Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 06-10-2012, 04:59 PM
SunsetMan's Avatar
SunsetMan SunsetMan is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Saskatoon, SK
Posts: 28
Default

Quote:
Have a conversation with her about how you will approach her having feelings for someone else if it happens again. Don't let her off the hook by her saying that it won't happen again. As far as she can see at the moment I'm sure that she believes with all her heart that she won't ever develop feelings for anyone else during your marriage but since in her heart she believes in open relationships (and by extention having feelings for more than one person at a time) I predict that if it happens 5-10-15 years from now she's likely to keep it from you and have an affair if she thinks that the deal is monogamy or she's out.
Good call Derby. We did touch on this but I'll be sure to make it a conversation point.

The other guy is a mutual friend, and we've been pretty mum about this whole situation. I messaged him last night and he's open to starting a dialogue on this topic. This whole thing only went 'real' (ie: all 3 of us know that we ALL know) 9 days ago.

Any advice on how to proceed? My instincts (for all the good they've done me in the past) tell me to just go in with no agenda, let it flow organically and to stay. cool. I may find out that he's not willing to engage in poly with her if he knows I'm gonna be hurt by it and that might be the end of it.

As it stands right now, I will be hurt by even so much as a kiss. She knows that and I think he needs to know that, too. I am definitely OPEN to changing how I Feel about it but I don't know how to do that. I saw a great post here that talked about examining what i'm afraid of and dragging it into the light and taking a good long look at it.

Easier said than done?
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 06-10-2012, 06:53 PM
Arrowbound's Avatar
Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Tri-State
Posts: 275
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SunsetMan View Post
Any advice on how to proceed? My instincts (for all the good they've done me in the past) tell me to just go in with no agenda, let it flow organically and to stay. cool. I may find out that he's not willing to engage in poly with her if he knows I'm gonna be hurt by it and that might be the end of it.
You've given the advice to yourself already! Let it flow is right, don't make any snap judgements, but be honest.


Quote:
Originally Posted by SunsetMan View Post
As it stands right now, I will be hurt by even so much as a kiss. She knows that and I think he needs to know that, too. I am definitely OPEN to changing how I Feel about it but I don't know how to do that. I saw a great post here that talked about examining what i'm afraid of and dragging it into the light and taking a good long look at it.
That's exactly how anything can actively be changed, by you peeling feelings back layer by layer and discovering the cause for said feelings. And deciding what you could do about said cause.

Honestly you're on the right track IMO. I'm glad I read through the thread first before responding because the OP had me really worried for where this was headed.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 06-10-2012, 07:04 PM
SunsetMan's Avatar
SunsetMan SunsetMan is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Saskatoon, SK
Posts: 28
Default

the OP Was made -very- early this morning. I'm in a much better state of mind

Thanks for the empathy and the advice. Undoubtedly, I'll be back, this is far from resolved.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 06-11-2012, 12:11 AM
SunsetMan's Avatar
SunsetMan SunsetMan is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Saskatoon, SK
Posts: 28
Default

New bit of thought.

We need to explore the situation. How is it best that the first meeting with her crush go?

Is it best if he and she meet face to face (long distance thing going on here) and test the water for chemistry? Or would it be better for all 3 of us to get together to discuss ground rules first?

From my perspective, I think it's best if the two of them spend some time together and see if they have that kind of romantic chemistry. Without that, I'm sure that all parties involved will back off without anyone getting hurt (ie: Me)

I'm just not sure if that happens before or after the three of us sit down to establish some preliminary ground rules. (stuff that she and I discussed and agreed on already)
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 06-11-2012, 04:15 AM
Arrowbound's Avatar
Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Tri-State
Posts: 275
Default

Your wife should meet with him first, alone. Since you and her have already discussed and set boundaries, it's on her to establish them with him. Your presence might come off a little...I dunno, like a chaperone?
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 06-11-2012, 05:47 AM
Phy's Avatar
Phy Phy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 605
Default

I have been in the shoes of your wife. Nearly exactly in hers kind of in regard to this situation. I was sure that I had developed feelings for my long time friend, but as our relationship up to that point was purely long distance and I didn't even really know how he looked liked and if I would feel a real physical reaction towards him, we met to make sure of it. There were some strict rules set up for that meeting and we mainly managed to keep it ethically (as there was a real strong connection between us).

So meeting would be my advice as well, but as you are already in the picture (my husband wasn't at that point in time back then) all of you should talk about what is acceptable in terms of 'finding out' about any attraction there might be and what not. They should seek each others company on a every day like basis and see what comes out of it.

One word of warning in general though: You and she seem to be convinced that this will be something that will never be a topic again. But you yourself already classified her as poly/open. There will always be some kind of way for her to develop feelings. Whatever the precautionary measurements may be the two of you may take, there is always a possibility. I have been absolutely happy in my marriage and still, it happened. I am still focused on my husband, but there is another man right next to him. My ability of building a life with a special partner just became widened. And I as well, was convinced that this could never happen.

Wishing you luck and some peace of mind from time to time.
__________________
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

My Blog
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 06-11-2012, 06:39 AM
SunsetMan's Avatar
SunsetMan SunsetMan is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Saskatoon, SK
Posts: 28
Default

Well, there's been a little drama tonight. (enter sarcasm here)

I had my first chat with P (the man she's interested in) on this topic. He seems willing to say a lot to her but stonewalled me with 'IDK man' and 'this is her decision'. My respect for P has plummetted. Not sure if it will recover. He did nothing to try to dissuade her.

So... I couldn't be given any assurances during the chat that certain things (anything physical) wouldn't happen in a face to face.

I. Lost. It.

I bolted from the house in the rain and collapsed against a fence for a short while. I returned and laid my soul bare. I bawled like I've never bawled in my life!

As it turns out, I honestly don't think this is about her being poly at all. She's admitted and warned me about self-destructive trends in her life. (the affair she had with me ended her prior (horriffic!) relationship.

We're supposed to be married in 4 months, and this is looking like a severe case of cold feet.

Essentially, I compared myself and our life together that we have now in a sort-of 'schrodinger's cat' scenario.

I wrote on the piece of paper, the best possible outcome with P. An amazing life with more than a couple of severe repricussions. Splitting our kids up, who are like siblings, hurting me, moving away... and I didn't show her what I had written on it and said "This is the best possible thing that's in the box. You can choose to find out, but you might lose me in doing so."

A Said "Right but if I choose you, I lose what's in the box. I'll go with the box because I might still have a chance with you." (this is what hinted for me that this might be that self-destruction and commitment issues that she warned me about.)

I showed her the note:

'An amazing life with P, with severe consequences'

Then I held up a second note (it was blank) and said. "Ok, that's what the *best* possible outcome is. Now, is opening the box worth possibly worth losing me and our life, our future."

Suddenly she wasn't so sure and made a self-disparaging remark that reinforced my belief that this was self-destruction... and I called her on it.

We talked about it, the cold feet, the commitment issues she's had in the past... and this could be compartmentalized in her head. She admitted that it was a very good possibility.

She still feels the needs to work this out with P. In reality, I think P is a good guy. So we talked more and I got a non-ambiguous commitment from her to find out without letting anything physical happen. I told her that I could give her all the space she needs to figure this out with P, but honestly I think she's going to figure it out on her own. She does that

Her commitment to introspection rather than looking for an external cause makes me happy. Though, she did ask me what I'd do if she came to a conclusion and it wasn't the answer I wanted. I told her that I would fight and fight dirty. I'd tell her why I think she's wrong, give examples, call witnesses :P and make damned sure that she knows why I think we belong together from now until the end of time. We managed to talk though this, tears flowing and emotions raging.

She also admitted that this while thing might be a pre-emptive stike to prevent me from hurting her. I think that claiming to be poly might be another manifestation of a complex defense mechanism that she's created to protect from getting hurt. She doesn't want to commit to me because she's got this notion that being married 'traps' her. I could be wrong, the jury is still out.

It was a great conversation. I think I can make it through tomorrow without collapsing into a heap, at least. I might even eat something.

Also, I think it's time to fold another thousand cranes as a 'thank you' for putting up with me.

So, yeah. Drama.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 06-12-2012, 03:19 AM
Arrowbound's Avatar
Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Tri-State
Posts: 275
Default

This shit is hard man, lol. Seriously. Don't be surprised when you have such intense reactions; this probably won't be the last time you feel overwhelmed and kind of crazy.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 06-12-2012, 04:06 AM
SunsetMan's Avatar
SunsetMan SunsetMan is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Saskatoon, SK
Posts: 28
Default

Well, made it through most of the day without turning into a blubbering idiot! Yay!

I still feel pretty raw, but it was an ok day. Moments of dispair and panic, moments of clarity and vision.

I stepped on the scale today, I'm down 7 pounds in 10 days. Not happy about that but gonna use the momentum to try to get my six pack back

(let's see her try to walk away from THAT!)


Today was slow at work, so I folded 140 origami cranes. Brought home 3 dozen roses. Got sushi take-out. Then A, P and I played an online game for 2+ hours like the good old days.

Feels good, but I'm stil mad at P.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 06-12-2012, 03:38 PM
SunsetMan's Avatar
SunsetMan SunsetMan is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Saskatoon, SK
Posts: 28
Default

Here's a scenario that I'd like to explore a little bit.

What if I give her the green light to have a physical relationship with P.

Presently, I'm not ok with that and our line has been drawn and she's ok (not great, but OK) with it.

On paper, I'm the winner, hands down. We have a fully integrated life, a date for the wedding, we're hyper compatible and we have a long list of adventures/new things to do with each other.

It's going to break my heart to do it and there's no guarantee that once it starts that it's gonna stop. There's no guarantee that we'll ever be able to go back to being friends and if I ask her to cut him out of our lives entirely, that's going to go over... poorly. (massive sarcasm there)

Maybe I'm just second guessing. I want to be OK with her exploring feelings and being happy with P on a friends level... I just see a looming trainwreck for everyone involved if this thing gets physical between A and P.


Ok, just rambling. I think we've made the right call, for now. It's just gonna be 3+ weeks before they can face-to-face. Feels like an eternity.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:20 PM.