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Old 06-10-2012, 06:54 PM
persephone persephone is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 68
Default Breakups and loyalty from friends

This could, I suppose, be a mono issue as well, but polyamory complicates it.

I had a very difficult relationship end a couple of years ago because my partner was very obviously lying to me about some matters of principle. The situation included a female metamour whom I know for a fact tried to sabotage my relationship with our mutual boyfriend, and almost certainly incited him in the lying, hoping to cause discord between us. While I have long since moved on, and so has he, I believe, the situation is still very uncomfortable because my ex cut off all communication with me, to the point where he won't even respond to a "hello" in a social situation. I dread seeing the two of them, but sometimes I have no choice, unless I want to avoid certain social events that are important to me. Weirdly, former metamour never wanted to attend these events regularly when I was in the relationship too, but now she never misses one.

I have reached out to my ex several times virtually over the years, hoping to at least salvage something from the wreckage. I'm talking just civil and friendly-ish, I would never consider getting back together with someone who lied to me that much. He has ignored me every time, and I have long since given up on that. I suspect, although cannot be certain, that the D/s relationship he has with my former metamour means he won't talk to me because he is afraid of displeasing his dominant.

I also have a female friend whom up until my breakup was friendly with both me and my ex and metamour. (I introduced her to them.) She knew about everything they did and advised me to end the relationship long before it did. She made it clear to me that she was disgusted with ex's dishonesty. After the breakup, I was surprised and upset that she continued to see both of them socially, knowing what they had done. I cut her some slack because she was fairly new in the area and was still building her circle of friends. I did feel less close to her, knowing that she was still hanging out with both ex and metamour, but I tried not to let that affect my relationship with her.

I recently invited my friend into a social group I am in that I thought she would enjoy. The way the group works is that you get nominated for membership by an existing member and once you are "in," you receive invitations to the events, which are hosted in a small private home. She completed the joining process and thanked me. Four days later I discovered that she had invited my former metamour into the group as well.

I now feel extremely betrayed by my friend and am questioning if we even are friends. I know for a fact that she is not close to my former metamour, she told me recently that she had not seen her, or my ex, in months. It feels like she is trying to ram these people down my throat, for what purpose, I do not know. She is well aware of how uncomfortable I am in their presence. Since the events are in such a small space, I would probably opt out of attending any that former metamour signed up for too, which could effectively mean that I no longer participate in the group.

My instinct here is to distance myself from the friend who did this, stop inviting her to parties, stop making plans with her. I feel like I can no longer trust her. My husband disagrees.

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