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  #11  
Old 06-08-2012, 05:06 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Default Push her off the pedestal

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Originally Posted by neo651 View Post
I do feel she and I are perfect match (more or less, I don't believe in actual "perfection"). And it is possible I could find another match just as good, but honestly, I don't see it happening. I have almost unreasonably high standards and more importantly (and I've never told her this because she'd slap me for how unhealthy it is) I have compared every single woman I've ever dated or been interested in to her. Inevitably, I always use her as the model to decide the worthiness of other women to me and they are always found wanting. It's a big, if not the biggest reason, why my other relationships have all failed.
neo651,

I've bolded some phrases from one of your posts to highlight a concern of mine. It's been my experience that relationships where one person is placed on a pedestal - such as you have done with her - those relationships often struggle to be healthy.

There are often several reasons for this. People who put others on pedestals tend to have poor self-esteem themselves. I see hints of that in your posts.

Also pedestal creators tend to have an unrealistic view of their beloved. I am concerned that you may not really see your love interest in all her complexity and fullness, faults, awesomeness but rather your ideal of her.

You also seem to have an unrealistic expectation of the relationship. You mentioned that your first reaction was that she would be monogamous with you, dump the other guys, and swiftly move to your location. Yes, that was quickly disposed but you knew she had been seeing or living with these other men for some time and that she was poly. This should not have been a surprise or news to you.

Also you are attempting to build this relationship long distance without regular trips to see each other which just makes everything so much harder.

I fear there is signficant unrealistic expections of relationships in general, and of women (especially in comparison with your beloved up on her pedestal).

You do need to sort out your feelings about poly and if it is something you can tolerate to be with her. But I see some deeper issues than 'just' the garden variety 'I'm mono but my partner is poly - now what?' situation. This does not mean you cannot work out a lovely partnership with her - and her partners - and I wish you the best.
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  #12  
Old 06-09-2012, 05:28 AM
neo651 neo651 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
People who put others on pedestals tend to have poor self-esteem themselves. I see hints of that in your posts.
I have very poor self-esteem.

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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
Also pedestal creators tend to have an unrealistic view of their beloved. I am concerned that you may not really see your love interest in all her complexity and fullness, faults, awesomeness but rather your ideal of her.
I do have her on a pedestal. I always have. And I used to see only my ideal of her. But that's no longer true. It took time but I eventually managed to break down the ideal to see the reality of her for all the beautiful aspects but also many many flaws. I have no illusions about who I'm dealing with anymore.

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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
Also you are attempting to build this relationship long distance without regular trips to see each other which just makes everything so much harder.
It is harder. But neither of us can justify moving cross country for this yet. We've only just begun. And I can only afford the one trip per year, and she can't afford it at all. Frankly, it sucks. But there's nothing more either of us can do about it.
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  #13  
Old 06-09-2012, 06:14 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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neo651....I think you're taking on quite the challenge for someone who has "very poor self-esteem". It got me to thinking about the initial email response I sent to the poly guy I met through an online site (not knowing he was poly initially...and not even knowing what polyamory was.) after he told me he was poly and what that meant for him:

I don't see a polyamorus marriage as something I would be evolved enough to seriously consider for myself. Whether it "should"
or "shouldn't"....I believe it would only feed my insecurities. And in feeding my insecurities it could only take from me and any others involved, not add to....or enhance...or contribute to a greater sense of wholeness. That would defeat its very purpose in my mind.


Now in reality, I did go on to do lots of reading and self-exploration because even though I have personal insecurities, I'm also a very loving person in general. We did eventually develop a poly relationship (He already had another partner when we met). Our relationship ultimately did not work out......And much of it was due to him "discovering" that he was very challenged to fit in two relationships, work, child-rearing, personal time, hobbies, etc. And I did...and was...willing to share time with him along with his other partner and family members and friends.
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  #14  
Old 06-10-2012, 04:34 AM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
I remember I always thought it was weird to talk about "best friend" and never understood how people could have one best friend. I have close friends but I say "one of my best friends", there isn't just one above the rest.
Up till this point, I had never considered that it could have something to do with mono/poly points of view. It's an interesting thought.
Tonberry, I was just about to remark on that... even as a child, I could never decide on one! That created more conflict than it quelled. These days, I have a variety of best friends who are bests for good reason. If I had to pick an absolute best? Probably CdM, these days. But he is also my partner, and aside from that we appear to share grey matter.

I count the close friends and call myself blessed for having so many, rather than lamenting that one-best-friend-forever thing that never manifested (er, partner excepted; that's so very different from what I wanted as a little girl).

And knowing I was poly stemmed from a similar understanding of people: how come we pair off? Why not share? I never felt lesser when I considered this, just happy to think that I might be able to participate in a remarkable person's life. Why shouldn't that include romance? You see why the first bit of my love life was an unmitigated disaster.

tl;dr Sounds like the OP is wired mono, hardcore mono. No shame in it, but yeah, maybe this ex should stay an ex.
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  #15  
Old 06-10-2012, 04:44 AM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by neo651 View Post
I do feel she and I are perfect match (more or less, I don't believe in actual "perfection"). And it is possible I could find another match just as good, but honestly, I don't see it happening.
Number of times I have said that upon rejection: several.
Number of times I was right: none.
Rewards for changing my mind about that old chestnut: infinite.

Quote:
I have almost unreasonably high standards and more importantly (and I've never told her this because she'd slap me for how unhealthy it is) I have compared every single woman I've ever dated or been interested in to her.
Been there from both sides. You're right. It is unhealthy to make one person the standard by which you judge all others. Raising your standards is just fine, as long as they don't shut out perfectly good people whose only fault is Not Being Her. I've been the girl on the pedestal and friend, it was misery. I've put others on pedestals and friend? It was even more misery. If you can't shut that down by yourself, discuss it in therapy, because it is a serious interpersonal problem.
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