people do hate confrontation and what it might entail, I think its such an important piece of a relationship. It can bring everything into the open and really ease wounded hearts and answer questions otherwise left to fester. hang in there.
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