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Old 06-08-2012, 05:06 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,172
Default Push her off the pedestal

Originally Posted by neo651 View Post
I do feel she and I are perfect match (more or less, I don't believe in actual "perfection"). And it is possible I could find another match just as good, but honestly, I don't see it happening. I have almost unreasonably high standards and more importantly (and I've never told her this because she'd slap me for how unhealthy it is) I have compared every single woman I've ever dated or been interested in to her. Inevitably, I always use her as the model to decide the worthiness of other women to me and they are always found wanting. It's a big, if not the biggest reason, why my other relationships have all failed.

I've bolded some phrases from one of your posts to highlight a concern of mine. It's been my experience that relationships where one person is placed on a pedestal - such as you have done with her - those relationships often struggle to be healthy.

There are often several reasons for this. People who put others on pedestals tend to have poor self-esteem themselves. I see hints of that in your posts.

Also pedestal creators tend to have an unrealistic view of their beloved. I am concerned that you may not really see your love interest in all her complexity and fullness, faults, awesomeness but rather your ideal of her.

You also seem to have an unrealistic expectation of the relationship. You mentioned that your first reaction was that she would be monogamous with you, dump the other guys, and swiftly move to your location. Yes, that was quickly disposed but you knew she had been seeing or living with these other men for some time and that she was poly. This should not have been a surprise or news to you.

Also you are attempting to build this relationship long distance without regular trips to see each other which just makes everything so much harder.

I fear there is signficant unrealistic expections of relationships in general, and of women (especially in comparison with your beloved up on her pedestal).

You do need to sort out your feelings about poly and if it is something you can tolerate to be with her. But I see some deeper issues than 'just' the garden variety 'I'm mono but my partner is poly - now what?' situation. This does not mean you cannot work out a lovely partnership with her - and her partners - and I wish you the best.
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