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  #41  
Old 05-25-2012, 05:35 PM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Originally Posted by polypenguin View Post
I feel like someone who is bi-polar. And I feel like she takes every time I mention another person in this relationship out on me. More and more, I feel like she hates me for this.

I don't feel like she trrusts me with anyone but her. I don't feel like i'm allowed to be with friends unless she's around. And I feel more lonely now than I ever have in my life. I don't think she has any desire to deal with her jealousy, because it's easier for her to be complacent. She's fine with her other partners being with other people, but not me.

I don't know how to deal with this, and it's breaking my heart.
OK, genebean, your time is up! I don't mean the time you agreed on with polypenguin. If you both made a deal to give you, genebean, more time to get used to the idea of poly, then you should both respect that.

What I'm about to say has to be read with the following proviso:
I don't often get to an Internet connection. I'm stealing time now from wading through pages and pages of e-mails, deciding which are worth opening and reading. This means that I haven't taken the time to read your own threads. And I'm all too aware that there are always more than one side to a story. But - going by what polypenguin has written (as if we could believe HIM!!!) - you do seem rather unfair on this. That should read totally unfair. You're allowed all the freedom you need to explore relationships with other partners... and you're "fine with her other partners being with other people", but the [supposedly?] most important person in your life isn't allowed any freedom at all???

I repeat that - so far - I can only go by what I've read, and that - so far - I haven't read your side of the situation. And I'd LIKE to.

So PLEASE write on this thread. (Or - as they shout through the megaphone at those boat-rental-on-park-lakes places - "Come in, number 31: your time is up.")
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  #42  
Old 06-08-2012, 02:58 AM
polypenguin polypenguin is offline
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ok, this is definitely one I would like some responses to.

so here's the deal, I take ballet lessons, and most of the girls there are your stereotypical ballerenias (probably spelled wrong). This makes the girlfriend jeallous. She's afraid i'm going to run off with one of them because she thinks they're prettier, etc. I have ssured her that is never going to happen.

the lovely wemon is NOT the reason I take ballet (although tights and tutus are god's gift to man in my eyes, hehe!). I take ballet because I enjoy it, most of the wemon there are either too young or too old for me anyways.

That being said, I sort of found myself in a tough place today, as I realized there is a little chemistry between another woman and I. She knows I am in a reltionship, and both the girlfriend and I have known her for a couple years (well before ballet). I think she could/is ok me having another girl in my life, as it doesn't seem to bother her.

i'm not 100% about her side of the chemistry, but it seems as though there is something there.so here's where the comments/heckleing comes into play

1. Should I just come out and ask her? Or should I wait a little longer to see what happens? After all, it's only been a couple weeks.

2. Should I tell the girlfriend, making her even more jealous when I go to ballet? Or wait on that too?

3. I suppose the last option would be asking the ballerina girl first, then telling the girlfriend. Or visa versa.

please let me know what you think. Am I over thinking this? Or jumping the gun? Or is there something I haven't thought of yet?
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  #43  
Old 06-08-2012, 03:15 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Originally Posted by polypenguin View Post
i'm not 100% about her side of the chemistry, but it seems as though there is something there.so here's where the comments/heckleing comes into play

1. Should I just come out and ask her? Or should I wait a little longer to see what happens? After all, it's only been a couple weeks.

2. Should I tell the girlfriend, making her even more jealous when I go to ballet? Or wait on that too?

3. I suppose the last option would be asking the ballerina girl first, then telling the girlfriend. Or visa versa.

please let me know what you think. Am I over thinking this? Or jumping the gun? Or is there something I haven't thought of yet?
Heckling? You're expecting heckling? lol Sorry, that just stood out to me.

Umm... I would say talk to Genebean first. Talking to ballerina first could come off as trying to hide something from your gf when you talk to her and that just couldn't end well, IMO. I don't think you're overthinking it. I think if there is something going on subconsciously it is usually best to address it as soon as you're aware that something could happen. Not addressing it and then something happening that could upset anyone involved is a huge risk. Well, the level of risk depends on the people involved and all kinds of other factors. Are you willing to take that risk?

My main concern is that you promised Genebean not to do anything relating to other relationships for a certain amount of time, so bringing this up before that time period is over could result in negative consequences in that relationship, too. Her worry about women in ballet being more attractive than her and you running off with one of them and leaving her is insecurity. Plain and simple. That is HER problem, that SHE should be working on. Right now. Especially since dancing is a part of your life and she is going to have to deal with those women being in your life, even if you aren't romantic with any of them. Discomfort/outright disapproval of dating coworkers = understandable, of dating mutual friends = maybe not reasonable, but understandable, but to not want you to date someone who you have something in common with that you met at a class just because she is a dancer therefore more attractive? Seems like something that needs attention.

Another thing - what sort of signs is this women giving you that she wants more than a friendship/dance relationship? In your position (with all the drama and craziness surrounding opening up your and Genebean's relationship), I would want to be pretty darn sure that there actually is something there before outright acknowledging it to anyone. Then I would make sure I talk to Genebean first so that I don't come off as secretive or anything like that.
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  #44  
Old 06-08-2012, 07:21 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Originally Posted by km34 View Post
My main concern is that you promised Genebean not to do anything relating to other relationships for a certain amount of time, so bringing this up before that time period is over could result in negative consequences in that relationship, too.
That, really that. Also, is it fine for you to flirt with people? Or are you two not clear on that? Hopefully it's fine for you to flirt before August as long as it's PG-13, everybody should be able to respectfully flirt.

What are you hoping to get out of starting something with this woman now? It's a slippery slope letting somebody know you're interested when you're not available yet, I might be off base but from all that you've posted I wonder if you might end up having a hot and heavy flirtation where you both wait begrudgingly for it to be August then get pissed off if genebean isn't jolly about it and use that as an excuse to break up or something.

Two months isn't a long time, but I'm guessing with the resentment that's been growing for you that it will be a big struggle for you to just pretend the attraction doesn't exist. I think you might want to talk to genebean about being attracted to this woman but not act on it one bit. Really if she can't see you're trying to respect her and be honest with her, and there hasn't been an update on how she is feeling (how IS she doing on processing and working through her issues while she's still free to date?) I really don't feel optimistic.

Her freaking out for an hour (ballerinas > me! you're going to leave! etc) and then calming down and dealing with the feelings & discussing what it meant would be the most extreme reaction I think I could handle from a partner at the point where one of you feels you need an open relationship. If it was a multi day issue or she wasn't coming to terms with things, I think I'd be feeling pretty nervous about my future with them but she is young, and relatively inexperienced in relationships so I think I might be tempted to give more leeway. (Not leeway in the August deadline and then it's = for both of you dating or the relationship probably just wont work out at this time in your life. And I mean dating but having working agreements about safe sex and all that, not a free for all)

Is GB identifying as poly now? Still dating the same person? Dating just to be stubborn because you want to date other people? Is she Happy? Have you sat down at some point when you're not plagued by some immediate relationship drama and asked if you think this relationship you're in is more good than bad for both of you at this point in your life?

Can you think of things to do to help genebean with her self esteem? Ballerinas might be skinny as fuck but they aren't some exotic race who are all prettier than mere mortals so it seems to be smacking of a general insecurity that's running rampant. Have you two read the book or taken the online quiz for the 5 love languages? Sometimes some knowledge about your partner as simple as that can help a hell of a lot with seemingly insurmountable problems.
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  #45  
Old 06-08-2012, 05:55 PM
polypenguin polypenguin is offline
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so here's what happened last night. (let the judgement begin)

when I got back from dance yesterday, I was in a rather good mood. (i usually am after a good workout like that). Genebean got home a short time after that, and wondered why I was in such a good mood. She asked me if I met someone, or something happened with someone. I lied and told her no. Then she asked if it was (we'll call her D). Again, I lied and told her no.

at that time last night, I wasn't ready to tell anybody anything about something I wasn't even sure of myself. I haven't had time to process any feelings yet. I'm not even sure where I stand yet.

now, I took a shower, and when I got out, she had read my latest post here (the previous one asking what I should do). She broke a promise to me by reading anything from this blog. I asked her when I started it to not read it because I feel it is somewhat of a journal. And I deserve to have a little privacy when I ask for it.

needless to say she confronted me about it, and was upset that I lied to her. Of course she couldn't place too much blame, because she lied to me as well. So now i'm not sure where I stand with myself, her or D.

I guess the moral is honesty is the best policy. Unfortunatelly sometimes it's difficult be to honest when you know it is going to hurt someone you love.
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  #46  
Old 06-08-2012, 11:08 PM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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I was going to mention that it might be best to talk to genebean because she's a poster here as well, and it's a possibility that she could read this blog before you get the chance to bring it up to her in person.........obviously I was a little late, lol.

Now, I've been in a similar situation. It was a tad worse because my SO became privy to the conversations I had by doing the same kinda thing, snooping around. So we were both upset for very different reasons.

I'll just say this: before anything can happen further, be honest. Just lay it all out on the table, even if it doesn't seem like much because it's been such a short period of time. But now that genebean knows, answer any questions she may have and emphasize that it doesn't change the agreement y'all have, or your feelings for her.

We will always hurt people we love. That's a fact of life and it can't be avoided. What CAN be avoided is the WAY in which they're hurt; being honest and forthcoming before any action can be taken is a path you can take to do so. Just to put it into perspective, if I was more concerned about hurting my ex by breaking up than about my own sanity and well-being, we'd still be in a relationship and I'd be more unhappy than ever. We're still friends, btw.
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  #47  
Old 06-09-2012, 12:13 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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No offense, but if I was with someone who had a history of lying to me or acting in ways that were detrimental to our relationship, I would be pretty snoopy at the signs of lying, too. Regardless of whether or not I said I would avoid a certain site or blog.

In my mind, I know two wrongs don't make a right, but to me it makes the second wrong a hell of a lot more understandable. Assuming it isn't physically hurting someone or something like that.

You broke her trust, why shouldn't she break yours? Comes back to the good ol' Golden Rule - Treat others the way you want to be treated. Until you prove to genebean you can be trusted (by telling the truth - especially when asked straight out), why should she show any trust in you?

I'm not saying she was justified in coming here to find out what you've been saying, but it really seems like she had no idea what's going on with you and this was her best bet at finding out since you weren't talking.

Now, on a less judgmental/harsh note... I understand not wanting to tell details when you haven't had time to process, but there is no reason you couldn't tell her that yes, you were interested in someone and thought there COULD be interest but until you've had time to really think it over and examine what is going on you didn't feel comfortable sharing. Then set a time in the somewhat near future to talk about after you've processed a bit. Lying shouldn't be an option, but saying you're not ready to talk about it yet can be.
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  #48  
Old 06-09-2012, 01:02 AM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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I don't think that they have ever had a history of him lying to her. Quite the opposite from their posts to this point. Genebean his a past history of being made to feel less than, unwanted, etc, by other people prior to her relationship with Polypenguin. She has said that her trust issues come from her own personal issues, not to do with his behavior. At least up until now.

At the beginning of my relationship with Wendigo, I had him over while Runic Wolf was out of town. I'd had blanket permission to do so with anyone I wanted to be involved with, but it was my first time taking advantage of it. When he got home, a friend of ours had just gotten into town, was waiting for us at our usual meet up for dinner, and I still wasn't sure what I was thinking or feeling about the hour I'd spent with Wendigo the day before. So when Runic Wolf asked what I'd done while he was away, I lied. . . . at first I glossed over the truth. I talked about talking to friends online, how much I'd missed him, etc. And he kept asking me and I wanted to get going to dinner, so I told him I'd done nothing. I had permission and I still lied because I wasn't done processing and didn't know how to explain that. And that lie ruined dinner, because Runic Wolf could smell him on our bed, could tell I was hiding something, and ultimately I hurt him deeply and we went through a year of rebuilding trust over one sentence.

I do understand Polypenguins upset at her reading his blog b/c he specifically asked her to give him a space to process what he was going through when he obviously feels like he's making a sacrifice while she's getting to explore, even a little bit of what it is to be poly while he's still waiting at the starting line. No he shouldn't have lied, but she shouldn't have read his blog either if she's agreed not to.
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  #49  
Old 06-09-2012, 01:16 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter View Post
I don't think that they have ever had a history of him lying to her. Quite the opposite from their posts to this point. Genebean his a past history of being made to feel less than, unwanted, etc, by other people prior to her relationship with Polypenguin. She has said that her trust issues come from her own personal issues, not to do with his behavior. At least up until now.

...

I do understand Polypenguins upset at her reading his blog b/c he specifically asked her to give him a space to process what he was going through when he obviously feels like he's making a sacrifice while she's getting to explore, even a little bit of what it is to be poly while he's still waiting at the starting line. No he shouldn't have lied, but she shouldn't have read his blog either if she's agreed not to.
For some reason I had it in mind that there had been previous instances of him hiding things poly/feelings for others-related. Sorry if I was mistaken.

I totally understand being upset because she in turn broke his trust in her not reading his personal blog, but I understand where she came from is all I was saying.

I don't do lying in relationships. Everyone I get involved with knows that if they flat-out lie, any previous agreements they've made with me are null and void. Same goes if I ever lie to them - they have the right to officially disregard any promise they've made me. If I can't uphold my promises, I don't expect them to either. I know such extremes aren't popular around here, but I know for me it has cut out a lot of potential drama.
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  #50  
Old 06-11-2012, 09:37 PM
polypenguin polypenguin is offline
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no, in terms of lying, we have an excellent track record.

that being said, we do have a couple black marks here and there. Nothing major though. I'm interested to see how she reacts to me going to dance this thursday. Only time will tell I suppose.

I guess i'll be just as interested to see how I react to D's presence and her mine.
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