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Old 06-09-2012, 07:53 PM
missebjb missebjb is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: London
Posts: 2
Question Conflict over hierarchy

Hi all,

I'm new to these forums, so firstly hi!

I'm hoping some of you experienced poly folk could help me out.

I've always been open to the concept of poly, and have always had non-monogamous relationships sexually. However, I'm now in a full-blown poly relationship. My lover/partner/boyfriend (the question of what I call him is part of the problem!) has another partner, who he's been with for a few years. We got together when they had broken up for a while, and they then got back together but in a poly set-up. I knew this might happen and the poly itself was never a problem for me.

The problem is that I think my metamour went back into the relationship thinking that she would be the primary, and I would be secondary, a lover as opposed to a partner. Both me and the guy in question want a set up where we can have as many primaries, secondaries or anything else under the sun as feels right and natural at the time, and we don't want to privilege any relationship over another.

Of course I'm really glad he feels like that - I wouldn't have stuck around if he didn't - but I feel that he's not being totally honest with his partner about what is going on, and how he views the relationship/understands poly altogether. I know she still describes me as a lover. That is fine in some ways, because he uses the term 'lover' to describe both of us as he doesn't like any other term. But I know that for her, lover is distinct to partner which is how she describes their relationship - and I'm not comfortable being defined as secondary to someone else.

Basically, if I know how he feels and this is something I am comfortable to share with my friends, lovers etc, should I keep my nose out of what they say to each other? Or is it my business to know because it might affect my friendship with my metamour?

Sorry if this is long and confusing. I'd just really appreciate some advice on the issue. Just ask if you need clarification on any of this jumbled mess
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conflict, hierarchy, secondary

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