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  #11  
Old 06-08-2012, 07:38 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
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I think with me it has mostly to do with changes in the dynamic that I find upsetting. I have 2 lovers, and one of them already had another girlfriend when I met him. I've never ever been jealous of her. Part of that is because of who and what he is (extremely clear about his needs, intentions, and affections - no room for interpretation there) but it's also because I accepted the situation like that from the beginning.

My other guy was involved with someone when I met him and she broke up with him. I was upset when they broke up (change of dynamic) and I would be upset now when he meets someone new (again, change of dynamic). But I am changing the dynamics constantly and expect everybody else to be on board. Hm.
Cleo, It sounds to me that maybe "change" is a key issue here for you. When YOU make changes, you are more in control of what may happen. When someone else makes changes, you have less control over what could happen. You talk about how you want reassurance that you still have what you want/need from your other partner(s), even though you probably already have it. How do you deal with change and control in general, outside the poly aspect of your life?? Or perhaps it may only occur within relationship dynamics??
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  #12  
Old 06-11-2012, 08:03 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Originally Posted by dragonflysky View Post
Cleo, It sounds to me that maybe "change" is a key issue here for you. When YOU make changes, you are more in control of what may happen. When someone else makes changes, you have less control over what could happen. You talk about how you want reassurance that you still have what you want/need from your other partner(s), even though you probably already have it. How do you deal with change and control in general, outside the poly aspect of your life?? Or perhaps it may only occur within relationship dynamics??
Yes, change and control, they are definitely the key issues here...

I was with my boyfriend this weekend and we were talking about jealousy, about how he feels about my other relationships (my husband and the lover I see once every couple of weeks). So here am I, married to a wonderful man, with a wonderful lover, talking to my wonderful (single) boyfriend, and then my boyfriend tells me he's been exchanging emails with a woman on a dating site and the moment he says this my heart just turns around in my chest and I can't breathe for a second, knowing FOR SURE (yes I know this is stupid) that the moment he'll meet her, he'll fall out of love with me and prefer her to me. Fortunately it passed quickly, and we were able to talk about it (did I mention he is awesome? )

There are some very deep rooted insecurity issues there. Fear of change, fear of losing control: things that are problematic in other areas of life as well, but the most apparent in love and friendships
I am actually thankful for the poly life in that it is helping me to confront these issues! I would say that insecurity used to be my default setting and feeling strong, secure and independent happened only on occasion.
Now it's the other way around, but nothing like some complicated poly dynamics to call me out on my hidden fears and bring them to the surface!
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